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Thursday, November 11, 2004
Links of the day

By The Intern
Page 2

eBay -- The idea of playing NCAA Football 2005 on the Iowa Jumbotron might seem enticing until you realize you'll have to take it apart to move it, then put it back together again. I struggle with the red, white and yellow things with the PS2. Audio in? Video in? Audio out? Video what?

Houston Chronicle (11/10) -- Simmons says this is 100,000 times funnier read aloud in the Dikembe Mutumbo voice. I couldn't get past him starting the column with an African proverb about, of all things, an elevator. I realize "It takes a village" was swiped by Hillary, but there must be something more colorful than an elevator. Why not "You cannot use a wild banana leaf to shield yourself from the rains and then tear it to pieces later when the rains come to an end." Seriously! An elevator!

San Francisco Chronicle (11/10) -- The Chronicle's TV critic writes of Survivor Ami: "The camera pans into her ample -- and natural -- heaving breasts and every straight male perks up. Then she emotionlessly says, in effect, let's kill these men one at a time." Why thank you, Danielle Steele.

Raj -- Raj's feelings on ... I have no idea. Congrats if you make it all the way through. The real news: the NY Post reported Wednesday that he hooked up with the two other "Apprentice" contestants whose sites I've linked to: Stacy Rotner and Jen C, who summed up my own feelings on her perfectly. "A few cocktails never hurt anybody." Bingo!

Indianapolis Star (11/11) -- Wait 'til you find out why Ron Artest's missed the last two Pacer games. Let's call it "DNP  CD" & and it ain't "Coach's Decision" this time.

Washington Post (11/8), registration -- Shaq delivers another reason to look forward to Christmas Day in this Q&A, calling Phil Jackson "a ninja" and Rudy Tomjanovich "the local karate instructor." Bit of a stretch, don't you think? The man did win two NBA titles. What does that make Greg Popovich, the minority fix-it man?

Cincinnati Enquirer (11/10) -- Speaking of the local karate instructor, no prizes whatsoever for guessing who's involved in an anti-bullying program called "Sensei Sez Show Mercy." Gotta hand it to him. It's been 20 years, and the black karate fatigues have officially outlasted MJ. -- For $4 million, you could own Scottie Pippen's Portland estate, including his trees. Did that have to go in the listing? With the Blazers, I'd think trees are a given.

(Yes, that was slang. For two years, I roomed with the lost Backstreet Boy, who says things like "B-tea-dubz, it's not cool to swear. Eff, ish, that's the new hotness." Plus he blazed ridick trees. There's no way I could be an Olympic snowboarding champion.) -- For that "Why No. 1 isn't as funny as the rest" honors thesis, the complete Top 10 archive dating back to 1987, including the "Top 10 Reasons Sylvester Stallone & Brigitte Nielsen Are Separating." Here's No. 9: She Kept Confusing "Rocky II" and "Rocky III". At that point Simmons goes straight for the annulment.

Memphis Commercial Appeal (11/10), registration -- Hide the $4,000 in custom-made shirts! An update on the alleged robbery of four Memphis basketball players. And after eight years, eight words almost attone for how Coach Cal left UMass basketball.

"They didn't have minks. They were ... fake furs."

Not quite Marcus Camby Polaroids. Pretty damn close, though.

Sons of Sam Horn -- Great cause alert: After raising 23K last year, SOSH is at it again, holding a fundraiser to benefit The Jimmy Fund and the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, with an added perk. Said Theo Epstein: "I know this is not an auction, but I'll throw in four tickets in the General Manager's Box for a game next year to the SOSH'er who makes the biggest donation. We'll select a mutually agreeable date, and you and three friends get to drink beer all night and entertain me with brilliant trade ideas. All in the name of charity." For Theo's sake, I'll beg you. Don't let the Afflecks run away with this.

Hampton Roads Daily Press (11/5) -- Scandalous things happen at small-town bars when Colin Ferrell's on the scene. Much like at my old high school, "skirts eventually went from just above the knee to barely covering the pelvic bone." This reads like a G-rated version of Gold Club. Fun for all ages!

Houston Chronicle (11/8) -- Considering the pro sport involved, somewhere in this story there's a person with a pretty unfortunate name. (Hint: Not the guy from Orlando who sounds like he's from County Cork.)

NY Times (11/9), registration -- Is New York cursed? Okay, prolly not, but could you imagine "The Curse of A-Rod," written 15 years from now by Peter Vecsey and Phil Mushnick? The bitterness and vitriol could reach the level of a "Bands Reunited" episode gone bad.

Slam Sports (2/13/04) -- Or should we just call it the Wrestling Link of the Week? The driver at my temp job told me about this back in June, but I completely forgot about it. I even wrote it down, too! So, floating around somewhere in the office is a post-it note that says "Brutus Beefcake cocaine." I'm dying to know: 1) Who found it; 2) Why they moved it; and 3) What they could possibly think of me now.

NY Daily News (11/5) -- From the ad wizards at Akademiks: "Read books. Get brain." I always wondered why they called Shawn Kemp "The Reign Man." Now I know.

Esquire (11/4) -- We've got a Ricky Williams (or as Simmons called him, Mr. T Jr.) sighting in the Australian Outback. You've got to subscribe to Esquire to read the entire story, but for $8.00 a year, believe me it's worth it. (Especially when you get the free "Women We Love" playing cards. Probably your only chance of seeing Heather Locklear and Nicole Eggert on your dining room table ... unless Scott Baio's a links fan.)

KATU 2 Portland (11/6) -- This week on "ASPCA: Oswego Lake": treadmills and a new slant on the phrase "my dogs are hurtin'." Made me a take a second look at Qyntel's bio: "More importantly, 'He's a good kid. I've met him and talked with his family, and he may not have taken the usual course to the NBA, but he's a good kid.'" Who wrote this, his guidance counselor?

Pittsburgh Post Gazette (11/8) -- Sadly, 'Polamalu' and 'von Oelhoffen' are probably no-brainers for this kid.

Houston Chronicle (11/6) -- Calvin Murphy's sexual assault trial got under way Friday, and the prosecutor had this to say: "It's going to be confusing. You are going to need charts. We're going to help you with family trees and so forth." I'm sure that was a load off his mind.

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