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Thursday, March 23, 2006
Links of the day

By The Intern
Page 2 (John G.) -- In case you missed it, the brother of Steelers safety Tyrone Carter had his jail sentence increased from six months to five years after choosing to attend the Super Bowl rather than report to prison on time. Naturally, both he and Tyrone stand by the decision. (Brian C.) -- I linked to this a while back, but the legal dispute between MLB and fantasy baseball leagues is starting to heat up. Just to be clear, MLB is reluctantly policing steroid abuse, but gung ho for curbing fantasy stats in the name of short-sighted greed. If I was financing a startup company, and my choices for CEO were limited to: (a) Bud Selig, (b) Derrick from "The Gauntlet II", or (c) an orangutan, I'd give serious consideration to the orangutan. (Nick in Lansing, Mich.) Cool article on the day-to-day responsibilities of Rip Hamilton's personal chef. On the downside, it's further proof that life really is much better when you're obscenely rich and famous. -- Larry Bird didn't exactly take Tommy Heinsohn's laughable snub in stride. In fact, you almost get the feeling he's not above backhanding a 72-year-old man. Come again, Tommy? Paul who? What's wrong, can't talk with blood in your mouth? (Don) -- Johnny Damon pulls out the "I bought an expensive house" card to rationalize his Yankees defection. Johnny Damon should probably talk less.

WEDNESDAY -- Trying to pick out one defining quote from this spectacular Mike James article is like settling down with just one Intern groupie -- too many choices. But if forced to do it, I'm going with James rationalizing his contract demands with, "Maybe I do want to wake up one morning and say, 'Baby, let's go to the Bahamas. Today.'" -- Three links for the price of one: Dwight Howard is a freak, Gregg Popovich does a payback chicken dance and Andrei Kirilenko breaks Jerry Sloan's spirit. -- Eva Longoria drops that Tony Parker has only been with one other woman before her. He probably meant on that particular day, but then just ran with it when she took it the wrong way. -- In the latest example of the "Daily Show" crew blowing up, Stephen Colbert is cashing in with a seven-figure book deal. It's almost like Jon Stewart is a sarcastic Bill Walsh, and Steve Carell, Colbert and company serve as his coaching disciples. -- More on the tights fad. Of all people, Marcus Camby summed it up best: "I don't wear pantyhose."

I might be a little late on this, but while watching "SportsCenter" on Tuesday morning, I saw that even Andrew Bogut has started wearing the tights -- which, for some reason, completely set me off. It was cute when Kobe broke them out, in a "freakishly talented sociopath being weird again" kind of way. Then Wade, Michael Redd and a host of others jumped on board, and next thing you know, half the league looks like a Shakespearean community theatre group.

Supposedly, the tights increase the blood flow in your legs. Whatever. All I know is that watching the tights gain steam while the high-top fade inexplicably remains out of style is insanely frustrating. I'm probably going to deck the next person who makes eye contact with me. Hopefully he'll be a little guy. (David N.) -- Former Iowa State star and current NBDL player Marcus Fizer teaches us about the three B's -- Basketball, Bible and Babies. I'm actually being dead serious. -- Says Steve in San Francisco, "Thought it would be one thing. Wound up another." (Anna C. in Atlanta) -- Bill Belichick gave a locker room speech to friend Billy Donovan's Gators. According to junior Chris Richard, "If anyone was on Cloud Nine, he brought them down," which I find hard to believe. I'd have thought he would have dressed up like a clown and done magic tricks. -- Chefgate takes a wild turn as the conspiracy theories start to take form. No matter what your stance is on Scientology, you have to respect its game -- life would be boring without great villains. (Chad I.) -- Carlos Boozer, Prince and hilarious purple karma.

As my time here comes to an end, I can't help but get a tad melancholy. I cry more, no longer shave, and go through most conversations with a faraway look in my eyes, even if I'm just ordering a cheeseburger. Point being, I should probably take a moment to thank those who made my time here so enjoyable.

But not today.

No, today I'm doing the exact opposite -- I'm listing those who should be thanking me. So, without further ado, the People Who Should Thank Me:

Scott Stapp: Though it was driven entirely by unadulterated hate, I helped bring you back into the public eye by linking to any and every embarrassing moment you provided this year. And boy did you take advantage -- if public idiocy were golf, you would have been Tiger in 2000. At the very least, you owe me a beer, though I'd prefer you didn't talk to me while I drink it.

Sarah P. in Switzerland: While busy avoiding the real world, you consistently badgered me to get your name in The Links, usually with an enraged e-mail any time I mentioned a friend that wasn't you. But to exploit this page for personal favors would be like point shaving. I would never do that. Until today.

Simmons: Sure, you blew up long before I came on board, and, outside of my mom, I doubt anyone ever read you as an afterthought to my links. But I'd still like to believe that, in a small, roundabout way, you owe your entire career to me.

ESPN: Let's be honest, I've been the company cash cow since Day 1. Without my Daily Links and four Pulitzer-worthy columns, this site would have gone under in August. Unfortunately, you're ineligible for this list on account of not actually being a person.

I could go on all day, but I think those four will suffice. Just remember that, in addition to keeping you abreast of important world news, I also changed lives. -- "Rock Star" returns, this time featuring Tommy Lee in a soulless "supergroup" searching for a lead singer. The made-for-TV band is calling itself Supernova, which, in addition to stretching the boundaries of generic-lame, is already claimed by an early '90s punk trio (best known for the ridiculously awesome song "Chewbacca" in "Clerks"). Here's to an ugly legal battle. -- Could Darko still turn out to be nasty? It's possible. I particularly liked that he explained his increased shot blocking by observing, "It's just something that comes natural to me." Much funnier if you picture him yawning in a recliner while thumbing through "US Weekly." -- Blazers coach Nate McMillan discusses Martell Webster, motivating players, and the burden of policing practices with taser guns. Or at least he discusses two of those. (Guy H.) -- $6,000 eBay auction for every Sports Illustrated issue ever released. Go ahead, splurge. You didn't want to pay your next 10 months of rent anyway. -- Scientology is now openly baiting "South Park," which has me downright giddy. Make no mistake; Trey Parker and Matt Stone were put on Earth for this exact moment. I bet they're putting on blue war paint and head-butting each other as we speak.

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