Monday, December 10, 2007
Tiger and Lorena's 2007: The Director's Cut
By Bob Smiley Special to ESPN.com
A studio can't release a DVD these days without including bonus footage, deleted scenes, even alternate endings. For those hardcore Tiger Woods and Lorena Ochoa fans who expect the same extras in their golf coverage, it's your lucky day. After scrounging around the cutting-room floor, I've compiled some never-before-read bonus highlights from Tiger and Lorena's awesome 2007, further proof that from Day One this was indeed a special year.
Heck, a few of these are even true.
Believe it or not, Tiger may have had an even better year off the course in '07.
Still not enough for you? First off, wow, you're hard to please. Second, drop me an e-mail -- I'll send you the exclusive writer's commentary on this column. It makes the perfect inbox stuffer this holiday season. And don't worry, in the end the good guys still win.
Jan. 1: After years of frustration, Tiger finally figures out how to see the images hidden in those Magic Eye puzzles from the early '90s.
Jan. 2: Lorena receives a "20 percent off" coupon from Bed Bath & Beyond on the same day she was planning to buy a new towel for her golf bag.
Jan. 17: After watching Tadd Fujikawa, Woods' agent Mark Steinberg realizes Tiger's patented one-arm fist-pump should literally be patented, netting his man an extra $850 dollars every time another PGA Tour player imitates it.
Feb. 23: Lorena hooks a drive into some bushes and discovers a new species of plant while searching for her ball. The area is deemed environmentally sensitive. She's awarded a free drop and a plaque from the Sierra Club.
March 25: One-upping Phil's commute to the Nissan Open from San Diego every day, Tiger buys a new private jet that travels faster than the speed of light, allowing him to win the WGC-CA Championship near Miami and then watch it again live from his couch in Windemere.
April 12: Lorena uses a rescue club (what else?) to coax her neighbor's cat out of a tree.
May 3: Despite only flossing two times a week instead of seven, as recommended by the American Dental Association, Tiger Woods' gums refuse to bleed during his semi-annual teeth cleaning.
June 8: While fiddling with her online stock portfolio, Lorena accidentally sells all her shares of Countrywide Mortgage.
June 22: General Motors announces that Tiger won't be used in Buick commercials anymore, putting an end to Charles Howell's "What time does your mom need her car back?" jokes every time they go to lunch.
June 24: By winning for the third time in 2007, Ochoa surpasses $1.5 million in earnings for the year and more importantly, finally finishes paying off her student loans.
June 28: In one of his more clutch performances of the year, Tiger notices wife, Elin's, new haircut mere moments before she's going to point it out to him.
June 29: The guest house on Tiger's new estate burns down -- good news since Phil Mickelson had just been saying he wanted to come visit.
July 9: After a long week hosting the AT&T National in Washington D.C., Tiger rolls double-6s to take control of Irkutsk and beat fellow golfer Condoleezza Rice in a three-day-long game of Risk.
Aug. 4: Lorena goes out to dinner after the third round of the Women's British Open and has a legitimately delicious meal.
Aug. 5: Tiger's baby daughter, Sam, spits up on Sergio Garcia in the scorer's tent at the Bridgestone Invitational.
Aug. 12: Tiger's perfect year seems in jeopardy when he blocks a drive at Southern Hills and hits gallery member Tyler Simmons in the head, knocking him out cold. Instead, Simmons turns out to be wanted in three states and Tiger is made an honorary member of the Tulsa police force.
Sept. 19: Lorena receives a new driver's license in mail. The picture looks so good she decides to use it as her Christmas card photo.
Sept. 28: At the Presidents Cup, Tiger defeats Rory Sabbatini and Phil Mickelson in ping-pong after Rory says Tiger looks as beatable as ever and Phil says Woods is using an inferior paddle.
Oct. 6: Tiger's alma mater, Stanford, defeats No. 2-ranked USC, ending the Trojans' national title chances.
Nov. 15: Lorena's alma mater, Arizona, defeats No. 2-ranked Oregon, ending the Ducks' national title chances.
Nov. 20: Three days after winning the ADT Championship, Lorena still can't crack open the plastic case around her million-dollar prize. She gives up when she remembers she needs a new ottoman anyway.
Dec. 1: Tiger receives an e-mail from coach Hank Haney: "Of course playing 'Tiger Woods 08' on Nintendo Wii counts as offseason practice."
Dec. 10: Capping off an unforgettable year in which she surpassed Annika Sorenstam to become No. 1, captured eight wins and took home almost $5 million, Ochoa changes business managers, switches to GEICO and, yes, saves a bunch of money on her car insurance.
Bob Smiley is a TV writer and contributor to ESPN.com's golf coverage. He also writes the golf blog Fore Right and can be reached at Bobsmiley77@gmail.com.