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Friday, January 25, 2008
Updated: February 15, 3:36 PM ET
Wait, is Tom Brady shirtless again?

By Patrick Hruby
Page 2

Paid attention to the week in sports -- and other stuff, like John Edwards heroically refusing to tank games in order to secure the top pick in the NFL draft -- that was? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:

1. Which of the following is a better source for breaking NFL injury news?
(a) ESPN.com
(b) NFL.com
(c) TMZ.com

LaDainian Tomlinson
Is this LaDainian Tomlinson? Or could it be Han Solo?

2. How did San Diego Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson spend most of the AFC Championship Game?
(a) Sitting on the sideline
(b) Wrapped up in a cape
(c) Wearing a helmet with a dark visor
(d) Encased in carbonite

3. Which of the following is the most effective way to stop the New England Patriots?
(a) Limit Randy Moss to a single 18-yard catch
(b) Pressure Tom Brady into throwing three interceptions
(c) Take away their sideline camcorders
(d) Place the entire team on the cover of "Madden '09"

4. Chargers lineman Nick Hardwick accused Patriots defensive tackle Richard Seymour of:
(a) Head-slapping
(b) Foot-stomping
(c) Throwing punches in the back
(d) Playing a violent sport … in a violent manner?

Tom Coughlin

5. Identify the image to the right:
(a) Sir Edmund Hillary, descending from the peak of Mount Everest
(b) A performer from the Blue Man Group, during makeup application
(c) David Blaine, holding his breath for some sort of nonmagic trick
(d) New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin

6. According to the National Enquirer, pop singer Jessica Simpson wants to record:
(a) A country duet with Dallas Cowboys quarterback and boyfriend Tony Romo
(b) No. No. A thousand times no.

7. OK! magazine reported that Romo called Simpson at her Los Angeles home and told her that it would be better if:
(a) They went back to being "just friends"
(b) The Cowboys won at least one playoff game next season
(c) He didn't have to pretend that "Blonde Ambition" was remotely watchable
(d) He stopped appearing in magazines that feature an exclamation point in their name
(e) Joe Simpson moved out of his guest bedroom already

8. Which of the following is imaginary?
(a) The third ear
(b) The real killers
(c) That time you went to dinner with Jessica Alba
(d) Philip Rivers' ACL
(e) All of the above

9. Where are you more likely to see a bikini top?
(a) In the stands at Lambeau Field, during January
(b) On Oscar de la Hoya

10. Jose Canseco's follow-up book to "Juiced" reportedly will be ghostwritten by Pablo F. Fenjves, who also co-wrote:
(a) "If I Did It"
(b) "The O'Reilly Factor for Kids"
(c) "Beyond Basketball: Coach K's Keywords For Success"
(d) "The Five People You Meet in Heaven"

11. After meeting with Canseco several times, Fenjves reportedly told The New York Times that he was surprised by:
(a) The "level of detail" in Canseco's head
(b) The "level of detail" in Canseco's head, which wasn't exactly apparent during the 2005 congressional steroid hearings
(c) The fact that Canseco's head contained levels, details, or pretty much anything beyond dryer lint and a handful of Winstrol metabolites

12. The New York Times reported that Canseco offered to keep Magglio Ordonez "clear" in his upcoming book if the Detroit Tigers outfielder:
(a) Invested in a movie project promoted by Canseco
(b) Invested in a movie project promoted by Canseco, who reportedly once made a demo tape featuring himself twirling a nunchaku as a sultry woman in a nightgown lounged nearby
(c) Lit a pile of money on fire, then blasted the ashes into outer space

Cam Cameron
Take heart Ravens fans: much worse candidates were out there.

13. Whom did the Baltimore Ravens hire as their new offensive coordinator?
(a) Former FEMA head Mike Brown
(b) Isiah Thomas
(c) The screenwriter who penned "I Know Who Killed Me"
(d) Cam Cameron

14. According to divorce documents obtained by "Extra," Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal:
(a) Spends $23,000 a month at gas stations
(b) Has his own armored division

15. "Extra" also reports that O'Neal:
(a) Spends $1,500 a month on cable TV
(b) Spends $1,500 a month on cable TV, and can't even get the NFL Network
(c) Only $1,500? Is that some sort of introductory rate?

16. Soccer America reported that Los Angeles Galaxy star David Beckham may be responsible for:
(a) About 163 tons of annual carbon dioxide emissions, more than 10 times that of the average Englishman
(b) The largest individual carbon footprint in human history
(c) A and B
(d) Soccer America has never seen Shaquille O'Neal's monthly gas station bill

17. Which of the following factors did Soccer America not cite in support of its Beckham carbon footprint estimate?
(a) Beckham flying farther than a trip from Earth to the moon last year, the better to play for both the Galaxy and the English national team
(b) Beckham owning 15 cars, including a Hummer and a Lincoln Navigator
(c) The cumulative CO2 expelled during on-air ESPN discussions of Beckham not playing soccer, possibly playing a few minutes of soccer, and/or looking sharp while sitting on benches in finely tailored suits watching others play soccer

18. The House Oversight and Government Reform Committee:
(a) Subpoenaed former major leaguer Chuck Knoblauch to appear at a congressional hearing
(b) Requisitioned batting helmets, catchers' masks and backstop netting for its hearing room

19. When Knoblauch recently told The New York Times he "had nothing to hide," he was referring to:
(a) His physical location, in the event that federal marshals might need to serve him a congressional subpoena
(b) None of the above

20. Which of the following headlines is made up?
(a) Record Label: Winehouse Has Entered Rehab
(b) Cheney Wants Surveillance Law Expanded
(c) Yankees Again Set Payroll Record
(d) Belichick Declines to Comment on Brady's Ankle
(e) None of the above

21. Which of the following headlines is not made up?
(a) Turkmenistan Ends Ban on Opera and Circus
(b) Jedi Church Planned In The UK
(c) Djokovic Beats Federer, Will Play Tsonga in Aussie Final
(d) All of the above

22. A motion filed in federal court by Barry Bonds argues that the perjury indictment against him is:
(a) Scattershot
(b) Strikingly inartful
(c) A and B
(d) Untrue

23. Which of the following individuals told the Los Angeles Times, "Some people know how to win. I don't know how to win."?
(a) Wile E. Coyote
(b) Isiah Thomas
(c) John Edwards
(d) Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling

24. When Clippers owner Sterling also told the L.A. Times that his club's "years of losing" were "all my fault," he forgot to mention:
(a) Elgin Baylor
(b) Bo Kimble
(c) The National Basketball Association, for having 29 other teams
(d) All of the above

Rick Majerus
At least Rick Majerus left Ashley Judd out of his recent comments.

25. St. Louis Archbishop Raymond Burke criticized St. Louis University basketball coach Rick Majerus for:
(a) Making pro-choice, pro-stem cell research remarks at a Hillary Clinton political rally
(b) Whipping out his manhood during practice and grabbing the testicles of a former player, as detailed in a recent Sports Illustrated article
(c) Just A

26. Where are you most likely to encounter a spy?
(a) Mossad headquarters
(b) A Wal-Mart in Langley, Va.
(c) Bill Belichick's movie room
(d) Madison Square Garden

ANALOGIES

27. Chicago Bulls rookie JamesOn Curry : toilets
(a) LeBron James : speed limits
(b) Nixon : constitutional checks on executive power
(c) Curry's parents : traditional first names
(d) All of the above

28. Philip Rivers : effectiveness while playing on one knee
(a) Philip Rivers : effectiveness with full compliment of knee ligaments

29. New York Yankees : $218.3 million payroll
(a) "Catwoman" : $100 million budget
(b) Steve Forbes : $40 million toward presidential bid
(c) New York Knicks : whatever they're paying Isiah
(d) All of the above

30. Paul Pierce and Ray Allen : Shaking hands with Giants players sitting courtside
(a) LeBron James : New shoes inspired by Yankees
(b) Tom Brady : Yankees cap
(c) John Rambo : Enjoying bowl of pho during Saigon sightseeing tour
(d) All of the above

31. North Carolina fans : crying after loss to Maryland
(a) Jesus : wept
(b) None of the above

EXTRA CREDIT

32. After the Washington Capitals posted a .500 record for the first time since October, coach Bruce Boudreau:
(a) Told reporters the team had "officially reached mediocrity"
(b) Floated away on a cloud of sheer awesomeness

33. After winning the Frozen Otter Ultra Trek race in Wisconsin by running 49 miles over 17 hours in sub-zero temperatures, an Iowa man received:
(a) Energy drinks, gel flasks, adventure gear and a subscription to Trail Runner magazine
(b) Frostbite that will require the amputation of two toes
(c) A and B
(d) The lifetime right to call Tom Coughlin, the Lambeau Field bikini girls and pretty much everyone else associated with cold-weather football a wuss

34. PerezHilton.com reported that celebrity socialite Paris Hilton:
(a) Attended a screening of her new film in Dallas
(b) Hosted an afterparty attended by Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens
(c) Exchanged phone numbers with Owens
(d) All of the above
(e) Heard the distant sound of seven trumpets, and the near imperceptible swish of rivers turning to blood

35. As part of his preparation for the British television show "Dancing On Ice," former tennis pro Greg Rusedski reportedly:
(a) Stands in front of the mirror and wiggles his hips, hoping to "unleash the inner sexy me!" (b) That Simpson-Romo duet suddenly doesn't sound so bad

ESSAY QUESTION
Stetson cologne released a new promotional picture featuring shirtless spokesmodel-cum-Patriots quarterback Brady, whom the company describes as having "rugged sophistication" and a "masculine spirit." In 800 words or less, determine whether the above terms actually mean something, or if they are simply the output of an automated male-grooming product random-vocabulary generator.

ANSWER KEY: 1, c, and we, for one, welcome our new tabloid overlords; 2, a-c, pity Norv Turner didn't have a thermal detonator, he could have used it; 3, d, at this point it's Mercury Morris' last best hope; 4, a-c, and wahhhhh!; 5, d, and just for the record, David Blaine sucks; 6, a-b; 7, a; 8, e; 9, toss-up!; 10, a, and man, some things you just can't make up; 11, a, and aren't we all?; 12, a-b, and is there a real-world weapon more useless than chuks? 13, d, and good luck with that offense!; 14-15, a; 16, c, and in all honestly, we're kicking ourselves for not writing this story first; 17, c; 18, a; 19, b; 20, e; 21, d; 22, c, and figures, since Barry "Did I [expletive] stutter?" Bonds knows a few things about striking inartfulness; 23-24, d, and if he wasn't a rich dude with a rep for dating smokin' wannabe starlets, we'd almost feel sorry for Sterling; 25, a or c; 26, all answers valid; 27, d; 28, a, four field goals!; 29-30, a; 31, b, and YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS; 32, a; 33, c, and badass; 34, d, and where are TMZ.com's camera dudes when you really need them?; 35, a, and ack!; Essay Question: Any variation on, "They still make Stetson cologne?" is acceptable.