Monday, January 28, 2008
Updated: January 29, 1:31 PM ET
What 19 and 0 will mean ...
By Scoop Jackson
When it's all over, once the Patriots win Super Bowl XLII, there will be more to the victory than just being crowned the best team ever. There will be perks that come with achieving this -- perks the Patriots earned, perks that will be bestowed upon them, and the perks the rest of us are just going to have to deal with.
Going 19-0 will mean ...
... Tom Brady can make one Bill Clintonesque mistake and be unconditionally forgiven by everyone, including Gisele.
... Kyle Brady, after 13 seasons in the NFL, can go into bars and clubs and tell women his name is Tom and they won't notice the difference.
... Randy Moss can moon anyone he wants, run over anyone he wants in his car, leave any game he wants while time is still on the clock, smoke as much weed as he wants, never shave and argue with as many ex-girlfriends and baby mamas as he wants. And it'll be all good.
... All head coaches will be required to wear team-issued hoodies on game day.
... People will finally realize that Vince Wilfork is one of the best defensive linemen in the NFL.
... The destroyed evidence of Spygate can never be written about or mentioned ever again in public.
... Bill Simmons has to write "Now I Can Die In Peace II."
... That Bobby Brown, a native of Roxbury, Mass., can say anything he pleases and the world has to accept it.
... Rodney Harrison's "That is the most ridiculous thing (I've) ever heard," comment made after the Week 6 win over the Cowboys, after being asked about going 19-0, is now the most ridiculous thing ever said.
... Junior Seau can grow some facial hair, let the gray show in his mustache and beard, and not even have to think about playin' himself by doing a commercial with Emmitt Smith, Walt Frazier and Keith Hernandez.
... Owner Bob Kraft can walk into the next NFL owners' meeting and act like Marlo Stansfield does in the co-op meetings on "The Wire."
... Kevin Faulk will no longer be called Marshall Faulk by mistake.
... Raymond Ventrone, the undrafted Jets reject (the Jets released him in September) who sees action on special teams for the Patriots, will get supermodels' cell numbers and be seen doing TV spots in Brockton, Mass., for Absolute Car and Truck Center.
... Players like left tackle Matt Light, left guard Logan Mankins and right guard Stephen Neal will become household names like Bruschi, Seau and Vrabel.
... That "RIP" cannot be placed on Mercury Morris' tombstone.
... Willie McGinest, Ty Law, Lawyer Milloy and Deion Branch were irrelevant.
... Wes Welker doesn't have to be Tom Brady's wing man or alibi guy at this year's secret, off-the-island Pro Bowl parties.
... Mike Vrabel can reapply back to Ohio State so the Buckeyes can finally win a BCS title.
... Twenty years from now kicker Stephen Gostkowski can be relaxing at a game and asked to do an impromptu interview, and during the interview he can demand a kiss from the sideline reporter, get the kiss, and everyone will think it was cute and great television. And even though both will be married at the time, no one -- not even the spouses -- will be upset.
... Asante Samuel and Laurence Maroney no longer have to hear Das EFX jokes.
... The Ford Taurus that Rosevelt Colvin explained was sent to pick him up from the airport when the Pats signed him as a free agent will become standard issue for all NFL teams after trades and signings, replacing limos.
... Every NFL owner will use the fact that New England has a roster of superstars playing so far below their market value it's bordering on disrespectful (Randy Moss took a $6 million pay cut, Junior Seau is making only $1 million, Bruschi $1.7 million, etc.) as the new way to do business. Despite knowing there is no way this will ever happen again, it will not stop them from trying to use it to their financial advantage.
... Charlie Weis is somewhere, saying, "I shoulda stayed."
... Belligerent, arrogant, cantankerous, indignant, asterisk-needing, egotistical, smug, vainglorious, narcissistic, corrupt, disingenuous, cunning, deceitful, and pompous all become adjectives of endearment.
... That silver might be added as America's fourth official color.
... That "check your egos at the door" no longer has meaning.
... That Hef has to let Brady back into the mansion.
... That dynasty finally has a one-season definition forever.
Scoop Jackson is a columnist for Page 2.