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Thursday, February 7, 2008
Updated: February 8, 2:18 PM ET
Football season's over, but quiz season never ends

By Patrick Hruby
Page 2

Paid attention to the week in sports -- and other stuff, like National High School Football Message Board Server Meltdown Day -- that was? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:

1. Which of the following is NOT among the reported reasons the Phoenix Suns traded forward Shawn Marion and guard Marcus Banks to the Miami Heat for center Shaquille O'Neal?
(a) A need for frontcourt size, the better to match up with the San Antonio Spurs and Los Angeles Lakers
(b) Concern that the rival Dallas Mavericks would acquire O'Neal first
(c) Poor locker-room chemistry between Marion and Amare Stoudemire
(d) Seven In-N-Out Burger locations in the greater Phoenix area

2. Which of the following items is no longer available for preorder on
(a) "19-0: The Historic Championship Season of New England's Unbeatable Patriots"
(b) All of the above

3. Which of the following news items are probably just coincidental?
(a) American spy satellite loses power and propulsion; reportedly will crash to Earth soon
(b) Giants 17, Patriots 14
(c) All of the above

Bill Belichick
What's the rush, Bill?
4. Where is Patriots coach Bill Belichick going in the photograph to the right?
(a) To his team's locker room
(b) To a law office, in anticipation of a potential Congressional hearing
(c) To a tricked-out DeLorean that will transport him exactly one second into the future
(d) To the Death Star hangar bay, while there's still time to commandeer a shuttle

5. New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress was:
(a) Prophetic
(b) Technically incorrect, because he spotted the Patriots three extra points

6. Which of the following Super Bowl commercials featured a novel advertising conceit?
(a) E*Trade talking baby
(b) Bridgestone screaming animals
(c) SoBe CGI lizards
(d) Budweiser dudes who will do anything for a beer
(e) None of the above

7. When Fox Super Bowl pregame show announcer Ryan Seacrest referred to guest Nick Lachey as a "superstar," which part of that statement was accurate?
(a) None of the above

8. When New York Giants defensive end Michael Strahan told fans at a Manhattan rally that "we stomped you out," he was referring to:
(a) The New England Patriots
(b) Every other team in the NFL
(c) A and B
(d) Tiki Barber

Spike Lee
Spike got tired of watching losers play.
9. Identify the image to the right:
(a) The reason Belichick was in such a rush
(b) Something New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas will never see in Madison Square Garden, ever
(c) Spike Lee
(d) Urkel is a Giants fan?

10. Prior to the Super Bowl, the New York Post:
(a) Filed a trademark application for "18-1"
(b) Made baby Jesus smile and coo
(c) All of the above

11. Who was the MVP of Super Bowl XXXVI?
(a) Patriots quarterback Tom Brady
(b) Patriots kicker Adam Vinatieri
(c) Patriots defensive back Ty Law
(d) American inventor Jerome Lemelson, who in 1980 received the first-ever camcorder patent

12. During his Super Bowl news conference, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the league's destruction of New England's Spygate tapes was not a big deal because:
(a) Only six tapes, the oldest from 2006, had been turned over; the Patriots' shenanigans did not change the outcome of any games; attempting to steal signals is commonplace in football
(b) These are not the droids you're looking for
(c) Can't we all just get along?
(d) Snausages!

13. Goodell also said he was confident that the six tapes and related notes the Patriots turned over to the league represented all of the taping done by the club because:
(a) New England certified as much in writing
(b) New England certified as much in writing, just like Stephen Glass and James Frey

14. Sen. Arlen Specter's (R-Pa.) announcement that he may hold public hearings to determine why the NFL destroyed Spygate video evidence has nothing to do with:
(a) Specter's No. 2 source of campaign funds being Comcast employees
(b) Specter's No. 1 source of campaign funds being a law firm, Blank Rome LLC, whose top lobbying client is Comcast
(c) Comcast warring with the NFL over the NFL Network
(d) Specter representing sour-grapes Philadelphia Eagles fans
(e) None of the above

15. Which of the following headlines is made up?
(a) Ron Artest Reiterates He'd Be Better Off Elsewhere
(b) Elsewhere Disagrees With Ron Artest

16. Which of the following items is NOT part of the physical evidence of alleged performance-enhancing drug use reportedly given to government investigators by former Roger Clemens trainer Brian McNamee?
(a) Vials containing traces of steroids and HGH
(b) Blood-stained syringes
(c) Blood-stained gauze pads
(d) A jar containing formaldehyde and a human ear

17. Legal experts contacted by the Houston Chronicle believe that Clemens should:
(a) Drink eight glasses of water per day
(b) Look both ways before crossing the street
(c) Wash his hands before returning to work
(d) Invoke the Fifth Amendment and refuse to testify before Congress

18. Which of the following is scheduled to testify at a Congressional hearing entitled "Myths and Facts about Human Growth Hormone, B-12 and Other Substances":
(a) Medical experts
(b) Competitors from the 2007 World Series of Tractor-Mouth-Pulling
(c) Gary Sheffield's butt

19. According to reports, police arrested New England defensive back Willie Andrews after they found marijuana hidden:
(a) Under his car seat
(b) Inside his "groin area"
(c) A and B
(d) In a secret compartment and behind the oil-slick button, since Andrews was driving a team car

20. What article of clothing did Andrews wear to his arraignment hearing?
(a) A hoodie
(b) No, seriously, he really did

Isiah Thomas
Isiah, what the heck are you smiling about?
21. Which of the following individuals is still working?
(a) Bob Knight
(b) Mitt Romney
(c) Isiah Thomas

22. Los Angeles Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy reportedly apologized to Thomas for:
(a) Making disparaging remarks about the Knicks
(b) Reading an NBA payroll ledger and the Eastern Conference standings out loud

23. The "Coop Bowl," a cockfighting raid by local and federal law enforcement officers in South Carolina, resulted in:
(a) Thirty-two arrests
(b) Four thousand dollars in seized cash
(c) Thirty seized roosters
(d) All of the above
(e) YouTube footage of Pedro Martinez and Juan Marichal

24. According to reports, fans at the FedEx Forum:
(a) Cheered when Kwame Brown made his debut appearance for the Memphis Grizzlies
(b) Have never seen Brown play basketball

25. According to the Sacramento Bee, Sacramento Kings center Brad Miller:
(a) Sliced his right index finger with a knife while doing dishes
(b) Burned his chest while ironing the shirt he was wearing
(c) Suffered back spasms after sneezing
(d) Broke a tooth on a frozen chocolate doughnut

26. In order to reflect the "natural elements of Tampa Bay," the NFL's recently-introduced Super Bowl XLIII logo contains:
(a) Blue and green hues
(b) Dollar bills and clear heels

27. While competing in a golf tournament in Dubai, Tiger Woods:
(a) Yelled at a photographer who took a picture during his backswing
(b) Watched as marshals repeatedly told the large gallery following him to put away their cameras and stand still
(c) Called crowds and photographers "one of those things you have to deal with ... you just got to fight through it"
(d) Put himself on the short list for a Purple Heart

28. A federal judge ruled that suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick will be able to:
(a) Keep nearly $20 million in bonus money the Falcons sought to recover
(b) Afford all the prison commissary munchies he can eat

29. Topps released a baseball card depicting:
(a) Rudy Giuliani celebrating on the field with the Boston Red Sox
(b) Rush Limbaugh cheering at a John McCain rally
(c) Mozart clapping at a Paula Abdul performance
(d) Roger Goodell makin' it rain with Pacman Jones

Gisele Bundchen
Gisele's not exactly a good-luck charm it seems.
30. Gisele : sippin' wine in the luxury box
(a) Brady : new haircut
(b) Belichick : festive red hoodie!
(c) Han Solo : has a bad feeling about this
(d) All of the above

31. Paula Abdul : dancing like there's no tomorrow
(a) Philip Rivers : moving like there are no knee ligaments
(b) Byron Leftwich : moving like there are knee ligaments
(c) Bernie Lomax : weekending like there's still a pulse
(d) All of the above

32. NFL : no-stone-unturned investigation of Spygate
(a) Bush administration : comprehensive Iraq occupation plan
(b) State of California : air-tight prosecution of O.J. Simpson murder trial
(c) FEMA : textbook response to Hurricane Katrina
(d) All of the above

33. Brock Lesnar : UFC debut
(a) Johnnie Morton : MMA debut
(b) Ron Artest : debut rap album
(c) Michael Spinks : debut of face to Mike Tyson's fist
(d) All of the above

34. A Nevada high school football player who claimed he was duped into believing he was recruited to play at Cal and Oregon:
(a) Made it all up
(b) Isn't fortunate enough to be associated with the New England Patriots, whose dubious claims are always taken at face value, at least by Roger Goodell

35. According to a spokesperson for the U.S. embassy in the Dominican Republic, the government may review visa applications of:
(a) Suspected drug dealers
(b) Suspected arms smugglers
(c) Suspected terrorists
(d) Baseball players suspected of doping

36. A procedure by which British scientists created human embryos containing DNA from three different people could potentially lead to:
(a) Epilepsy prevention
(b) Diabetes prevention
(c) Prevention of heart failure
(d) Serpentor

The American embassy in London reportedly turned down a visa request by British singer/substance abuser Amy Winehouse, preventing her from performing at the Grammy Awards. In 800 words or less, argue why previous visas issued to the Spice Girls, Bush, Sting, Phil Collins, Milli Vanilli, Celine Dion, the Gipsy Kings, Crash Test Dummies, Jamiroquai, Coldplay, Yanni and Madonna (after she adopted that ridiculous English accent) were not only mistakes, but mistakes worthy of an investigative report by a bipartisan special commission.

ANSWER KEY: 1, d, and thanks to Page 2's Thomas Neumann for the assist; 2, a-b, and (Nelson voice) ha ha!; 3, c, unless this is "Moonraker," we're pretty sure Ernie Adams doesn't have his own space launch facility; 4, a, probably; 5, a-b, and again: ha ha!; 6, e; 7, a; 8, c, and don't cry for Tiki, you'll miss out on his "Today Show" cooking tips; 9, c, though a and b seem likely; 10, c, we love the New York Post; 11, a; 12, a, provided "Snausages" wasn't redacted from the official transcript; 13, a; 14, e, and you thought Specter was merely grandstanding; 15, a; 16, a-c; 17, d, and that's why law school is essential; 18, a; 19, c, it's not like he could hide it under any trademarked "19-0: The Perfect Season" merchandise; 20, a; 21, c; 22, a, and he's probably sorry for breathing, too; 23, d; 24, a-b; 25, a, and while we poke fun, we once did the same thing while cutting salad; 26, a; 27, a-c, and boo-hoo!; 28, a; 29, a, and props to Topps; 30-33, d; 34, a, and although we'd like to figure out why a kid would do such a thing, we're too busy watching national signing day coverage on ESPN to bother; 35, d; 36, a-c, though Cobra Commander is not sleeping well tonight; Essay Question: any variation on "you left Andrew Lloyd Webber off the list and should be investigated yourself" or "hey, they let in Shakira, so all is forgiven" is acceptable.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.