Thursday, February 14, 2008
Devean George: The untold story
By DJ Gallo
Dallas Mavericks team offices.
A knock on general manager Donn Nelson's office door.
Donn Nelson: Come in.
[Devean George enters.]
Nelson: Hi, Devean. So are you ready to be a Net? We sure do appreciate the time you've spent here in Dallas.
George: Yeah, about that. I hate to mess things up for you, but I'm not going to New Jersey. I'm invoking my no-trade clause.
Nelson: Ha! Good one. A no-trade clause given to Devean George. Very funny. Like no-trade clauses are given to average, run-of-the-mill players. Good one, Devean. We're going to miss your sense of humor around here. I don't think Jason Kidd is a cut-up like you.
George: No, really. I have a no-trade clause. Check my contract.
[Tosses contract onto Nelson's desk.]
Nelson: Sweet mercy! You do have a no-trade clause! How did this happen?
George: I think it was a typo. Probably something left in the contract template from an offer you made to a good player. But it doesn't matter. It's there. And I'm killing the trade.
Nelson: But why?! Why would you do that to us? You can get your 12 minutes off the bench anywhere. We were getting Jason Kidd! We were finally going to win a championship!
George: You can win a championship with me. I can do everything Jason Kidd does.
Nelson: Oh, really? Jason Kidd is a surefire Hall of Famer. You are a spot starter.
George: I can rebound.
Nelson: Jason Kidd can rebound better.
George: I am unselfish.
Nelson: Jason Kidd is one of the most unselfish players ever.
George: I can shoot 3s.
Nelson: Jason Kidd can
look, we have enough players who can shoot 3s. Come on, this is ridiculous. What is the real reason you are sabotaging us? Why won't you go to New Jersey?
George: I don't want to uproot my family. We set down roots here in Dallas.
Nelson: Well, that is a fair concern. I can understand that. Wait
you aren't married. You don't have any kids.
George: Crap. I thought you would buy that one.
[Another knock at the door.]
Nelson: Come in.
[Mark Cuban comes into the room dancing the cha-cha, a lively dance of excitement.]
Mark Cuban: Hey, dudes! Whaaaazzzzz-up!
[Cuban gives awkward high-fives to George and Nelson while continuing to cha-cha around the room.]
Cuban: Is this trade going to be awesome or what, dawgs? Jason Kidd, baby!
Nelson: Yeah, about that. Devean is invoking his no-trade clause. The deal is dead.
[Cuban stops dancing for a moment. And then suddenly begins dancing the paso doble -- an angry, aggressive dance.]
George: Yeah. Sorry, Mr. Cuban. But I want to stay here.
Cuban: How dare you cross me! Do you know what I do to people who cross me?! Do you know what I did to Donald Trump?
George: What? What did you do to Donald Trump?
well, I wrote a very cutting blog post about him, that's what. And I'm going to do the same to you.
[Cuban paso dobles over to Nelson's computer, sits down, and begins typing a blog entry about George.]
Nelson: Oh, man. This is getting bad. We need something to lighten the mood. Where's Avery?
[Another knock on the door.]
Nelson: Come in. Avery! I was just talking about you. I was hoping you could lighten the mood in here a bit. Talk to me.
Avery Johnson: Talk to you about what? I don't feel like lightening the mood. I have a splitting headache and I just found out that my great aunt Sally is in the hospital with the gout.
Nelson: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Stop! Stop it! You're killing me! The sound of your voice gets me every time, Avery. Thank you. You're the best. I needed that.
OK. Now, Devean. Let's get back on track. What is the real reason you are killing this trade?
Cuban: And that's that! All done, Devean George. You have totally been dissed on my blog. I hope you are happy with yourself. And you're out of luck if you ever hope to be interviewed or profiled on HDNet. Sucks to be you. R-O-T-F-L-M-A-O!
George: Did you just say "R-O-T-F-L-M-A-O"?
Cuban: Yes. L-O-L.
George: Jeez, you are such a dork.
[Cuban creepily stares George down. He then turns and quicksteps out of the room, taking Avery Johnson as his partner.]
[Another knock at the door.]
Nelson: Yes. Come in.
Dirk Nowitzki: Hallo.
Nelson: Hello, Dirk.
George: Hi, Dirk.
Nowitzki: Devean, I am happy that Jason Kidd is coming to Dallas. But I am sorry to see you go. I have made you a mix tape of David Hasselhoff love ballads. They express what I feel toward you. I hope you enjoy it. Here you go.
[Nowitzki hands mix tape to George.]
Nelson: Dirk, bad news. Devean here has nixed the trade. He has a no-trade clause.
Nowitzki: [Loud cursing in German.] No! This can't be! Jason Kidd and I were going to be playoff magic. He would draw the double-team and then feed me the ball for wide-open, fall-away jumpers at the top of the key. [More loud cursing in German.]
Devean! Give me back my Hasselhoff mix tape! You don't deserve it!
[Nowitzki rips the Hasselhoff tape away from George and clutches it to his heart.]
Nelson: Dirk, just calm down a minute. Are you angry at Devean right now?
Nelson: Do you hate him even?
Nelson: Then give him the Hasselhoff tape. He definitely deserves it.
[Nowitzki gives the tape back to George and leaves the room, muttering, "Auf Wiedersehen."]
Nelson: OK, Devean. We are finally alone again. Now tell me the real reason you are killing this Jason Kidd trade.
[A cell phone rings.]
George: Excuse me. I have to take this.
[George whispers into the phone: "Yeah, I'm here with him now. Just a minute." And then hands the cell phone to Nelson.]
Here, it's for you anyway.
hello? Who is this?
Mitch Kupchak: It's Mitch Kupchak. Sorry to hear your Jason Kidd trade fell through.
how did you know about that already?
Kupchak: Oh, I knew before you did, Donn. Remember who you signed Devean away from two years ago?
Nelson: Yeah, you guys -- the Lakers.
Kupchak: Exactly. He signed with you, but he is still working as an operative for us. Enjoy watching us destroy you in the playoffs with Kobe and Gasol while Jason Kidd rots away in New Jersey! Bwaah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Bwaah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Nelson: Noooooooo! Kupchaaaaaaaaaak!
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" is on sale now.