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Friday, July 11, 2008
Updated: March 26, 6:05 PM ET
Stu Graham

By Mike Sinclair
ESPN

Stu Graham is a man-imal. If he'd been born in another century, he'd probably have picked up a battle axe to fight alongside William Wallace. But, since he's in the now, damn straight Stu picked up a skateboard! Reared on the rough-ass Scottish concrete of the Livingston skatepark, Stu might be a bit rough around the edges himself. But that's exactly what makes him amazing to watch. He loves skateboarding to death and he annihilates whatever he rolls over. Any skater out should be damn proud that he's one of us. Mike Sinclair sat down with Stu to get the latest from one of skating's true characters.
(Editor's Note: If Stu's Scottish dialect throws you for a loop, scroll down to the Glossary at the bottom of the article.)

Couldn't you picture Stu as a pro wrestler? Here he puts the backside disaster smackdown on a massive SoCal tranny.
I have heard that you are in between the ages of 22 and 45. Which is more accurate?
Well, Ah wish a wiz only 22 like, but that's close enough.

What do you think of Ben Schroeder?
Ben Schroeder, holy shit. That guy's a f**king demon. Don't get tay close, like. He's a f**king maniac! Schroeder's the best.

He is pretty much the biggest dude I have ever seen rip at skating but I think your head swallows his.
I'll tell yay this but Ah widdny f**king try and put it tay the test like. Devastation!

Can you wear a helmet?
Yay should see the size of my helmet.

When was the last time you had hair?
It wiz'nt really too long ago actually, a couple years or so. I hate the shite man. Ah only grew it out so the wife could get an idea just how big the dome wiz.

Hitting your head on the Creature obstacle at the Vans Downtown Showdown, how did you avoid the scalping that Omar took? (Omar Hassan needed staples after hitting his head in the same manner as Stu at that contest)
Well let me break it doon: Ah stuck the head in the hotel door the previous night kiz Sam Hitz and Navs (Darren Navarette) threw me out of the room for being outta control. So that's the deal. Ah fully smashed the shit outta a 2x4 with my head as Ah skated under the dark lord's helmet. I got heavy f**ked up like it just didn't split somehow.

Omar peeled his cap back after you headbutted the bottom of the ramp right?
Like 20 minutes later, Omar's head popped like a melon. Shit wiz metal like just watchin' his skin slip back on his cranium wiz enough fer me like.

How didn't your big-ass head get ripped open and Omar's did?
I'm not sure what happened mate. Ah think he stood up right into it yay know? Crazy though when you're standing right there. My wee ding wiz f**k all. Ah felt really bad kiz Ah was saying tay everyone it's too low and that and then, "Whack!" So gnarly.

Was the headbut at Downtown Showdown worse than getting hit in the head by a crane back in Scotland?
The crane wins hands doon man! Let's just say when workin' with cranes, be cautious like Ben Schroeder's sharking around on the flat-bottom. Besides, it wizny swinging that hard, ah mean hard enough like but ah had my hard hat on tay! Great example of ringin' yer bell.

Gnarly as he is on board, Stu's a true family man at home with his kids.
When was the last time you skated in a kilt?
Just a few months ago actually. Ah wear my kilt regularly. It's good with the wee breeze up the baws! Ah'll take this time tay apologize tay; if ya see ma baws or have done in the past, terribly sorry!

I hear you like to wear shades and look up women's skirts?
Who f**kin doesn't. Come tay f**k like! yay see a wee skwatch and yer hyped dinny geez yer shite! Abday wit baws wid agree (We can't even translate this; absolutely no idea what he's saying here.—Ed.)

Do you like looking up skirts more or peeping cleavage?
Just whatever's on offer really. Ah mean, Ah'm not a mad perv like. Ah just seem tay see it a lot. Eyes like a hawk my dah used tay say

If the wind blows really hard and your kilt flies up, word on the street is that all of your junk is exposed, is this acceptable dress code back in Scotland?
Aye man, totally acceptable. It's just like an act of God, just tell ahb'day that sees yer manhood they just won a free hour on the tower of power.

Would you be hyped on a signature kilt?
F**kin right mate! That's what's up like. Ah've got my family's tartan obviously, but hell yee!

Who are your Scotland buddies?
It's a bunch a boys ah grew up with: Benson, Div, Alex Irine and Scotty.

Who is the gnarliest Scottish ripper that is unheard of?
Probably wee Benson, like. Hands doon one ah the best. It's just a shame kiz he's got nothing man. We used tay kick him some product when we had it. Serious case of shit scenario fer that c**t. At least he's got Livi (Livingston skatepark) at his doorstep!

I hear that you got blown up by some sort of gas explosion back in Scotland?
That's by far the closest Ah've been tay death like. It wiz electric as well. We're diggin' away. Ah'm the banksman: My job's tay stand in the f**king hole and watch the mini-digger in case he hits any wires or pipes. So the digger takes a stroke and BOOM! That's all ah mind. Ah woke up in the work van chalk-white like a ghost! When ah got it together, ah went back tay see what my dah's going on about. There's a hole like 4, maybe 5 feet wide just blown tay f**k! If ah wiz just a wee bit closer, shite wouldn't have been cool like. Don't play wit electricity kids.

Have you ever eaten a child?
No way man. That's just ogre shite. Ah'm nay that kinda guy.

Has one ever looked appetizing to you?
Nah. Ah'm a beef kinda guy. That's why ah like the USA so much ya dig?

Stu came to New York to swat planes out of the sky atop the Empire State Building. But he took a day to skate the Autumn Bowl as well. Frontside ollie.
I also hear that you think birth control works in mysterious ways; there is some sort of grace period that you can't get a woman pregnant right after her first born? Is this theory what some might call, "Stu Facts?"
Nah, yah have it the wrong way around. Right after a women's given birth, she's way more likely tay GET pregnant! So be safe peeps. That's some guru Stu shit.

Why did you get a Blind Reaper tattoo?
Aw come tay f**k! Ah wiz in tay it when ah wiz 16! That wiz the first (tattoo) ah got as well. Could've be worse; it could've said "Sheckler."

What does the Blind team think of your Reaper tat?
Actually, Jake Duncombe wiz laughing his ass off in Hawaii at the beach when he saw it. But deep down he wants one; Ah could tell! Stu Fact.

John Rattray informed to me never sleep near you on a camping trip: You'll either piss on me or puke all over me. One, if not both, are guaranteed by Mr. Rattray.
Ah got a problem. When ah start partying Ah can't stop. It's like Pringles wit the drink. Ah don't drink ever really but when ah go out it's usually with a bang. John's got nay worries tay kiz Ah've never puked or pissed on him. Pretty close once, but instead I chose his shin fer a pillow. Then he climbed in bed naked with our filmer at the time. So beware Rattray, the Ogre's gonna get yay!

Did you know any Sinclair's from Scotland?
Does a bear shit in the woods? Course Ah knew that. There's a guy from Livi called Greg Sinclair who used tay skate back in the day. There wiz a teacher at my school, Mr. Sinclair. The Scots are everywhere mate, mind that.

Last words?
Thanks aye cheers fer the opportunity tay spill some shite on EXPN. Thanks tay my family, Creature, Osiris, Ezekiel, Indy, Spitfire, Goodtimes in Grass Valley and God fer makin' me this ugly!


A GLOSSARY OF SCOTTISH (STU-ISH?) TERMS

Ah: I. the first person expression of one's self.
Wiz: Was.
Tay: To or too.
Yay: You. Yeah he's talking to you, yay wee f**ker!
Widdny: Wouldn't or would not.
Shite: Excrement, crap, dookie.
Doon: Down, the opposite of up.
Kiz: Because. As in, "Kiz Stu said so and he just might eat your children."
Fer: For.
Yer: Your.
Baws: Balls or berries or nuts or what have you.
Dah: Dad, a male parent or father.
Yee: Yeah or yes.
Ahb'day: A body or anybody.
Nay: Not.