Wednesday, October 29, 2008
In golf, sometimes it's OK to take a whiff
By Bob Smiley Special to ESPN.com
Some of you might be under the impression that major golf news tends to slow as the season winds down. If so, you clearly missed Monday's announcement that SA Fragrances is developing a new scent inspired by Annika Sorenstam. According to the news release, the fragrance "will evoke the essence of Annika, a distinctive, casually elegant and naturally beautiful woman." For those readers who don't speak gobbledygook, allow me to translate: It will smell like perfume.
Maybe a Woody Austin cologne could recall the smell of pond water after his memorable dip during the 2007 Presidents Cup?
Annika the perfume comes on the heels of Bobby Jones the cologne, which bills itself as "a tribute to the Bobby Jones legend finding its winning appeal in the iconic scents of the fairway." I'm pretty sure the concoction does not include the lawnmower fumes and seeping landfill gases that tend to waft across the courses I play.
But my cynicism came to a halt the moment I discovered a 4.2 oz. bottle of Bobby Jones retails for $70. Since then, I've been busy pondering who smells like what and trying to land on the next great golf-themed fragrance. Now if only ESPN.com was available in scratch-n-sniff.
Monty for Men (Colin Montgomerie)
Made from the tears of fragile sportswriters. Ideal for those angry Friday afternoon walks to the parking lot. Might be a disappointment in the States.
The first fragrance that doubles as a high-performance sports drink. Intimidate co-workers with your scent, all while replenishing your body with essential vitamins, minerals and electrolytes.
Aquaman (Woody Austin)
A violent mix of reclaimed pond water and the blue stuff barbers use to disinfect their combs.
Walrus (Craig Stadler)
Very musky. Thirty calories per squirt. Smells vaguely of fried calamari.
A boyish scent with a traditionally weak finish.
Q-School, The Fragrance
Potent and generally unstable. Not suitable for men prone to high blood pressure. Has tendency to attack central nervous system, leading to nausea and/or depression. Pairs perfectly with waiting for bar exam results or proposing to a girlfriend who might say no.
Sweet, refreshing, with a citrus-like hold. This is just a mix of lemonade and iced tea.
OTM (Old Tom Morris)
A classic blend of hickory, wool and ground-up featheries. Guaranteed to take at least 50 yards off all drives if sprayed on your opponent during a match.
A fan favorite. Mild, light and disarming. Each bottle also comes with a 200-page manual by Dave Pelz on how to best use the fragrance depending on various statistically proven data.
Far and away the finest fragrance for men ever produced. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to discuss what's in the cologne or how you can get some.
Potentially illegal in 17 states, Daly contains three controlled substances mixed with unfiltered air from the local Hooters. Just like Monty, this one might have better luck in Europe.
Bob Smiley is a regular contributor to ESPN.com's golf coverage. His forthcoming book, "Follow the Roar," chronicles his adventures following Tiger Woods throughout the 2008 season. You can order the book now. He also writes the golf blog Fore Right and can be reached at Bobsmiley77@gmail.com.