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Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Page 2's 10 Rules of "Fight Club"


NHL general managers are meeting this week in Florida. On the agenda: "rules of engagement" to make fighting in the sport less "archaic."

Here are 10 rules I think everyone can agree on.

1. When levying insults, the fighters should strive to use formal and respectful terminology such as: "I engaged in coitus with your beautiful mother one evening prior."

2. Neck punches are welcome, but fighters should avoid punching the voice box so referees can clearly hear pleas for mercy.

3. An opponent's sweater may be pulled up over his head to punch him in the back of the head only if he does not possess unsightly back hair.

4. Biting is only allowed with the use of a mouthpiece. If a mouthpiece is not used, no biting of the face is permitted.

5. Purple-nurples may be administered for a maximum of 10 seconds.

6. Skate blades may not be used to hack off the limbs of the opponent.

7. Souvenirs -- scalps, tooth necklaces, and the like -- may only be worn by the fight's victor until the end of the period in which the fight took place.

8. Penalty box time following fights shall be spent writing an apology note to the other combatant. Sarcasm should be kept to a minimum.

9. Fight participants retain no monetary rights to fight footage sold by the NHL for marketing purposes.

10. All rules can be ignored when fighting Sean Avery.