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Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Updated: April 27, 10:31 AM ET
A Quest For Answers


Dewayne Wise
If you're a regular listener of the "fun fest" weekdays from 9 to 1, you've come to know that I've got more questions than answers. Sounds like an odd proclamation from a "know-it-all" sports-talk radio host, doesn't it? See, there I go again with the questions! Now, don't get me wrong, I've got plenty of opinions, too, but they're normally outnumbered by the vast, disconnected queries that fill my melon. Sometimes I just can't wrap my arms around the most pressing issues in the world of sports.

Case in point: I'm sure you read early this week that a severed goat head was found hanging from the Harry Caray statue early Monday morning. WHY? A Southside prank? Look, a prank is putting shaving cream in the earpiece of a phone and telling someone the phone is for them. (Ask 49ers head coach Mike Singletary about that one. One fall day in 1991, I was feeling a little creative and was hoping to catch Jim Morrissey off guard, but got Samurai Mike instead. It was a difficult afternoon, to say the least.) Breaking the curse, you say? If you believe in curses, you're a goof, and strapping a bleeding, bacteria-infested goat head on the statue of a baseball legend isn't the route to take. I've got one word for the guilty party: DISGUSTING and STUPID ... OK, that was three words, but I couldn't help myself.

On the topic of WHY, and baseball, why are Sox and Cubs relief pitchers nibbling? It's 25 degrees, its misting, and the wind is blowing IN at 30 mph. Throw strikes and make the guy at the dish who's wishing it was August beat you with that frozen piece of lumber that stings when it makes contact.

WHY were you booing Dewayne Wise on Opening Day? Granted, all major leaguers should be able to get a bunt down, but who were you expecting to take the field, Grady Sizemore? He's a 31-year-old journeyman who's never had more than 162 at bats in any one season. Boo Kenny if you don't like your center fielder.

Tyrus Thomas
WHY, for the love of everything good and pure in this world, does Tyrus Thomas continue to do things that drive me and all Bulls fans crazy? He's made tremendous strides and is starting to develop into a difference-maker, and then he slams the ball into the hardwood, tackles a Piston, gets T'd up and then strides past Vinny Del Negro with that annoying "stink eye" expression that would make Jon Gruden proud. You get paid like a pro, act like one. Please.

WHY does Rick Morrissey still think Jay Cutler is bad idea? Love me some Rick Morrissey, but even the most ardent Kyle Orton fan must acknowledge that the Bears just got significantly better at the most important position in all of sports. No Super Bowl predictions from me just yet, but I do know they took a giant step towards returning to the big game in the future.

WHY do the rugged men of the NHL grow the playoff beard? If you want a good-luck charm, buy a rabbit's foot or something that doesn't collect frozen snot and last night's dinner. I'm more than willing to acknowledge a handsome man, but those things are hideous. Note to Bobby Jenks, Reed Johnson and John Salmons: You guys need a razor, too. And BTW, why doesn't John pronounce his name like the fish?

WHY is Florida International University interested in Isaiah Thomas? He bankrupted the CBA, wrecked the Knicks, struggles to get along with co-workers, and can't stick that 25-foot jumper anymore.

WHY did Silvy's one-eyed barber mysteriously leave the country, forcing him, Perry, Burger, Delevitt and Carm to have to find a new barber?

WHY did Harry get on that horse?

WHY ....... I could go on forever, but I've gotta go pick up one of my daughters at soccer practice.

WHY isn't my wife going to pick her up?