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Welcome back to another edition of Page 2's weekly Power Rankings, where the confusion of a world in which the College of Williams & Mary considers an asparagus stalk mascot -- it has to think twice? -- is replaced by the clarity of making a list:
Only reason your local
meteorologist weatherman remains employed
Credentials: Giver of life, Monday golf and Milli Vanilli lyrics. Two out of three ain't bad.
Also sloshed at Bethpage? The golf course! (rim shot)
Credentials: Through Saturday, brew sales at U.S. Open exceed soda and water sales combined; drunk fans reportedly heckle Tiger Woods with "Suck it up, you've got your own video game!" Which, come to think of it, is kind of like taunting Woods for having his own hot former Swedish bikini model wife. Advantage? Sobriety.
Ricky Barnes, Lucas Glover, David Duval, Ben Roethlisberger
Credentials: Also discovered last week: evidence of an ancient lake on Mars. Who knew?
The Brett Favre of golf
Credentials: Presenting the Page 2 Power Rankings Tiger Woods Sports Talk Automator®:
10 IF "Tiger Woods won" GOTO 20; IF "Tiger Woods lost" GOTO 30
20 "How awesome is Tiger -- very or totally?" GOTO 40
30 "What's wrong with Tiger? Did he not wear the right shade of red?"
40 GOTO 10
An unlikely [expletive] savior
Credentials: With a single, vulgarity-laden interview segment, stand-up comic/"Howard Stern Show" regular rescues: (a) The United States of America from Round 26 of the Brett Favre Indecision '09 world tour; (b) "Joe Buck Live" from inducing large-scale narcolepsy. Whatever HBO paid Lange in appearance fees, it's not enough.
Window of opportunity now an atomic blast crater
Credentials: Enters Wimbledon with a chance to capture record-setting 15th major title on his best surface without having to face defending champion/tear-inducing nemesis Rafa Nadal, who withdrew at the last minute with sore knees. No pressure or anything.
Calmly awaiting a potential congressional inquiry
Credentials: Texas Rangers players, manager reportedly "surprised" by news that Sosa tested positive for steroids. Also shocked that Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson got together at the end of "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."
Right again. D'oh!
Credentials: Correctly tabbed Sosa as a 'roider in 2005's "Juiced"; now wants to have Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro join him in a class-action defamation suit against MLB and the players' union, even though he's the guy who wrote the tell-all book that ruined his character in the first place. Is ending up punch-drunk from fighting Danny Bonaduce even possible?
Will NOT be held responsible for global warming, seven seasons of "Arli$$"
Credentials: Former Detroit Lions general manger tells SI.com that Detroit needed "a bad guy" and that he was faulted for "the fall of the auto industry and the housing market somehow, I had something to do with Kwame Kilpatrick." Subprime mortgage lenders, designers of Chrysler Sebring, Kilpatrick consider class-action defamation suit.
Someone get him a Snorg Tees gift card
Credentials: LeBron James wears shirts reading "LBJ MVP" while shopping in New York City and "Check My $tats" while vacationing in Saint-Tropez; Kobe Bryant dons shirt with image of a puppet hand sporting four NBA championship rings during Los Angeles Lakers' victory parade. Also forthcoming? Travis Henry in a "Female Body Inspector" tee, Alex Rodriguez in a pajama top, Ryan Leaf in full Hamburglar regalia
Still has Monica Bellucci going for it, which is nice
Credentials: Defending world soccer champs lose first-ever match to an African team, falling 1-0 to Egypt in Confederations Cup play; meanwhile, Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi embroiled in ongoing scandal involving female escorts and alleged 18-year-old mistress. U.S. equivalent? Men's national basketball team upset by Angola, while President Obama identified as the guy in the R. Kelly tape.
The future is almost now
Credentials: 1997 sci-fi flick chronicles a future in which genes are destiny and society creates a class of super children who have only the best hereditary traits of their parents; in totally unrelated news, Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are expecting their first child
Got it goin' like a turbo Vette
Credentials: Dallas Cowboys offensive coordinator Jason Garrett reportedly calls his quarterback "bottom-heavy," showing a striking lack of familiarity with both Romo's girlfriend and the photographic contents of US Weekly.
Get them out of here! No, seriously
Credentials: Irritating appearances on "Today" show, "I'm a Celebrity Get Me out of Here" best argument yet for resumption of NASA's moon program. Sans the return flights.
Give him 60 feet, six inches, baby, or give him death
Credentials: Former MLB hitting machine delivers epic, videotaped autograph-session soliloquy on steroid users, accusing them of cheating themselves, their families, their friends, their fans, "Americana and apple pie." On the subject of hormone-injected poultry, however, Boggs remains conspicuously silent.
Kings of the hill, top of the heap, [expletive] you, buddy!
Credentials: In annual road rage survey, New York ends Miami's four-year reign as the city with the angriest, most aggressive drivers; according to a survey spokesman, Gothamites also are the most likely drivers to make obscene gestures. Sigh. If only the Knicks had similar heart.
Touched by tragedy
Credentials: Former mountain biking world champion -- and yes, there is such a thing -- Melissa Glove arrested and charged after drug enforcement agents reportedly seize more than 200 pounds of marijuana from a truck she's driving. Note: not an ice cream truck
Also receiving votes: Roger Clemens signing off from an online Q-and-A session with "Peace in the Middle East," as if "Free Mumia," "Save Darfur" and "Hugs Not Drugs" aren't weighing just as heavily on The Rocket's mighty heart; Kevin McHale telling the Minnesota Timberwolves that his dismissal is a mistake, and trust him, he has extensive mistake experience; North Korea's soccer team qualifying for the World Cup for the first time since 1966 despite ailing Kim Jong-il not being on the pitch to score 20 goals; Brettfavrebrettfavre breaking his silence to reveal absolutely nothing new, yet making headlines anyway, just as he always does, and we grudgingly have to admit, that's something of a talent.
Never receiving votes: The Twitter co-founder Biz Stone's blog post on the State Department's asking the site to delay scheduled maintenance so Iranians can continue to use it -- "It's humbling to think that our two-year old company could be playing such a globally meaningful role that state officials find their way toward highlighting our significance" -- which shows that it's possible to be convoluted, nonsensical and conceited in slightly more than 140 characters; "Moneyball" the movie being put on ice; director Michael Bay ripping marketing efforts for the upcoming "Transformers" sequel by saying, "Right now we are not an event. We are just a sequel," as if Optimus Prime is, say, gearing up to address the Muslim world in Cairo instead of smashing stuff in THX.
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2.