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I try not to focus on the negative. Really.
I don't see myself as a glass-half-empty kind of guy. In fact, I'm so positive that I've been known to go around filling people's half-empty glasses all the way to the top. (Granted, I worked as a waiter at the time, and it was solely to get good tips.)
But I'm not a negative person.
Yet it was hard to watch Sunday's NFL action and not see the major storylines as three negatives: Jake Delhomme's continued implosion, the Cincinnati Bengals' improbable loss and Jay Cutler's disastrous Chicago Bears debut.
Jake Delhomme: After six turnovers in Carolina's playoff loss to the Arizona Cardinals last season, Delhomme showed he's already in playoff form by committing five more in three quarters against the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday. Panthers coach John Fox eventually pulled him for Josh McCown, but McCown subsequently was hurt. Then Fox put third-string QB Matt Moore into the game (to throw an interception). Bad form, Fox. This is how you lose your team. You're not a players' coach. You should have put Delhomme back in there so he could go for the record.
Cincinnati Bengals: The Music City Miracle. The Immaculate Reception. Plays like Brandon Stokley's touchdown usually get special names. I submit this one for Denver's winning touchdown: A Play Not Entirely Unexpected Against The Cincinnati Bengals. Catchy, no? And then with all future such plays, we can just tack on Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, etc.
Jay Cutler: Four interceptions? What was he looking at? Or, perhaps, what was he looking through? (Bangs and ridiculous sunglasses, maybe?) I'll give him this, though: Cutler immediately succeeded in a way an all-time great athlete like Alex Rodriguez could not. Cutler is already a true Chicago Bears quarterback. Hopefully for Bears fans, he'll soon snap out of that.
• "Be fearsome out there. Like a hungry tiger. RAWR!"
• "You know, you should really consider doing a Rogaine commercial next."
• "Ha-ha-ha-ha. I love Detroit Lions jokes." "So do I. I'll admit it."
• "Hey! I asked for the dessert menu, not the dinner menu!"
• "So you're one of those visor guys, huh? A visor and some sort of smock. Interesting choices for your first game."
• "Send in ... the clowns ...":
• "So what's it like to be universally loved and then universally hated? That has to be a weird feeling, huh?"
• "But this helmet burns! It burns!" "Just work through it, buddy. We all had to do it at first. It will go away."
• "What's taking Bob so long? Other people need to use the ATM, you know."
"I've never seen anything like that."
-- Carson Palmer, on Denver's winning score
Really, Palmer? You've played for the Bengals for six years. Do you not watch your games?
71: Cardinals WR Larry Fitzgerald had only 71 receiving yards against the 49ers, the first time he was held to fewer than 100 yards in seven games. He also had one touchdown. So he's currently on pace for 1,136 receiving yards and 16 touchdowns. Considering he's also a "Madden" cover boy, that's not too bad at all. Fitzgerald definitely got off better than Troy Polamalu, who clearly must have said something disparaging about turducken at a "Madden" event.
Brodie Croyle, QB, Chiefs: 16-for-24, 177 yards, 2 touchdowns
Cedric Benson, RB, Bengals: 108 total yards, touchdown
Willis McGahee, RB, Ravens: 75 totals yards, 2 touchdowns
Patrick Crayton, WR, Cowboys: 4 catches, 135 yards, touchdown
Devery Henderson, WR, Saints:5 catches, 103 yards, touchdown
Robert Royal, TE, Browns 4 catches, 60 yards, touchdown
DJ Gallo is the founder of and sole writer for the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.