|ESPN.com: Page 2||[Print without images]|
Everyone wants to dig into Tiger Woods' past.
Why? We're not going to find anything good there. I want to dig into his future. Let's take a look at the next year of Tiger's schedule.
Dec. 12: Video Game Awards -- Tiger isn't slated to attend, but as you can see here, "Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10" is among four nominees for Best Individual Sports Game. Also nominated? "Fight Night Round 4." Next year, EA should combine those two games to dominate the category.
Dec. 29: His caddie's birthday -- Some have said Tiger should fire his caddie. I don't know. It's not really my place to say. But if Tiger does let Steve Williams go, he probably should wait until after Christmas and the guy's birthday pass. Then he can present Williams with his customary gifts (I presume 10 percent of whatever Tiger got for his birthday and Christmas) and send him on his way with an extremely awkward high five.
Jan. 1: His wife's birthday -- He allegedly has cheated on her. Lied. Disrespected and humiliated her and her family. So what can he do on her birthday to try to make it up to her? I have no idea. But I know what he cannot do.
Jan. 25-31: San Diego Open -- As things currently stand, this is likely to be Tiger's return to the PGA Tour. How will he deal with the scrutiny? Remember, golfers are mere feet from the fans. So it will be easy for people to say things to him like: "Hey, Tiger! We hope things work out for the best for you and your family!" Or: "No one is perfect, Tiger. You messed up, but life is about constant self-improvement! All the best to you in your journey!" Or, who knows, some could say worse. Perhaps. It will be interesting to see how he deals with it all.
April 8-11: The Masters -- The green jacket. Azaleas. Amen Corner. Magnolia Lane. Eisenhower's Tree. Rae's Creek. And likely a couple hundred reporters from TMZ, Star, US Weekly and OK! Magazine. Classy!
June 17-20: US Open -- The final day of the U.S. Open is also Father's Day. Here's a Father's Day gift that might experience a dip in sales this year.
July 1-4: AT&T National -- Tiger is the host of this tournament. The 2010 AT&T National is in Newtown Square, Pa., but the 2009 event was at Congressional in Washington, D.C. Hey, that reminds me ... remember when Tiger was so squeaky clean that he was chosen to speak at a presidential inauguration event ... and even the thought of him having a mildly political thought in his head was seen as somewhat controversial? Ahh, those were good times.
July 15-18: British Open -- Tiger will hit into a deep pot bunker. But he will get out of it with a masterful shot and save par. And then a golf announcer will say something about how it was like him rescuing his personal life from the deep, dark hole it was in. I guarantee this happens. Why? Because golf announcers are incredibly corny.
July 15-18: Reno-Tahoe Open -- This PGA Tour tournament is held at the same time as the Open Championship. Which is good. The more scheduling conflicts that keep Tiger out of Nevada for the time being, the better.
July 18: ESPY Awards -- Tiger has won the most awards in ESPYS history. I think this year we can pencil him in for Best Golfer and Best Scandal That We Could Have In No Way Predicted, We Mean Really, What The #^$* Happened?
Aug. 12-15: PGA Championship -- At the 2009 PGA Championship, Tiger let a final-round lead slip away to Y.E. Yang. Let's hope blowing a lead in a major is the low point of his 2010.
Sept. 23-26: The Tour Championship -- The final event on the PGA Tour schedule. Will Tiger play enough this year to be in contention for the FedEx Cup? Remember, he already has four points thanks to the Florida Highway Patrol.
Nov. 4-7: WGC-HSBC Champions -- This event is in Shanghai. Tentatively scheduled to appear: Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els. Tentatively scheduled not to appear: Rachel Uchitel.
Nov. 25: Thanksgiving -- By this time, a year will have passed since the incident that set off this firestorm. If Tiger is shoeless and snoring this year, please let it be on his couch and from nothing more than tryptophan. Then we all can be thankful he's back to being boring and move on to some other golf scandal. Like, I don't know ... something juicy about Davis Love III. That dude is probably into some crazy stuff, am I right? Like, pleated khakis. Get on it, National Enquirer!
DJ Gallo is the founder of and sole writer for the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.
Back to Page 2 | Comment