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It's the Super Bowl. In Miami. There are a few parties.
Here's what is left on the slate between now and Sunday. Attend 10 parties, get one free liver!
Jamie Moyer, Mario Batali Super Brunch
The 411: Mario Batali will design a gourmet brunch, and celebrities Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Buffett and Emeril Lagasse will appear. How Jamie Moyer is associated I do not know. I thought men his age woke up to eat way before brunch.
Smocks & Jocks Jazz Brunch
The 411: Featuring an auction of artwork by former and current NFL stars. Stick around and maybe you'll see someone draw up a winning play.
Black Eyed Peas concert
The 411: Featuring Miami Dolphins part-owner Fergie! I'll go but ONLY if Tom Benson and Jim Irsay perform, too. "My lumps, my lumps, my lovely old man lumps."
Lingerie Bowl VII
The 411: Wait the Lingerie Bowl is one day after the playoffs end? It's almost as if this isn't a real sport. I hope these girls can find someone willing to massage them between games.
Super Bowl Saturday Night
The 411: Slated to perform: O.A.R., Barenaked Ladies and Robert Randolph and the Family Band. There also will be fireworks.
Taste of the NFL
The 411: Slated to perform: Barenaked Ladies. So the fireworks at Super Bowl Saturday Night will be from the Barenaked Ladies' car backfiring as they head to their next gig.
Sean Paul concert
The 411: "Temperature" chorus lyrics:
Well woman the way the time cold I wanna be keepin' you warm
I got the right temperature for shelter you from the storm
Oh lord, gal I got the right tactics to turn you on, and girl I ...
Wanna be the Papa ... You can be the Mom ... oh oh!
Fun fact: These are the exact words Archie Manning used to woo his wife, Olivia. (Maybe. I can't really confirm that.)
Penthouse Magazine Super Party
The 411: Penthouse 2010 Pet of the Year Taylor Vixen is slated to appear at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. Also slated to appear: a lot of bad jokes about "Seminole," "Hard" and "Rock."
Celebrity Flag Football Game
The 411: I can't find which NFL players are scheduled to participate. But I think we can assume Tom Brady would be up for a game like this.
Dane Cook concert
The 411: This is one event Jamie Foxx is not scheduled to attend. But you still might hear some of his jokes.
NFL Alumni Sporting Clays Team Challenge
The 411: Current and former NFL players will serve as celebrity captains during this sporting clays contest. Yes, that's right, lots of NFL players being photographed around guns. Does Roger Goodell know about this event?
Spectacular Super Bowl Party
The 411: This event will feature a poker tournament and will be hosted by Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy. The perfect party if you enjoy things that were much more popular a few years ago.
Jamie Foxx & Friends Bud Bowl Party
The 411: Jamie Foxx again, ladies and gentlemen! The extra X in "Foxx" is for the line on contracts he signs to make as much money as possible.
DJ Gallo is the founder of and sole writer for the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.
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