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When the U.S. pulled off the "Miracle on Ice" 30 years ago, it supposedly taught us that the American way of life was better than the Soviet way of life. So what did we learn from Team USA's 5-3 win over Canada?
The democratic republic form of government is superior to parliamentary democracy
Has to be, right? The U.S. beat Canada at hockey! Now, what specifically is better about it? I'm not sure. I'm not an expert on international government. I think we can assume that a president is superior to a prime minister. And I know that the dude on the American dollar bill is more attractive than the dude on the old Canadian dollar bill. Beyond that, we'll call it a wash.
Canada picked the wrong night to stop drinking
Vancouver liquor stores closed four hours early Sunday night, at 7 p.m., in hopes of cutting down on public drunkenness in the streets. Whoops! Could have used that booze to drown sorrows. And the bureaucrats who make decisions like this don't realize that closing liquor stores early simply makes people drink earlier and drink more. For example, it appeared Martin Brodeur had downed a case of beer five or 10 minutes before the game.
Chris Drury picked the wrong sport to play professionally
As a 13-year-old in 1989, Drury led his Trumbull, Conn., Little League team to the LLWS championship. He decided to focus on hockey, won the Hobey Baker Award, a Stanley Cup and an Olympic silver medal, and now he has scored a goal in Team USA's upset of Canada. Yet he's probably unrecognizable in 98 percent of the households in the United States. If only he mowed more and faked a retirement every offseason.
MSNBC found the formula for bigger ratings: international hockey!
While Canadians got to "enjoy" Canada-USA in high-definition glory on CTV, those in the United States got ice dancing in HD on NBC. The hockey was relegated to MSNBC and in standard def in many places. Yay! But at least MSNBC gave equal coverage to the left wings and right wings.
Americans love hockey more than baseball
I know. It's a surprise to me, too. But it's the only thing that makes sense. Because there are a ton of people whooping it up about this win, yet forgetting that Canada beat the U.S. in the 2006 World Baseball Classic. Yes, a Derek Jeter-led American squad lost 8-6 to the Canadians behind Adam Loewen and Adam Stern. If Loewen and Stern could be made into a hockey player, they'd be the guy in the middle here.
Brian Rafalski is the new Mike Eruzione
With two goals against the Canadians, Rafalski has a chance to be known as the hero of the 2010 team. The only question that remains: Who will play him in "Miracle 2: More Miracley"? Can Anthony Edwards skate?
Martin Brodeur is the new 2004 U.S. Olympic basketball team
On paper, unstoppable. But then the U.S. team lost to Puerto Rico, Lithuania and Argentina and meekly took bronze. You know what? Never mind. This comparison is unfair for Brodeur. He has more than 30 career assists and a goal. He would have been one of the better passers on that U.S. team -- and definitely the best shooter.
Mike Babcock is not panicking
The Canadian coach felt there was much to feel positive about after the loss. "I thought we did a lot of things really well," he said. "We've just chosen a longer route to get where we want to go." No doubt. The Canadians still can win gold, but they won't have a bye and likely will have to go through the Russians. It's like they can still go home safely if they don't win gold -- except they'll need bodyguards and will have to go through the back doors of their homes so they don't get attacked. No biggie.
Sidney Crosby is not panicking
Asked after the game whether he was worried, Crosby said: "No, not at all. I mean, this is a short-term event and you look to get better every game, and guys would probably agree that this was one of our better games."
Canada is panicking
That was one of their "better games"? And they lost to the United States? In hockey? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The Olympic torch traveled more then 45,000 kilometers across Canada from Oct. 30 to Feb. 12. If only Canadians had known this would happen, they could have set themselves on fire.
DJ Gallo is the founder of and sole writer for the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.
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