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Friday, March 5, 2010
Fan X has an offer you can't refuse

By Fan X
Page 2


I'm back again. Bigger and better than ever. Same as it ever was.

Let's just real quick address some of the HATERS from last week's serving of sports truth and unfiltered SMACK. Like always, a lot of people couldn't handle me bringing it high and tight to their face, right out of their computer screen.

A) Many of you still aren't signing your names to your comments. Why? I guess because you're scared. Man up. Come out from behind your pink masks and stop being anonymous.

B) Let's put this out there now: You haters don't bother me and nothing you say affects me. I wouldn't give you the time of day. That's why I don't even pay attention to your comments.

C) Commenter "jefferykent2" posted on my (stone-cold lock!) 2010 NFL sleeper picks: "How could the Steelers, Patriots or Giants be sleepers? They are all teams that are expected to make the playoffs or Super Bowl every year. My sleeper team is the Colts. They will finally break the .500 mark for wins!"

Your sleeper team is the Colts? They made the Super Bowl last year, dummy. That's not a sleeper pick. I went out on a limb and took two teams who didn't even make the playoffs in Pittsburgh and the Giants. And also the Patriots who barely made it and then lost in the first round to the Packers. What an idiot. Colts. Way to put yourself out there, jefferykent2, if that is your name. For those of you wondering how you get as big as I am in this business, it's called having GUTS to make a big prediction like I did. People respect that. Risk = reward. There's my success tip to you. You're lucky it's free.

So A, B, C. Boom. Boom. Bam. The only other letter worth knowing is X. Fan X. Me.

Now enough with the haters. Let me talk to the millions of you who are out there in Fan X Nation. This is your chance to be part of an exclusive club. I'm letting you e-hang out with me by creating a Fan X Nation fantasy baseball league on ESPN.com.

I figure I bring Page 2 millions of page views each week, so why not throw their fantasy site some business, too? I'm a team player even if I'm the star. Plus, they're paying me BANK!

So here's the link.

Sign up right away. It's free. But space is limited and you know they'll go fast because people will want to be able to tell their friends they're in a fantasy league with the actual Fan X.

There are rules, however.

1. You will LOSE. I trust you know that already. As much as I know about sports, I know twice as much about fantasy sports. In fact, I've won every fantasy league I've ever been in except when my team has had injured players or I've been screwed in the draft or the league is set up with scoring rules that don't fit my roster or everyone in my league ignores my trade requests. Undefeated, undisputed.

2. I am setting the points categories. I am the commissioner. I am in charge. This is not a democracy. You join a fantasy league with someone famous, you sacrifice some things. You all will be like my posse.

I'm not sure what the categories will be yet. Maybe I can set them after the draft and I see what players I get. All I know is that the league I was in last year was all about home runs, average, wins and strikeouts. There SHOULD be way more to fantasy baseball than that. So that's why I finished seventh in that stupid league. This year I might have only three categories: HBP, triples and games started. Those were my best categories last year and this league should reflect that.

3. You have to be creative. Don't try to come into this league with some lame team name. Last year my team name was #$%^&*^ Fudge !@^&*@~. Genius, right? And the year before that it was Mr. ^&*(+@! Pockets. Probably even better. Basically the key is to come up with a name making fun of women or any other group that can't take it. And if you can work in Jeter or A-Rod, that's good, too. Again: Be creative or be destroyed.

4. You will be destroyed. And not just in the standings, but on the league message board. I will be on there all day every day slinging smack and proposing trades. Don't join this league if you are the sensitive girl type who can't handle being called out for being a moron. If you think I bring the SMACK in my column, you ain't seen nothing yet. This is journalism what I do here. On message boards I bring it HARD and uncut. I can't tell you how many people I've run out of fantasy leagues because they can't handle it. I can't even get anyone to be in a league with me anymore.

That's why I'm giving you all, Fan X Nation, the opportunity to have this experience. Sign up now and prepare to be humiliated.

And haters need not apply.

Fan X is anonymous, but you know him well. He works with you, or he's your neighbor, or maybe the guy sitting one table over at the sports bar. He's incredibly annoying.


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