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|Shaun Smith on being accused of grabbing another player: "I don't recall doing anything like that."|
No. No. A thousand times no. When Kansas City Chiefs defensive end Shaun Smith was accused of grabbing an opposing player's man parts for the second straight week, he appeared to do more than simply conduct himself in an unsportsmanlike manner, violating the First Commandment of Man Law.
Namely, do not abuse another dude's package.
Package abuse is a crime against humanity. Against the natural order. Against all that is good and right, noble and just. It hurts to suffer; it hurts to watch. (Except tee-ball-to-dad's-groin home videos. Those are always funny). It ought to be prosecuted in The Hague, or at least be subject to a Simon Cowell tongue-lashing.
Instead, we treat it lightly. A fine here, a suspension there. Kid gloves. The result? A silent social epidemic. The kids call it "Roshambo." They've even made a game out of it. A game! Where did it all go wrong? No matter. It's time to take our country back. And Page 2 is here to help.
Because you can't restore innocence without shaming and purging the guilty -- that was McCarthyism's All-American take-home, right? -- we proudly present our Package Abuse Hall of Shame: