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Don't feel bad about overindulging in Page 2's Quotes of the Year this holiday season. They're fat-free and low in calories!
40. "Did he give me diamond handcuffs? No. I had my own handcuffs. His girlfriend worked at a jewelry store and they gave me a deal on the diamonds."
-- Celtics center Shaquille O'Neal, denying involvement with Miami businessman Nevin Shapiro, the mastermind of a Ponzi scheme
Page 2 spin: We don't want to know, Shaq. Really, we don't.
39. "When I fight, I fight for both Britain and Zimbabwe, but I lost my virginity in this country so I feel more British."
-- Heavyweight boxer Dereck Chisora, speaking in London.
Page 2 spin: Understandable, but perhaps she was only interested in you because of the exotic factor of being from Zimbabwe. Ever think of that?
38. "The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is."
-- Florida resident Raymond Stanley Roberts, denying to police that cocaine found in his buttocks belonged to him
Page 2 spin: Hope you've got a good attorney, dude.
37. "You're not following Vince Lombardi here."
-- Minnesota athletic director Joel Maturi, on the firing of Gophers football coach Tim Brewster
Page 2 spin: No kidding. Who was the buffoon who hired that guy in the first place?
36. "I'm a baller. I'll kick your a--."
-- Minnesota-Duluth football player Robert Aurich
Page 2 spin: Sounds like somebody is ready to turn pro!
35. "It's kind of mind-blowing. I had my mom, my aunt and my two cousins in the stands. The first ball went to my mom, the second ball went to my aunt and the next thing you knew, everybody had a ball."
-- Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall, on intercepting four Jay Cutler passes in one game
Page 2 spin: The Redskins subsequently presented Hall with the game ball, but he instead gave it to defensive coordinator Jim Haslett, saying, "I've got enough balls."
34. "If we had to play them tomorrow, I'd go at him every time if we could."
-- Jay Cutler, on DeAngelo Hall, after the game mentioned above
Page 2 spin: Insanity is repeating the same mistake and expecting different results -- although this saying actually applies more to the Cubs than the Bears, if you think about it.
33. "So, you know, if I had to play Jay Cutler every single week, man, I'd be in the Hall of Fame."
-- DeAngelo Hall, in response to Jay Cutler's above comment
Page 2 spin: Game. Set. Match.
32. "It's not like the selection of women is off the charts here."
-- Unnamed Oklahoma City Thunder player
Page 2 spin: Sounds like a perfect market for a Lingerie Football League expansion team!
31. "I've called his shoes concrete boots for about the last month. Those shoes look like they are made for the Hudson River."
-- Lakers coach Phil Jackson, on Ron Artest's footwear by Chinese company Peak Shoes
Page 2 spin: One would think a Zen master would make a more culturally specific reference, such as, "Those shoes look like they are made for the Yangtze River." Come on, Phil.
30. "I take this [expletive] serious. Real serious. I put my heart and soul into this [expletive] every single week."
-- Cardinals quarterback Derek Anderson, after a 27-6 loss to the 49ers
Page 2 spin: Of course he takes this [expletive] serious. That's why he's fast approaching Jeff Blake, Boomer Esiason and Gary Hogeboom on the Cardinals' career passing yardage list. Watch your back, Timm Rosenbach.
29. "It's a double rainbow all the way. ... What does it mean?"
-- Paul "Hungry Bear" Vasquez
Page 2 spin: It means you've probably been hanging around with Nate Bozung and Michael Beasley.
28. "If you are talking about guards, I would say he has got to be in the top 10."
-- Michael Jordan, on Kobe Bryant
Page 2 spin: Can you say passive-aggressive?
27. "It's like being forced to eat a doo-doo sandwich."
-- Walker Stapleton, Republican candidate for Colorado state treasurer, on why he didn't reveal a 1999 DUI sentence
Page 2 spin: Coincidentally, this is also the unofficial slogan of the 2010 Denver Broncos.
26. "What the [expletive]? Who ordered this crap? I wouldn't feed this to my dog!"
-- Then-Vikings wide receiver Randy Moss, on a catered post-practice meal served at Minnesota's team facility
Page 2 spin: Frankly, this type of outburst shouldn't be tolerated from someone who calls himself a professional. Unless they were serving doo-doo sandwiches. In that case, it's totally understandable.
25. "He's seen me grow as a person; he's seen me grow as a hitter."
-- Cardinals hitting coach Mark McGwire, on manager Tony La Russa
Page 2 spin: Delivered without a hint of irony.
24. "We do not play the Little Sisters of the Poor."
-- Ohio State president E. Gordon Gee, ripping the schedules of programs such as TCU and Boise State
Page 2 spin: Considering that the Buckeyes played Marshall, Ohio and Eastern Michigan this season, playing the Little Sisters of the Poor probably would've boosted Ohio State's strength of schedule.
23. "Those were the best seven or eight months of my life. We were the Beatles up there."
-- Nuggets forward Carmelo Anthony, on his
academic athletic career at Syracuse University
Page 2 spin: OK, we'll play along. Carmelo was John, Hakim Warrick was Paul, Kueth Duany was George, Gerry McNamara definitely was Ringo, and the Kansas Jayhawks were Herman's Hermits.
22. "I just worked out."
-- Texans linebacker Brian Cushing, on what he did while serving a four-game suspension for violating the NFL's policy on performance-enhancing substances.
Page 2 spin: On the surface, this quote isn't humorous. But considering Cushing claimed that overtraining caused him to falsely test positive for a fertility drug, we find it absolutely hilarious.
21. "I'm proud of my players for doing that. This was the best team building exercise we have ever done."
-- Texas A&M-Commerce football coach Guy Morriss, on his players stealing every copy of the school paper because it contained an article about teammates getting arrested on drug charges
Page 2 spin: We can picture the cover of the recruiting guide now: "Texas A&M-Commerce Football -- We won't necessarily keep you out of trouble, but we'll do our best to cover it up."
Thomas Neumann is an editor for Page 2.
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