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Monday, January 31, 2011
Weather or not, let the party begin!

By Ben Rogers and Jeff "Skin" Wade
ESPNDallas.com

The Give and Go is Ben and Skin's weekly back and forth on anything from the world of sports that they feel compelled to carry on about. The word waterfalls cascading through this cyberspace are the absurd products of Ben and Skin, and only Ben and Skin. The ideas expressed in this "column" in no way represent the thoughts of anyone else even remotely related to ESPN Dallas. In fact, ESPN Dallas has no idea what to make of any of this. So uhh, oh yeah, you can hear the aural version of this insanity every weekday from 9 a.m. to noon on 103.3 FM ESPN. Here come the Internet, sucka:

The Metroplex takes center stage

Ben: As a lifelong Dallasite, I'm excited that the Metroplex will finally be able to show the world that it has more to offer than the misleading hillbilly-rific images of a cow eating a cactus in an empty field that Fox uses to return from commercial breaks at least once every Dallas Cowboys home game. Jerry likes to do it big round these parts, people. Anyone with a game ticket who doubts that will soon have their little twin engine Cessna square in the scope of Jerry's planet-destroying superlaser of football fury -- The Death Star. All hail JerryWorld, suckas.

Charlie Sheen
What?!?! He's coming?!?! Quick, put out an APB, the Metroplex needs more dancing girls.
Skin: I hear that cow is hosting the Fox Super Bowl party. But as we all know, the Super Bowl is not about a game. It's the scene baby, and this is a chance for some big-time Metroplex shine. I'm sure visitors will be wowed by our Chili's-per-square-mile ratio. The strangest pre-Super Bowl scuttlebutt was no doubt the worries that there was a shortage of exotic dancers for the numerous gentlemen's club establishments in our sprawling region. Best I can tell that panic started in anticipation of the arrival of Charlie Sheen.

Ben: You hate it so much here in Happy Suburbia, America -- where all of the dreams your parents and I want for you are coming true. Yet, even with that geographical sadness coursing through your veins, you refuse to leave. Isn't there something wrong with that? I mean, if you know it's going to rain, but you leave your umbrella at home on purpose so you can go on a long rant about how corporate the rain is while you stand in the pouring rain wearing a black beret, isn't part of that on you and your hat choice? BTW, remind me again, what is keeping you from pursuing your ultimate dream of being a poor, undiscovered cowbell musician in the least known part of Spanish Harlem? Give me Texas-sized V-8s, high school football empires, strip malls, JerryWorld, the Awesome Blossom and the chance to party with one of Martin Sheen's kids at Hotel ZaZa over your terrible dreams of waiting tables on the side in poverty while pursuing an unlikely tiny subculture legend ascension for having great taste in obscure T-shirts. Order me an Old Timer with cheese, good buddy. I'll be there in 10 minutes.

Skin: I'd never leave Dallas. It's too easy to live easy here. And I definitely prefer easy to artsy. It's the byproduct of having a television listed as one of the three parents on your birth certificate. The reason there are so many Old Timers being ordered is because 1 out of every 3 people here are doing well enough to franchise a Chili's. Sure I crave diversity, but I don't have that urban scratch. I'll settle for braggin' that the strip malls that are a stone's thow from my Allen crib have more unique chain restaurants than the ones in McKinney.

Super Bowl parties

Skin: I thought our affiliation with ESPN was going to get us into all the big-time parties, but I'm afraid that's not going to work out for us. I asked the station promo folks to give me an itinerary to all the bashes we'd have access to, and the only thing they came up with was a brunch the morning after the Super Bowl hosted by those two dudes in Black Eyed Peas that nobody knows who they are. There was also supposed to be a special appearance by PJ Soles. Doesn't sound promising.

Taboo/aple.de.ap
I've got a feeling, that this brunch is gonna be a bad brunch. That this brunch is gonna be a bad, bad, brunch.
Ben: With roughly a 6-week-old at home -- as well as two others kiddos under the age of six -- my wife would stare laser beam daggers of death into my eyeballs if I told her I was going to a party of any kind. She's still mad at me for not renting our house out to some out-of-town mark for $10K. For that reason, I've reached out to Pete Delkus to see if he would be interested in renting out our house to throw a celebrity meteorologist party. It's really just an elaborate setup for me to ambush them all and make them pay for what they've done to Jerry's climate this week. There is no excuse for the type of weather they're all forcing on us this week. But I guess if you're going to steal the spotlight, this is the week to win the weather coverage championship.

Skin: I like to call this All-Star weekend weather. When the NBA came to town to celebrate all the Staples and Mattress Giants within walking distance of one another last year, it frickin' snowed. For an extra billion, we probably could have had JerryWorld cover the entire Metroplex. He could just put the sun on the JumboJerryTron, and nobody would've known the difference. We all would be living that Truman Show dream we're already all living.

Ben: Which Jim Carrey movie is Rick Carlisle living? His postgame press conference demeanor leads me to believe his personal Jim Carrey existence is called Eternal Spotlight on the Joyless Grind. By the way, is there any way you can pull some strings and get me into that Bob Ortegal/Rob Schneider/Dale Hellestrae party at the old Richardson Square Mall? Ah, never mind. It's too cold outside to do anything more than sit by a fire and tell our kids elaborate stories about how Pete Delkus makes the weather with his glorious hair.

What is Dr. Roethlisberger teaching us all?

Ben R.
Roethlisberger
Ogre
Ogre
Ben: First and foremost, I'm learning that having a smart quarterback might be more of a luxury than a necessity. Seriously. No one in the league resembles Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds more than Big Ben. When he's not jumping over danger on illegal motorcycles or being suspended within an inch of his career for implausibly terrible decision-making, he collects Super Bowl trophies like Nicolas Cage collects terrible roles.

Alley
Ain't no party like a Kirstie Alley party, cuz a Kirstie Alley party don't stop ....
Skin: How can a guy be so clutch on the field, yet such a disaster in small college towns that he didn't even got to school in? I'm actually not sure if I'm speaking bout Big Ben or Ogre. I do know I'm a few weeks away from locking in on Ted McGinley's hair in Nerds. But I give Big Ben his due. How can you not? He's got a chance to join the Troy Aikman club. But I also think if Peyton Manning was on that team, they'd dominate like Lamar with a javelin.

Ben: Didn't you write your UNT film school dissertation on how different Top Gun would've been if the character Maverick was replaced by the character Lamar? Or was that me? I keep getting us confused. Regardless, that volleyball scene wouldn't have changed much. Hey, how many beer cans do you think Roethlisberger had to crush on his forehead to get to this point in his career? There might be a nice 30 For 30 there. If you somehow talk your way into that Kirstie Alley/Hulk Hogan/Coach Joe party at Bennigan's and bump into any network bigwigs, you should pitch that concept.

Skin: I'm actually doing a 30 For 30 about that famous weekend that Colin Cowherd didn't talk to Lane Kiffin. It should play well in all the big markets. Let's all hold a good thought for the DFW Metroplex and use the power of positive thinking to come through this weather-plagued SuperBowl week like champs. If it goes off without a hitch, then I foresee a future in which the biggest weekend in the sports world rotates every other year between JerryWorld and the new HS football field being built in Allen. Big town, big dreams, big strip malls.

Listen to Ben Rogers and Jeff "Skin" Wade weekdays from 9 a.m. to noon on ESPN 103.3 FM.