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Thursday, February 24, 2011
Updated: February 28, 7:50 AM ET
Celebrate good goals (come on!)

You don't have to be a soccer fan to appreciate the game-winning, must-be-seen-to-be-believed bicycle-kick goal scored by Manchester United's Wayne Rooney last week against Man U's local rival, Manchester City. (Put on earmuffs when you watch the replay, or you'll have a headache for three days.) You don't even need "SportsCenter" to rank the goal for you within the pantheon of all-time great plays ... it made our local news.

Rooney's goal was astounding (put your ear muffs back on and cue me singing Bette Midler's Did you ever know that you're my heeeeero &), but his celebration was relatively tame. So I've been thinking to myself, "My goodness, if I had scored a goal like that (miracles never cease), what in the world would I have done to celebrate it? It's hard enough just to score in soccer. So how would I have given that kind of goal its proper due?" Well, I am glad I asked ...

If it weren't for my sweet love handles, I might have pulled a Brandi. But that would require me to curb my donut addiction, and I am just unwilling to go there.

If I had any hops, I would have leapt over a tall building (or maybe a car), Blake Griffin-style. But I can barely get over a curb.

If I had Shrek's ogre-ian capabilities, I would have let out a celebratory roar that would have stripped the hair off the opponents. But I don't.

If I had just come back from having a baby, a la Joy Fawcett, I would have pulled a FC Stjarnan from Iceland (this is a must see). But my cute monsters are already 4 and 2.

If I could control the audio in the stadium, I would have cued the music and played lead conductor to some Chariots of Fire-type of inspirational, sappy score. But I am not Shaq.

If it was just an average bicycle-kick goal (is there such a thing?), I could have done the human bicycle like my favorite lads in Iceland (yes, this is all just a ploy to gush about these men after my own heart). But Rooney's was no average bike.

No, no, no. Besides, all of this has been done before. A goal of this magnitude, given the game (a huge derby), the situation (it was tied 1-1 when he scored) and the Rooney criticism (on and off the field), required something fresh. Something dramatic. So, after much thought, I have decided that the only fitting celebration would have been for Rooney to walk straight off the field into the locker room and not return. Thank you very much. Game over. They really should have just stopped the game right there. (I'd bet even my Manchester City friends would agree.)

In fact, I don't think I would have ever played again after a goal like that. I would have retired and traded in my cars for bikes, and if memories of that iconic moment ever began to fade I would have ridden my bike around town every day, waving at passers-by, maybe even wearing a cape.

Oh, yes. That would have been perfectly fitting.

Too bad Wayne Rooney did not consult with me before scoring this goal of a lifetime. Maybe next bike he will know better.