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Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Party of Five gets behind Jack McKeon

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Welcome to another edition of Page 2's Party of Five, where five writers tackle five questions that the world needs answered right now.

(Or later, depending on how much time you have to kill.)

Today, we'll discuss Jack McKeon's return, Rory McIlroy's impact, Venus Williams' fashion choices, the NBA draft and the Stanley Cup making a stop in Vancouver.

1. The Florida Marlins brought back 80-year-old Jack McKeon to take over as manager after Edwin Rodriguez quit before Sunday's game. What are the best- and worst-case scenarios for his return?

Vincent Thomas: He said: "I'll probably coach until I'm 95." That's by far the worst-case scenario. Best case, he becomes some kind of South Florida retirement community star, Cialis notices and we get some questionable ads in Sun Life Stadium.

Jemele Hill: McKeon gets to collect Social Security and a handsome manager's salary. That's double-winning. Worst case: Him trying to hit on his players' grandmothers.

Paul Lukas: Joe Paterno applies for the job next year after McKeon steps down. You can decide whether that qualifies as best or worst.

Patrick Dorsey: Best case: McKeon & Co. repeat what they did the last time he took over in-season, rallying from below .500 to win a World Series title. Worst: I'd make some joke about McKeon wandering the field looking lost, but really that would just fit him in with the rest of the Marlins right now.

Jim Caple: Best case: Insert favorite Jamie Moyer reference here.

Worst case: This inspires the McCourts to re-hire Tommy Lasorda.

2. Rory McIlroy destroyed the U.S. Open field, winning his first major at 22 after his debacle at the Masters. What will be his biggest impact?

Hill: Resurrecting Tiger Woods, who I'm sure loves the fact he's being massively eulogized.

Lukas: Giant, 1970s-style belt buckles make a comeback.

Dorsey: Inspired by his fellow Briton, Wayne Rooney will return to his hair clinic and say, "Gimme the Rory."

Thomas: PGA telecasts using Northern Ireland's own Van Morrison music for bed music -- even if they have no relevant sports hook. We're talking Rory montages backed by "Brown Eyed Girl" or "Gloria."

Caple: I just pray his old man isn't as big a blowhard as Earl Woods was and blather on about how Rory is going to change the world and how "The world will be a better place to live in by virtue of his existence.'' On the other hand, if his victory means we get to hear more Van Morrison, maybe it will be a better world.

3. Wimbledon's return means one thing: Venus Williams' newest controversial outfit. What do we think of this year's initial effort?

Thomas: Did she cop that at Fashion Bug? The thing is, I'd probably like it on Serena.

Lukas: I can never remember -- is the plural of diva "divas" or "divae"?

Caple: I would hate to see 50-year-old fans wearing the replica outfit.

Hill: Compared to what Lady Gaga wears, this is khakis and a polo.

Dorsey: At least it wasn't being worn by Jack McKeon.

4. What will be the biggest surprise at Thursday's NBA draft?

Thomas: If they don't rename it the NBA D-League draft. Wretched talent pool. An even bigger surprise will be if enough suitably talented players are picked to actually comprise a 2012 All-Rookie squad.

Hill: If anyone watches after Jimmer Fredette is selected (assuming he's selected in the middle of the first round).

Lukas: Jack McKeon chosen in the second round by the Heat. "He's already here in town, and he hasn't lost a thing," says Pat Riley.

Dorsey: Blazers owner Paul Allen is stunned to learn that fired GM Rich Cho -- now with the Bobcats -- isn't running his team's draft, as Kevin Pritchard did last year after being dismissed. Flustered and with the clock expiring on the 21st pick, Allen scribbles down the only name that comes to mind: Sam Bowie.

Caple: Jimmer Fredette shows up in one of Venus' outfits.

5. Boston's Milan Lucic, a Vancouver native, says he will take the Stanley Cup back to his hometown this summer. How excited will the locals be?

Lukas: Does tear gas leave a tarnish on silver?

Hill: If he leaves that Cup unattended, it's going to be melted down into a bong.

Thomas: How often do you get the chance to plot -- no matter how unlikely or farfetched -- the desecration of the symbol of recent citywide heartache? This moment, there's some lout beside himself with excitement, conjuring the idea of relieving himself on or in the Cup.

Dorsey: The locals might be upset, but the Cup will appreciate Canada's publicly funded health care.

Caple: I think you're all taking easy, cheap shots at a great city and a city I hold dear. Don't be such insulting haters. Vancouverites will not urinate on the Cup, they will not melt it down and use it as a bong. I do hope, however, they fill it with water and use it in the bucket brigade to put out all the burning cars still on fire.

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