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Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Party of Five politely carries your bags

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Party of 5

Welcome to another edition of Page 2's Party of Five, where five writers tackle five questions that the world needs answered right now.

(Or later, depending on how much time you have to kill.)

Today, we'll discuss Steve Williams, Real Madrid's 7-year-old prospect, baseball's pressing issues, LeBron James' Twitter support of Tim Tebow, and the Yankees-Red Sox series.

1. Is caddie Steve Williams justified in saying, "I've been caddying for 33 years and I've never had a bigger win?" Didn't Tiger earn him a pretty nice living over the years?

Patrick Dorsey: Oh, Stevie was living large. Sometimes at Perkins, Tiger even let him order a soft drink. No refills, though, unless they were free.

Vincent Thomas: Dude's estimated net worth is about $20 million. So, Tiger definitely made him hot. But, still, this is absolutely justified. I'm a fan of veiled shots and vindictive verbal jabs. He could've went at Tiger harder, though. He once refused to call Phil Mickelson a great player and lobbed a verbal jab his way, so Stevie could take the hits up a few more notches when he wants to.

Jim Caple: As usual, I'm confused with this "I've never had a bigger win'' claim. I thought Adam Scott won and that Steve Williams was just the guy who carries around a set of golf clubs because he isn't good enough to actually play.

Michael Philbrick: This wasn't about money, this was about Steve using proper golf world etiquette (you know, small claps and hushed tones). If we put this quote through some sort of "Jersey Shore" translator, it would come out as, "Hey Tiger, I got your [INSERT 20-SECOND BEEP] right here."

DJ Gallo: What Steve Williams doesn't seem to understand is that he is little more than a bellhop at a nice hotel. He thinks he's important because of his outfit, but he forgets that Tiger Woods easily could have carried his bags to his room by himself. Tiger just let him tag along to be nice and because it's polite to give bellhops tips. I'm sorry, Mr. Williams, but just because you can carry luggage and point out where the minibar is or explain how to turn the TV on, it doesn't make you special. Tiger easily could have figured all that out himself. Now take your crumpled $5 bill, go away and don't disturb him again.


2. Real Madrid signed a 7-year-old Argentine prospect. Ridiculous? Or shrewd?

Dorsey: If it works, shrewd. If it fails, sad, since he'll probably end up on that MTV Spain show "16 and Transferred."

Thomas: Ridiculously preposterous. But who cares? All I know is that no child prodigy can get with the brilliant Young Cash Flow out of "Pretty Boy" Floyd "Money" Mayweather's camp.

Caple: If this trend continues, we will have to pass some laws prohibiting agent Scott Boras from loitering in maternity wards.

Philbrick: It's a can't-lose if they're paying him only in orange slices. Sorry, that might not be nutritious enough for today's soccer moms. I meant glacier water and warm feelings of encouragement.

Gallo: It's a good age to find a future soccer star. Think of all the times you've seen a kid at the mall or in a supermarket fall to the ground and throw a tantrum over the littlest thing. Here we think that kid is a spoiled brat. But in soccer countries, they see that child's true potential as a future yellow card-drawing machine.


3. Which is a bigger threat to the sanctity of baseball: poker games or deer-antler spray?

Dorsey: Poker. There's nothing wrong with the spray. It's made with bits of real panther deer antler, so you know it's good.

Thomas: I'm so sick of even the very notion of baseball sanctity. The sport is way too pious. That's why it's a bore. If putting parts of Bambi under an athlete's tongue helps him build muscle and lose weight, I say rock with it.

Caple: I don't know that either is bad, but this does explain why Rob Deer's head has been rubbed absolutely raw.

Philbrick: I don't really care as long as this knocks dogs off their lofty perch and inspires a series of paintings depicting deer playing poker.

Gallo: I don't know. But I hear A-Rod's tell is taking PEDs whenever he has anything better than a pair.


4. How appreciative do you think Tim Tebow was for LeBron James' Twitter support?

Dorsey: Very. In fact, I heard Tebow invited LeBron to be his guest at Broncos games, Broncos practices, Broncos team bus trips, family bus trips, family barbecues, family Monopoly nights, post-Monopoly cleanup nights and bug zapper watch parties ... all of which LeBron accepted, since he won't be doing anything else for the next year or so.

Thomas: Not enough. He didn't even hit Bron with a "'preciate that" tweet. He should trademark that phrase, by the way.

Caple: Good for LeBron. Way to support another athlete in the crosshairs. And I also wish I was competing against LeBron in a fantasy league.

Philbrick: Well, we all know T-Squared is partial to people who go by the King moniker. So that leaves Jesus, Elvis, Michael Jackson and LeBron. Since King James is the only one on Twitter right now, I'm sure he'll take it.

Gallo: Very. Anytime you can get someone as famous and talented as LeBron James on your side, you want it. Unless you are trying to win an NBA title, of course.


5. The Red Sox took two of three games from the Yankees over the weekend, and improved to 10-2 this season against their hated rivals. Are the Yankees simply playing for a wild card at this point?

Dorsey: No way. They're also playing to impress free-agent-to-be Prince Fielder, so they can team him with CC Sabathia and form the "Corned Beef Hash Brothers."

Thomas: Poker games and Red Sox rivalry aside, things are still very much gravy in the South Bronx. But what about a couple of years from now, when the Yanks are still paying GNP kind of dough to a crew of octogenarians who need canes to walk the basepaths?

Caple: Wait. Wild card? Do you mean to tell me there are other teams in baseball besides the Red Sox and Yankees?

Philbrick: They're playing for the wild card on purpose. They could be up five games if they wanted to, but they thought it would be really embarrassing to have so many home games since their stadium might fall down.

Gallo: $200 million doesn't buy what it used to. Really. The dollar is not doing so well. The international finance community considers it the Derek Jeter of currencies.

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