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Thursday, March 29, 2012
Cats, Cardinals fans sharing the hate

By DJ Gallo
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Page 2 Kentucky Fans DGBC
If Kentucky fans had their way, Louisville fans would drop off the planet. And vice versa.

Louisville and Kentucky are set to bring their heated rivalry to a national semifinal game for the first time.

It is exciting to watch two historic programs go head-to-head with a shot at the national title on the line. But it is both exciting and fun to view the game through the hate-tinted lenses of the fans who loathe the other side with every fiber of their beings.

Here is an attempt to find that perspective.

Class of Head Coaches

John Calipari, Rick Pitino
"Your fans hate me!" "And YOUR fans hate ME!"

John Calipari is one of the worst people in sports. He is a man with no loyalty. Look at his career history. He has jumped from job to job for 30 years. Calipari has also has been closely associated with numerous and very public lapses in ethics (see: vacated UMass and Memphis Final Four appearances). Plus, it's hard to even make the case that he is a good basketball coach. If Calipari is such a basketball genius, explain why he was an unmitigated disaster as an NBA coach? He simply couldn't cut it at the highest level. And don't try to talk about all his charity work. That's all for show to keep the stupid Kentucky masses on his side.

Rick Pitino is one of the worst people in sports. He is a man with no loyalty. Look at his career history. He has jumped from job to job for 40 years. Pitino has also been associated with a very public ethical lapse (see: Karen Sypher case). Plus, it's hard to even make the case that he is a good basketball coach. If Pitino is such a basketball genius, explain why he was an unmitigated disaster as an NBA coach? He simply couldn't cut it at the highest level. And don't try to talk about his charity work. That's all for show to keep the stupid Louisville masses on his side.

Quality of Universities

Kentucky is the sole reason many outsiders look down on the state's educational system. Kentucky is ranked 124th -- 124th! -- among national universities by U.S. News & World Report -- and that's if you even believe those rankings; UK probably deserves to be much lower. Here are actual majors that Kentucky offers: Integrated Strategic Communication, Interior Design, Hospitality Management and Tourism, Landscape Architecture, Topical Studies. What a joke. Here's a proposed class for Topical Studies: Why Would Anyone Go to Kentucky Instead of a Real School Like Louisville 101?

Louisville
"This is where UL teaches 2 + 2." --Kentucky fan

Louisville is the sole reason many outsiders look down on the state's educational system. Louisville is ranked 164th -- 164th! -- among national universities by U.S. News & World Report -- and that's if you even believe those rankings; UL probably deserves to be much lower. Here are actual majors that Louisville offers: Dental Hygiene, Exercise Science, Paralegal Studies, Sport Administration, Workforce Leadership. Here's a proposed class for Workforce Leadership: Not Hiring Someone So Dumb They Chose to Go to Louisville Instead of Kentucky 101.

Location of Schools

Kentucky fans think they are better than Louisville fans because they live in the country. As though living in the country makes them more real or somehow allows them to better understand how the world works. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, if there were fewer people in the world like Kentucky fans, many of the world's problems would go away.

Louisville fans think they are better than Kentucky fans because they live in the city. As though living in the city makes them more real or somehow allows them to better understand how the world works. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, if there were fewer people in the world like Louisville fans, many of the world's problems would go away.

Production of Student-Athletes

Kentucky wins on the backs of players who have no intention of staying for four years or taking the student-athlete life seriously. The Wildcats would not be able to win at all if not for recruiting players who leave early, such as John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins.

Louisville wins on the back of players who have no intention of staying for four years or taking the student-athlete life seriously. The Cardinals would not be able to win at all if not for recruiting players who leave early, such as Samardo Samuels and Terrence Jennings.

Tattoos of Fans

Kentucky fans think this looks good. Morons.

Louisville fans think this looks good. Morons.

Louisville Mascot
Fierce, yeah, but still hopeless against a cat.

Lameness of Mascot

Kentucky's overgrown house cat is soooo intimidating.
Louisville's song bird is soooo intimidating.

Treatment of Old People

Kentucky fans are such awful people that one Wildcats devotee provoked an ill and no doubt innocent Louisville patient who was at a dialysis center for treatment to the point of attack! Someone could have been seriously injured or killed! It gets no lower than that.

Louisville fans are such awful people that one Cardinals devotee punched an ill and no doubt innocent Kentucky patient who was at a dialysis center for treatment. Someone could have been seriously injured or killed! It gets no lower than that.

Smugness of Fan Bases

Kentucky fans are so smug that they there is already a Facebook page set up for the NCAA title celebration planned at the corner of Woodland and Euclid in Lexington for Monday night. And in anticipation of civil unrest following Saturday night's game, Lexington officials have announced that they are closing streets -- but the local media is calling the possible riots "celebrations." Some Kentucky fans are so smug, they say winning championships isn't even "fun" anymore because they "expect it." Idiots.

Louisville fans are so smug that the mayor of the city actually wanted to have a public rally for the team before the Final Four. And many Louisville fans try to be proud of a program that has won two national championships while playing in the same state as a program that has seven national championships; losing to Kentucky is so routine, they should expect it. Idiots.

Anthony Davis
"Why must I answer to you for my little mustache?"

Hair of the Face

Kentucky center Anthony Davis' facial hair looks ridiculous.

Louisville guard Peyton Siva's facial hair looks ridiculous.

Good luck. May this guide help you watch this game as it should viewed: with irrational hate in your heart.

DJ Gallo is the founder of SportsPickle.com. He has written a book and written for Comedy Central, The Onion and ESPN The Magazine. You can follow him on Twitter at @DJGalloESPN.

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