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Wednesday, November 14, 2012
No shelter for Cats, Vols and Tigers

By Conor Nevins

WEEK: Preseason | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | BYE | 11 | 12 | 13

The Bottom 10 inspirational thoughts of the week:

"You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well, you just might find
You get what you need"

-- Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, The Rolling Stones

Not every team in the SEC can have moves like Jagger.

For every championship contender, there's a team left to eke out a living in the league's trash heap. There's just not enough glory and grandeur to go around.

Auburn, Tennessee and Kentucky know the feeling. Each team needs a league win in the worst way.

Heck, they'd take any win at this point.

Perhaps what they might want most of all is mercy, mercy from the blowouts, the shutouts and being the butt of the league's jokes. It's hard being a punching bag in a league that hits so hard.

Joker Phillips won't return as head coach next season. Derek Dooley's and Gene Chizik's days may be numbered as well, which is all the more shocking considering the latter is less than two years removed from winning a national championship.

But that's life in a league where longevity is a luxury few can afford, and you can't rely on past successes to keep fans happy and entertained.

The Rolling Stones have no such problem. Jagger, Richards and Co. are set to embark on a 50th anniversary tour, relying on a catalog of hits that will be sure to sell out arenas and keep their fans happy and coming back for more.

The Stones played their first gig in 1962. Ten years prior, Auburn endured its first winless SEC season. It's not the kind of anniversary folks want to commemorate on the Plains.

"You can't get away from that number," Richards told The New York Times.

Neither can Kentucky, Auburn or Tennessee, who can't escape their combined 0-20 in SEC play, earning them this week's coveted No. 5 spot.

The Bottom 10 has sympathy for the Wildcats, Tigers, Vols and all of its creatures. They're beasts of burden, every one of them, and time is most certainly not on their side with only two weeks remaining.

You'd have to have a heart of stone not to smile at UMass' win over Akron last week, giving the Minutemen their first win as a FBS member. It leaves Southern Miss as the Bottom 10's undisputed champion (and only remaining winless FBS team).

The Golden Eagles will have to find satisfaction with that distinction, because they can't get it anywhere else.

UTEP visits the Golden Eagles in the Pillow Fight of the Week.

With apologies to Steve Harvey and the Rolling Stones, here is this week's Bottom 10:'s Bottom 10
1. Southern Miss 0-10 "Shattered": Look at poor Southern Miss -- it's in tatters. The only thing that stands between the Golden Eagles and their first winless season since 1925 is UTEP and Memphis. OK, so not much.
2. Akron 1-10 "Get Off Of My Cloud": UMass was on cloud nine after picking up its first FBS win. Unfortunately for Akron, the Minutemen kicked off the Zips to get there.
3. Colorado 1-9 "Sympathy For The Devil": Don't be puzzled by the nature of Colorado's game. No team allows more points than the Buffaloes. So much for some courtesy, some sympathy and some taste. Opposing teams aren't showing any.
4. New Mexico State 1-9 "The Last Time": Aug. 30th. That's the last time New Mexico State won a game, beating Sacramento State, which went on to beat Colorado the following week. With that in mind, the Bottom 10 couldn't put the Aggies ahead of the Buffs.
5. Auburn/Tennessee/Kentucky 0-20 in SEC play "Gimme Shelter": UK, UT and Auburn are fading fast, and there's nowhere to hide for Joker Phillips, Derek Dooley and Gene Chizik. The Vols aim for their first SEC win against Vanderbilt; the Wildcats and Tigers can at least get a win in the books with games against FCS opponents.
6. Idaho 1-9 "Start Me Up": Idaho forgot to get started against BYU. The Cougars scored touchdowns on five of their first six drives, including a TD on one of the Vandals' possessions to build a 42-7 halftime lead. It was enough to make a grown man cry.
7. Hawaii 1-8 "Wild Horses": Hawaii may ride wild horses one day, but the Warriors were kicked around by some Broncos in a 49-14 loss to Boise State.
8. Eastern Michigan 1-9 "Beast Of Burden": It's a pity the Eagles don't face the Zips to ensure at least one MAC team doesn't finish winless in the league. EMU's best performances this season have come against in-state competition, so watch out, Western Michigan.
9. Kansas 1-9 "Can't You Hear Me Knocking?": You can't say Kansas isn't knocking on the door. The Jayhawks' 20-game losing streak to BCS opponents still stands, but at least recent results have been more encouraging.
10. Washington State 2-8 "Under My Thumb": The Bottom 10 can't quite put its finger on all that's gone wrong in Pullman this season, but it's certainly not what Cougars fans hoped for when Mike Leach took over.

Waiting list: Boston College (2-8); Coaching anger management; Illinois (2-8); Louisville's Orange crush; South Alabama (2-8); Tulane (2-8); UNLV (2-9); UTEP (2-8); West Virginia's free fall.

Conor Nevins is a college football editor for