Monday, November 26, 2012
It is resolved
By Jay Cronley
Special to ESPN.com
It's that time of the year.
Here are some December resolutions.
I resolve not to:
Make a $50 or larger win bet on a cheap claimer, a cheap claimer being one going for $10,000 or less.
Listen to imbeciles.
Attend a critically acclaimed movie during the fall Academy Award season. Critics write for other critics, not the people. It's why regular people come out of films like Lincoln a little sleepy. Critics love anything that will make them seem smarter.
I further resolve not to:
Play late runners for more than $2.
Go to the ATM machine more than once.
Bet what TV pickers like.
Play stalkers on the grass. The money comes from up front or from the back.
Bet more than $2 on a quarter horse.
Break up fights.
Watch "Dexter" or "Nashville" on television. "Dexter" is the one about the happy go lucky homicidal maniac. It was good at first. Then it got popular and it went on too long, well beyond the printed pages on which it was based. Now it's horrific. Dexter's step-sister, a beanpole cop treated in the scripts as a beauty star, knows her hero is a nut case killer and is trying to join the slaying team. So the step-sister kills Dexter in the last frame, The End. "Nashville" is soap slop whose only memorable tune is musical beds.
Eat the fried food from the cook with a ball cap turned backwards.
Bet anything trendy.
Bet anything for value.
Open holiday cards sent online.
Bet the next race because I won the last race.
Let gift cards expire with loose change in the balance.
Keep private too many great secrets, like the way Beyer speed figures are overrated as lone indicators for win bets and are inflated by such things as short fields, off track conditions, and surfaces other than dirt.
Make fun of people who lose great sums of money playing slot machines, as many individuals might be able to afford it, and as this sucker bet is so important to the future of horse racing.
Exaggerate losses to the IRS.
Play favorites when half the field can beat it.
Tip too early.
Close my mind to any horse racing possibility.
Here's a secret worth passing now. What horse player doesn't like great coffee. Well, the Nespresso coffee-cappuccino-latte maker actually works. I have in my basement something of a coffee maker museum, shelf after shelf of failed products, bum milk frothing units galore. The Nespresso coffee maker is a Swiss product and is as good as the army knife. It is pricy, starting at around $200. But the milk frothing container is almost worth the price itself. It is magical. Pour in milk. Punch a button. Presto, out comes perfect froth. The only slight complaint with the espresso-making unit itself is sometimes the coffee isn't quite hot enough for my liking. I enjoy coffee one wince away from scalding.
Pre-heating the cup gets the temperature just about right.
Old year resolutions are easier to keep because they are only a month in length.
Write to Jay at email@example.com.