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Monday, March 4, 2013
Rodman to the rescue

By Rick Reilly
ESPN.com

Dennis Rodman
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and Dennis Rodman watch hoops in Pyongyang on Feb. 28, 2013.

You people are seeing this new friendship between Dennis Rodman and North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un all wrong.

Yes, we are talking about a man who is crazy, dangerous and completely out of touch with reality. But you could also say that of Kim Jong-un.

And yes, Rodman was clearly clueless on the whole point of going to North Korea. He originally hoped he'd meet Mr. Gangnam Style himself, Psy, only to be told he was from the other Korea.

And yes, Rodman appeared on "This Week With George Stephanopoulos" on Sunday and didn't seem to realize that he had played footsie for two days with a murderer, starver and human rights trampler.

"He's a great guy," Rodman said of his new pal. "He's just a great guy if you sit down and talk to him. … Guess what? He's a good guy to me. He's my friend."

And when Stephanopoulos pointed out that Kim's regime tortures its citizens, imprisons hundreds of thousands without trial and starves millions, Rodman retorted, "Well, you know what, dude? Seriously? Guess what? Guess what? What I did, what I did was history."

Guess what? I agree. Don't hate Rodman. Hire him!

Fire John Kerry tomorrow and make Rodman the new secretary of state. Because like it or not, the cross-dressing, Cristal-guzzling, body-piercing Rodman did make history. He became the first American Kim Jong-un is known to have met, much less hugged. And he brought news that Kim wants Obama to "call him."

Imagine that: Dennis Rodman, Peacemaker.

Begin the era of Worm Diplomacy, Mr. Obama. Send Dennis the Menace in to buddy up to all the world's menaces. After all, who better to deal with rogue nations than our nation's rogue? You think he's going to be afraid? This man dated Madonna.

All you have to do is dispatch him to meet with the world's despots, maniacs and terrorists and wait for his informative, detailed reports.

Iran

"OK, I can't even pronounce this dude's name, but he's awesome! Mahmoud Abbajinabob? Whatever, I love him! I kid with him, though. I keep tellin' him, 'Open your damn eyes! You look like Renee Zellweger! Ha!'

"Seriously, though, everybody's all on his case about building up his arms, but guess what? I think he oughta do more of that! I told him, 'Have you seen my arms? Twenty minutes of curls every day, brother. You could have these!' He was impressed, dude.

"And this whole Axle of Evil thing? How can an axle be evil anyway? That's stupid."

Syria

"Syria is right next to Jordan, right? Well, guess what? I spent three years right next to Jordan and I'm in the damn Hall of Fame. Anyway, my boy Bashar wants Obama to text him."

Cuba

"Man, you don't even know how sweet this Castro dude is. Raul Castro is my vato. Dude hands out some righteous cigars.

"And he told me he was a revolutionary back in the day. Well, so was I! Man, I've been revolting since I was with the Spurs! And I'm supposed to be all upset about what his brother did? Fidel? Please. I have 46 siblings. I ain't responsible for them.

"I think we need a new motto: Raul Is Cool. Back off him. Be friends! Besides, the dude has a sick pool!"

Russia

"Putin. I like saying that name Putin. It's fun.

"People say, oh, Putin spends too much money on defense. Well, guess what? What's wrong with spending money on defense? Jerry Krause spent a lot of money on defense when he got me to Chicago, and all we did was win the fat man three damn world championships!

"Anyway, Putin isn't all bad. He said he helped Sochi win the Olympics, so he's obviously a good father. Maybe Sochi could meet Sasha? Hey, it's a start!"

Dennis Rodman
Ambassador Rodman has a certain ring to it.

Pakistan

"I couldn't ever find this damn place, so I just went to Vegas instead. Sorry."

Venezuela

"I was bummed I didn't get to meet Fernando Venezuela. That woulda been cool. Great looking women, though. Wished I had a photographer with me and you know The Worm hates photographers! LOL!"

China

"This place is big, dude. And yet no P.F. Chang's. LOL!

"No, seriously, a lot of good dudes here. They were so friendly! They wanted me to see the China Cabinet, but I said, 'Dude, my mom made me paint her China cabinet once, so, nah, I'm good.'

"Kind of a weird place, though. They kept saying, 'Hu wants to meet you.'

"And I kept saying, 'I don't know, who?'

"And they kept saying, 'That's why you should meet him.'

"And I said, 'What?'

"And they said "No, Wat is his cousin."

"Anyway, cool people. Good wall builders."

Hamas

"I know Israel and the media and everybody is saying, 'Hamas is bad. Hamas is bad.' But I tried it and it was pretty good, especially with some of their tortillas.

"Anyway, The Worm loves everybody. Period. End of story. Except for Randy Savage. That guy ought to be hung in effigy. Or wherever they can do it."