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Friday, April 12, 2013
Reviewing a crass menagerie

By D'Arcy Maine

Metta World Peace
We already know Metta World Peace is too sexy for his cat. No word yet on where he stands with his shirt or car.

In case you were busy trying to figure out exactly when Brad Paisley and LL Cool J went off the deep end, heres the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.

Your move, PETA

Chicago police are looking for a man who dropped off a goats head for Cubs owner Tom Ricketts. Take a second to let that sentence sink in. On Wednesday afternoon, a presumably angry Cubs fan dropped a package off at Wrigley Field addressed to Ricketts. Security opened the package and found the severed head of a goat. Im going to guess the goat was not a reference to greatest of all time. While no note was left, it seems safe to bet this was alluding to the goat curse that was supposedly placed on the team in 1945. You know the one: A local bar owners goat was denied entrance to a World Series game and the man was so livid he placed a curse on the team. The 1940s sound like a really weird time. On the plus side, at least the Cubs have fans who care enough to come to the stadium. The Marlins would be psyched to have an actual fan come around, even if it was just to drop off an animal head. The moral of the story? If you ever find yourself involved in a curse, make sure it involves candy, delicious food or money.

Elite eight

Just how routine is ANOTHER national title for the UConns womens basketball team? The highway workers have it down pat. A sign celebrating their 2013 title was already up by the time the team got back to campus on Wednesday afternoon, less than 24 hours after their victory in New Orleans.

At least we know this wont be his biggest regret in life

After promising the world that he would get a tattoo to commemorate Louisvilles national championship, mens basketball coach Rick Pitino has made his ink decision. The 60-year-old told CBS News that hell be getting a cardinal with the words 2013 champions on his left shoulder. Yawn. You would think one of his players, with their estimated 9,023 tattoos combined, could have helped come up with something a little more original. But, on the other hand, we should all be relieved its not on his lower back. Or tribal themed.

Spike Albrecht is just like every male college freshman in America

You just lost the national championship, what are you going to do? If youre Spike Albrecht , youre going to tweet at a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Maybe because Disney World is reserved for winners. After having the game of his life on Monday, the Michigan reserve freshman sent Diddys non-girlfriend Kate Upton the following tweet: hey saw you at the game last night, thanks for coming out! Hope to see you again ;) Woah, a winky face? He went there! The momentary celebrity, whod averaged 1.8 points a game this season prior to Monday, shocked the world (and assuredly his teammates) with his 17-point performance in the loss to Louisville. And like every social-media-savvy teenager, he decided to cash in on his 15 minutes by tweeting at a supermodel. Upton has yet to reply. Probably because she gets these kind of tweets 3,298,423 times a day. Were guessing if Spike had found a way to score in the second half and lead Michigan to a win, he might have an easier time getting a response.

Too sexy for resting after surgery

Why did Metta World Peace return to the Lakers just 12 days after undergoing knee surgery? Because hes too sexy for his cat, obviously. After making his return on Tuesday night, World Peace did his best Right Said Fred impression to reporters inquiring about his speedy comeback. Kudos to the reporters for continuing their serious line of questioning despite the absolute ridiculous answers being given.

And while Metta may in fact be too sexy for his cat, it turns out the former Ron Artest thought he was quoting the actual chorus from Im too sexy. Ehh, cat? Shirt? Basically the same thing, right? Right Said Fred do say cat at the end of the song, so hes not totally wrong. Apparently the misinterpretation resulted in a lengthy debate in the Lakers locker room, and rookie center Robert Sacre even sang and danced to the song while wearing a cat wig. I have no idea what a cat wig is, but this has to be the most fun the Lakers have had all season.

Your weekly AWWWW

Legendary Dodgers announcer Vin Scully (aka the male version of Betty White in the adorable senior-citizen category) took the Twitterverse by storm on Wednesday night after reading a Twitter poll during the broadcast: Can I ask you an honest question between you and me? What in the world is hashtag? The 85-year-old then went on to discuss a new television channel he heard was geared exclusively to dogs. This, of course, sparked a, wait for it, #VinScully hashtag to trend on Twitter. If this clip doesnt make you wish he was your grandfather (or at least inspire you to call your own grandfather right now), then you obviously have no soul and hate puppies, babies and butterflies.

Cats win the Internet

Ever wonder what would happen if a cat replaced the ball in major sporting events? No? Well, heres your chance to see what it might look like anyway. Look no further than the Tumblr blog Sports Balls Replaced With Cats. It is exactly what the name suggests. You can thank us later.