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Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Updated: September 26, 11:58 AM ET
Texas, Eminem both out of sorts

By Mark Schlabach

WEEK: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | BYE | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14

The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:

"Guess who's back, back again
Shady's back, tell a friend
Guess who's back,
Guess who's back,
Guess who's back,
Guess who's back,
Guess who's back,
Guess who's back..."

-- "Without Me," Eminem

Guess who's back in the Bottom 10?

Guess who's back?

Guess who's back?

The Texas Longhorns.

About the only person who looked more dazed and confused on TV Saturday night than Marshall Mathers, aka Eminem, was Texas defensive coordinator Manny Diaz. For UT fans, it might have seemed as if BYU ran for eight miles in its 40-21 victory in Provo, Utah. The Cougars ran 72 times for 550 yards, the highest total ever surrendered by a Texas defense.

On Sunday, coach Mack Brown reassigned Diaz and replaced him with former Syracuse coach Greg Robinson. While Mathers' alter ego, Slim Shady, seemed to make an appearance in ESPN's booth at halftime of the Michigan-Notre Dame game, Texas fans can only hope Robinson's alter ego -- bad Michigan defensive coordinator -- doesn't show up in Austin.

With apologies to Steve Harvey and Marshall Mathers III, here's this week's Bottom 10:'s Bottom 10
1. Southern Miss 0-2 "Lose Yourself:" It didn't take long for the Golden Eagles to lose their 14th game in a row, 56-13 at Nebraska, after they threw two pick-sixes in the first quarter. "His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti."
2. Georgia State 0-2 "Not Afraid:" After opening their first season in FBS with losses to FCS foes Samford and Chattanooga, the Panthers are still staring at road trips to West Virginia and Alabama. "I'm not afraid. To take a stand. Everybody. Come take my hand. We'll walk this road together, through the storm."
3. Idaho 0-2 "Lighters:" Only a 33-minute lightning delay slowed down Wyoming in its 42-10 rout of the Vandals. The Cowboys rolled up 564 yards of offense and had seven sacks on defense. "If I was you, I would duck, or get struck like lightning. Fighters keep fighting, put your lighters up, point 'em skyward, uh."
4. UMass 0-2 "Kim:" The Minutemen might be second-guessing their jump from FCS to FBS. They lost to FCS foe Maine 24-14 on Saturday, dropping their record to 1-13 as an FBS program. "Yesterday I changed your diaper. Wiped you and powdered you. How did you get so big? Can't believe it now you're two."
5. Texas 1-1 "My Name Is:" After Diaz was fired one day after the worst defensive performance in school history, the Longhorns were introduced to Robinson on Sunday. He might want to hide his identity given his recent track record. "Hi! My name is … (what?) My name is … (who?) My name is …. Slim Shady."
6. Miami (Ohio) 0-2 "Like Toy Soldiers:" The RedHawks have allowed more than 1,200 yards and 93 points in losses to Marshall and Kentucky. "Step by step, heart to heart, left right left. We all fall down like toy soldiers. Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win."
7. F_U 0-4 "Just Lose It:" The Owls and Panthers have been outscored 146-29 combined during the first two weeks. But help might be on the way for FAU, which plays at South Florida Saturday in the Pillow Fight of the Week. "Now everyone report to the dance floor, alright stop. Pajama time."
8. UNLV 0-2 "Déjà Vu:" After giving up 51 points in the opener at Minnesota, the Rebels were trounced 58-13 by Arizona on Saturday night, allowing 45 points in the first half. "Sometimes I feel so alone. I just don't know. Feels like I been down this road before."
9. Western Kentucky 1-1 "When I'm Gone:" We knew the football gods wouldn't let WKU coach Bobby Petrino go 2-0 against SEC foes. The Hilltoppers turned over the ball five times in six snaps in the first half of a 52-20 loss at Tennessee. "But what happens when karma turns right around and bites you? And everything you stand for turns on you to spite you?"
10. USC 1-1 "Crack a Bottle:" USC fans are calling for coach Lane Kiffin's head after the Trojans passed for only 54 yards in a 10-7 loss to Washington State at the Coliseum on Saturday night. "I'm an itch that they can't scratch, they're sick of me. But, hey, what else can I say? I love L.A."

Waiting list: Arkansas State's fashion faux pas, Buffalo (0-2), Connecticut (0-1), Florida's ball security, Hawaii (0-2), Iowa State (0-1), Memphis (0-1), Michigan State's passing game, New Mexico State (0-2), Old Dominion (0-2), quarterback injuries, San Diego State (0-2), South Carolina's coaches fighting on the sideline, South Florida (0-2), Syracuse (0-2), Temple (0-2), UAB (0-2), Western Michigan (0-2).