Freshen up your golf talk
- Justin Cooper/Icon SMIKevin Na would like you to slow down and take the time to put some new lines into your golf talk game.Your game is awful. You shouldn't even be allowed on the golf course.
Not your golf game. Your golf talk game. It's lamer than your MySpace account.
"We have a face we use for guys like that," a PGA Tour star I know likes to say. "We call it our Wednesday face. Where you have to fake laugh at old lines you've heard a thousand times at pro-ams, that's when you pull out the Wednesday face."
Don't be that guy. Time for some new gloss. Most of these are mine, some are from my derelict friends and some I just flat out stole. Memorize and destroy.
Situation: A guy in your group is slower than osteoporosis.
Situation: Your buddy hits a shot deep into the woods.
Situation: Your opponent's putt is just a little too long to give.
Situation: Your opponent has a three-foot putt to win the match.
Situation: Your buddy is wearing an awful hat.
Situation: You suspect your opponent of cheating.
Situation: Your opponent skulls one into the ladies' tee markers.
Situation: Your buddy takes a huge divot.
Situation: You've looked for five minutes but there's no sign of your opponent's ball.
Situation: Your buddy leaves an eight-foot birdie putt two feet short.
Situation: Your buddy crushes his drive 320.
Situation: Your buddy hits a drive that starts down the middle but then hooks into the trees.
Situation: Guy hits a putt way too hard but it slams the cup and pops in.
Situation: Guy has a terrible swing.
Situation: You make a long putt.
Situation: You hit your drive 50 yards past your opponent.
Situation: You really need this putt to win the match.
Situation: You hit a shot that might not get over the lake.
Situation: Your opponent is talking to your ball while it's in the air.
Situation: Your opponent three-putts from six feet.
Situation: Your friend hits it on the green, but nowhere near the hole.Situation: Your opponent leaves a two-foot putt two inches short.Orion PicturesBill Murray as Carl Spackler in "Caddyshack," which came out 32 years ago.
Situation: You whiff above the ball.
Situation: Your line to the green is blocked by trees.
Situation: You hit your third straight terrible shot.
Situation: Guy takes three to get out of the bunker.
Situation: With all the bets on the line, your opponent hits his drive on 18 out of bounds.
I hope you found these new phrases helpful. And if you happen to be at a PGA Tour event standing at a par-5 tee box next to that man who constantly hollers, "In the hole!" as soon as Tiger Woods hits his drive, will you please take out a Bic pen and stab him in the knee for me?
When he looks at you with dismay, give him the Wednesday face.
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