- Rick Reilly, Columnist, ESPN.com
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Your game is awful. You shouldn't even be allowed on the golf course.
Not your golf game. Your golf talk game. It's lamer than your MySpace account.
Don't you have anything new? You got new grips, new shoes, new clubs, but the same old lines. And enough with the "Caddyshack" references, Carl Spackler. That movie came out in 1980.
"We have a face we use for guys like that," a PGA Tour star I know likes to say. "We call it our Wednesday face. Where you have to fake laugh at old lines you've heard a thousand times at pro-ams, that's when you pull out the Wednesday face."
Don't be that guy. Time for some new gloss. Most of these are mine, some are from my derelict friends and some I just flat out stole. Memorize and destroy.
Situation: A guy in your group is slower than osteoporosis.
Old: Today, please?
New: Hurry up, dude. Kevin Na wants to play through.
Situation: Your buddy hits a shot deep into the woods.
Old: Even if that thing were covered in bacon, Lassie couldn't find it.
New: Even if that thing were covered in butter and sugar, Paula Deen couldn't find it.
Situation: Your opponent's putt is just a little too long to give.
Old: Still some chicken left on that bone.
New: Still need to see the birth certificate, Barack.
Situation: Your opponent has a three-foot putt to win the match.
Old: Miss it, Noonan!
New: Get it close.
Situation: Your buddy is wearing an awful hat.
Old: D'you get a free bowl of soup with that hat?
New: How long did the doctor say you had to wear that?
Situation: You suspect your opponent of cheating.
Old: The pencil is the best wood in your bag.
New: Nice round, Mr. Trump.
Situation: Your opponent skulls one into the ladies' tee markers.
Old: You should sell your clubs.
New: That looked really good right up until you hit it.
Situation: Your buddy takes a huge divot.
Old: Geez, why don't you just get a shovel?
New: Thanks. We were looking for somewhere to bury Secretariat.
Situation: You've looked for five minutes but there's no sign of your opponent's ball.
Old: Tough break.
New: Don't worry about it. Lance Armstrong lost a ball and did great.
Situation: Your buddy leaves an eight-foot birdie putt two feet short.
Old: Never up, never in.
New: Nice lag, Sammy Sosa.
Situation: Your buddy crushes his drive 320.
Old: That dog will hunt!
New: I'm not attracted to men normally, but ...
Situation: Your buddy hits a drive that starts down the middle but then hooks into the trees.
Old: You can talk to a slice but a hook won't listen!
New: That's a Kathleen Turner. It was pretty for a while.
Situation: Guy hits a putt way too hard but it slams the cup and pops in.
Old: Can somebody put the hole back where it was?
New: Ding! Fries are done!
Situation: Guy has a terrible swing.
Old: Don't take that swing out of town. You'll never get parts for it.
New: Hey, Bubba Watson called. He wants his swing back.
Situation: You make a long putt.
Old: That thing went in the hole like a homesick gopher!
New: That's why I buy balls that are allergic to daylight.
Situation: You hit your drive 50 yards past your opponent.
Old: Did you hear they're going to build a Super Wal-Mart around here? Between my ball and yours.
New: Hey, you should take the head cover off your driver before you use it.
Situation: You really need this putt to win the match.
Old: (whispered fervently): Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy.
New: (whispered fervently): Oh, Scotty, Scotty, Scotty, Scotty.
Situation: You hit a shot that might not get over the lake.
New: Grow Jesus sandals!
Situation: Your opponent is talking to your ball while it's in the air.
Old: Keep your mouth off my ball.
New: Take the day off, OK, Jim Nantz?
Situation: Your opponent three-putts from six feet.
Old: That's gotta hurt!
New: Hey, did you know they now have Beta Blockers in the chewable?
Situation: Your friend hits it on the green, but nowhere near the hole.
Old: At least you're on the dance floor.
New: You're on the dance floor, but you can't hear the music.
Situation: Your opponent leaves a two-foot putt two inches short.
Old: Does the husband play?
New: Nice finish, LeBron.
Situation: You whiff above the ball.
Old: That never happened.
New: My home course is higher than this.
Situation: Your line to the green is blocked by trees.
Old: Wish I had a saw in the bag.
New: Where's an Alabama fan when you need one?
Situation: You hit your third straight terrible shot.
New: You know what? I'd quit golf if I weren't married.
Situation: Guy takes three to get out of the bunker.
Old: Nice job, Saddam.
New: That's OK. They'll fill that bunker up with sand again tomorrow.
Situation: With all the bets on the line, your opponent hits his drive on 18 out of bounds.
Old: That thing got out of here quick.
New: That's an Elin. Definitely gonna cost you.
I hope you found these new phrases helpful. And if you happen to be at a PGA Tour event standing at a par-5 tee box next to that man who constantly hollers, "In the hole!" as soon as Tiger Woods hits his drive, will you please take out a Bic pen and stab him in the knee for me?
When he looks at you with dismay, give him the Wednesday face.
Rick Reilly has some new ideas for your banter on the golf course.