I can't decide if the best part of this trip is the fact the house we rented in Costa Mesa, Calif., had a tepee in the backyard or a seven-foot basketball hoop. That tepee made us feel close to Mother Earth. The hoop made us feel taller, bigger and better at basketball. I could almost dunk. My vertical is like two inches because of a ruined ankle. I played a Fred Brown outside game and sort of mailed it in. I think I was 4-for-19 from the floor, but those were all key baskets. The other fools played barefoot, and in the 80 degree sun, they walked away with blisters on their feet.
After that, we decided we should do something even dumber. It was time to prepare for Motorhome Demolition Derby at the Orange County Fair. That alone is pretty stupid. I thought Orange County was for ironing money and getting plastic surgery. What the hell are those people doing staging Motorhome Demolition Derby?
It was a bloodthirsty crowd of rich Orange County people. They demanded violence. And they got it. But not from me. As much as I wanted to smash and be smashed, I couldn't go. Doctor's orders. And I'm nothing but compliant.
The day before the event, we went bodysurfing at Laguna Beach. I remember saying something like "These waves are so lame." Then a really big wave came. Wait. First a shark came. Really. Just a sand shark. They don't bite, right? Anyway, I saw a damn sand shark. I yelled, "Shark!" Then I took the wave. Must have been 60 or 70 feet. It threw me into the sand like a motorhome would have, if motorhomes were amphibious.
Anyway, I stood up, certain I'd broken my neck and suffered a concussion. I was right about the second part. The emergency room doc asked what I was in town for. I told him Motorhome Demolition Derby. We laughed like schoolgirls.
I didn't ride in the ESPN motorhome. I had to think about my long-term motorhome demolition derby career.
But the story didn't end with my scratch. No. It was just beginning. You know who else didn't participate in the motorhome demo derby? Jimmy Kimmel. Neither did Maria Menounos. We asked them both. She sure is pretty.
Someone else drove the ESPN motorhome. I don't want to blow it for you. Watch the story. It's our best story of the six episodes this season. I didn't participate, and it is our best story. That's saying something. No wonder this series is dead.