Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Readers' Yearbook Quotables
By Bill Simmons
Before we get to the best of the reader submissions, last Friday's "Yearbook
Quotes" column included a collosal screw-up -- the name of the kid whose
question inspired the column was Christopher Busk, not Christopher Burk.
Sorry about that, Chris.
Also, because I'm dumb enough to keep using AOL, my mailbox only holds 1000
emails at a time, which explains why so many of you had e-mails bounced back
to you last weekend. I went through about 500 of them last weekend, before
the mailbox filled up again, so that means we sifted through about 1500-1600
quote suggestions for Part Two. Because there were so many quotes and because
many of you suggested the same ones, we're just running the quotes without
mentioning who suggested what - would have been too complicated. Thanks to
everyone who took the time to e-mail something in.
On to Part Two...
"They can talk about me like they want to, but, um, I got my money ... so
matter what you all say, Mike black, but Mike rich!"
"When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, it's a wonder I
can think at all."
"I don't want to be remembered, I want to be forgotten."
"Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."
"What you like about this kid coming straight out of high school is the
upside. Tremendous upside."
Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man! My head's about to explode!
My whole life sucks!! I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing. My dad
just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every
time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAM BRIDGE
--Chris Farley as Tommy Boy
"Get busy living, or get busy dying."
"Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and
have access to my dementia?"
"My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring,
we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and
beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really."
"All I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody's ever gone the distance with
Creed, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I'm
still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I
weren't just another bum from the neighborhood."
"It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock
market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile / When his
shorts aren't too tight in the seat."
"I've been trying to walk the straight and narrow, but even my straight's a
"They hate me because they ain't me!"
"The older you get the more rules they are going to try and get you to
follow. You just gotta keep on livin man! L-I-V-I-N!"
"That's what I love about these high school girls, man... I get older, they
stay the same age."
"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a
career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything
sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair
anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to
"I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum... and I'm all out of bubble
--Rowdy Roddy Piper in "They Live"
"Let's go, man. This place is dead anyway."
--Charles in "Swingers"
"Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever."
"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
"I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... scared"
"When I'm dead, and my activities on Earth have passed, I hope they bury me
upside down so my critics can kiss my ass."
"It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing milk bone underwear."
"The accusation that Pedro Guerrero could finance and underwrite a drug deal
is ludicrous! He doesn't have the acumen or the ability to finance anything
more complicated than lunch."
"Education: the ability to describe a beautiful woman without using your
"I'm the kind of guy who watches the closing credits of 'The Natural' to see
if Glenn Close's son is listed as 'Bastard."
"Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good
thing ever dies. "
"I'll make it"
"Listen: People are always saying, 'Rickey says Rickey.' But it's been blown
way out of proportion. People might catch me, when they know I'm ticked off,
saying, 'Rickey, what the heck are you doing, Rickey?' They say, 'Darn,
Rickey, what are you saying Rickey for? Why don't you just say, 'I?' But I
never did. I always said, 'Rickey,' and it become something for people to
"I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says. I'm not dumb... I'm
smart and I want my respect!"
"I feel bad for those people who don't drink, because when you wake up in the
morning that's as good as you're going to feel all day long"
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while,
you might miss it."
"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian"
"Larry Bird was so good that night, even the Hawks were giving each other
"I'm gonna find me two waitresses here and I'm gonna pull me a Fredo."
--Double Down Trent
"Everybody has a plan until they get hit."
"May the bridges I burn light the way"
"The sun will rise, the sun will set and tomorrow I'll eat lunch"
--Former Red Sox GM Lou Gorman
"Well, all I'm saying is that I want to look back and say that I did it the
best I could while I was stuck in this place. Had as much fun as I could
while I was stuck in this place. Played as hard as I could while I was stuck
in this place. Dogged as many girls as I could while I was stuck in this
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time."
"Things ain't like they say they be, but they do!"
"Maybe the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."
"You're all playin' for second place."
"Half the hoes hate, half them love me. The ones that hate me only hate me
cuz they ain't [expletive] me."
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very
wasteful. How true that is."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
"Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue."
--Lloyd Bridges (Airplane)
"The words you say never live up to the words in your head."
"Did you ever notice that 'what the hell' is always the right decision?"
"It's like this and like that and like this 'n uh, it's like that and like
this and like that 'n uh,
it's like thisssss ... and who gives a (bleep) about those, so just chill to
the next episode."
--Dr. Dre and Snoop
"It's a town full of losers, and I'm pulling out of here to win."
"Using the whole fist, Doc?"
"You define the moment or the moment defines you."
"Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates!"
--West Beverly High, Class of 1993
"I can get a good look at a steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but
I'd rather take the butcher's word for it."
--Big Tom Callahan
"It's not that I'm lazy. It's that I just don't care."
"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in time of great
moral crisis, maintain their neutrality."
"I'm sure there's more to life than being really, really good looking. And I
plan on finding out what that is."
"My God! My God! My God!"
"I wasn't born with enough middle fingers."
"It's sad, but I think it's great to be free. Granted, I could go out and
lose everything (by) gambling and drinking, but there's no sense in denying
it. It's in my blood."
"Hanging around. Hanging around. The kid's got alligator blood. You can't get
rid of him."
"A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night,
and in between he does what he wants to do."
"Today I didn't even have to use my AK, I gotta say it was a good day."
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base."
"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."
"No such thing bad student... only bad teacher."
"Ain't no sense worrying about the things you got control over 'cause if you
got control over 'em, ain't no sense worrying. Ain't no sense worrying about
the things you got no control over 'cause if you got no control over 'em,
ain't no sense worrying."
Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine.