Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Celly-bration time: Who did Horn call?
By Graham Hays
Joe Horn has our attention.
In an otherwise forgettable Sunday night encounter between the Saints and Giants, Horn made headlines by scoring a touchdown and whipping out a hidden cell phone for a brief "conversation." Horn reports the call was to his mom and kids, but we think that's just spin control.
Who was really on the other end of the line? We imagine the call could have gone a little something like this.
Terrell Owens: "Good game today, T.O. Too bad you guys couldn't pull it out, but Marvin really has the Bengals playing well. Yeah, yeah, family is doing well, getting ready for the holidays. Anyway, I was just thinking about that Sharpie thing you did last year. Yeah, that was classic. Hey, you like apples? Turn on ESPN right now, man. Yeah, Sunday Night Football. You got it on? How do you like them apples?"
Bob Stoops: "Hey coach, congratulations on Jason White winning the Heisman and making the Sugar Bowl. Anyway, I know you're busy getting ready for LSU, but we're all still looking forward to showing you around New Orleans when you're in town for the game. You know, give you a sense of the housing, shopping, schools. Just in case you ever get a job offer from down here. Oops, gotta go, I think Jim knows it's you."
Rush Limbaugh: "Hey Rush, megadittos on your comeback. My question for you is I recently renegotiated the terms of my contract with my employer, and I'm wondering if you think there's any chance these bleeding-heart liberals will be able to retroactively repeal any part of Bush's tax cut for the upper-income bracket? I'll hang up and listen to your answer ... unless the Giants go four and out again."
KFNS in St. Louis: "Yeah, hi. Am I on the air? Oh, OK, cool. I'm a first-time caller, long-time listener. I just wanted to say I totally agree with what Brenda from St. Louis was saying about Mike Martz and the Rams. It's a joke that Kurt Warner is still on the bench. If Martz is going to keep treating a former MVP like this, just because Marc Bulger wins 70 percent of his starts, it's time the Rams show Warner some respect and give him a fresh start. Maybe New Orleans would be a good fit. He doesn't fumble much, right?"
Domino's Pizza: "Hello, yes, this is for delivery to the Super Dome. Could I order two large pies with cheese and pepperoni, two orders of breadsticks, three orders of the buffalo chicken strips and ... oh, do you still have the special on cans of whupass? Great, yeah just deliver it to Jim Fassel on the Giants sidelines."
Albert Connell: "Yeah, it's all clear, man. This celebration will keep everyone's attention for at least four or five more minutes, so you shouldn't have any trouble getting in the locker room. Deuce's locker is still in the same place, and I'm sure he didn't lock anything away before the game today. Just make sure and give me my cut this time."
Larry King: "Hi, Larry, love your show. Merry Christmas to you and whichever number wife you're on. My question Dr. Phil is sometimes I feel as if I can't take any pride in my accomplishments unless there are people around to see it. Why am I constantly trying to crave the attention and validation of people who don't even know me by doing more and more outrageous things? And ... oh hold on, they've got to kick the extra point."
Deuce McAllister: "Hey, did you buy tickets yet for Lord of the Rings opener? The midnight showing on Tuesday, right? Sweet. I'm putting the finishing touches on my hobbit feet tonight and the costume is good to go. Too bad they cut out Saruman from this one, but Peter Jackson is still going to do it up right. Nice block on the pass protection, by the way."
Brian Baker (Sprint "trenchcoat" spokesperson): "Hey, I've got a great idea for one of those Sprint PCS commercials. You could have a wide receiver on his cell phone in the end zone, with penalty flags all around him. Cut to a shot of his family saying they told him to call when he was alone. Then you walk out in the end zone and he says, 'I thought they said call with the ball in the end zone.'"
Mom: "Hi, mom. No, I just wanted to say hello. No, this has nothing to do with the fact that Sunday nights are the only time I get free long distance on this calling plan."
Ashton Kutcher: "What's up kid. Heard you're pulling the plug on Punk'd, what's the deal with that? What's that? The noise? I'm calling you from the end zone in the Super Dome, we're killing the Giants. Seriously, I'm not kidding. Turn on your television. No, I'm not trying to set you up. No, Bruce Willis didn't put me up to this. Nevermind, man, I'll talk to you later."
Beyonce: "What's happening, B. Hey, it's Joe. What are you up to tonight? Want to meet up after I get out of work? Yeah, Joe Horn. Maybe pick up some wine and go back to my place? Booty call? What are you talking about? No way, I was just wondering how you were doing and wanted to catch up. Hello? You still there?"
Local cable company: Man, it's impossible to get through to you people. I've been trying for days. All I want to do is change from the basic gold plan to the basic silver-plus plan. No, no, not the basic silver-expanded, I don't want 18 channels of romance movies. I just want to watch the Sopranos. Look, my coach is going to kill me for this, can't you just ... yes, I'll hold."
George Steinbrenner: "Yeah, I was just curious if you need a pinch-runner? I mean I heard the Red Sox were thinking about giving Torry Holt $6 million over three years and just figured you guys wouldn't want to let them beat you the punch."
Graham Hays writes "Out of the Box" five days a week in-between moonlighting for Page 2. He can be reached at email@example.com.