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Friday, March 8, 2013
Dissing Cousins, and other tragicomic doings

By D'Arcy Maine

In case you were busy trying to find a Blue Moon for Mila Kunis, here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.


It must be hard being Kirk Cousins, the rookie backup quarterback to rookie sensation Robert Griffin III. He spends most games holding a clipboard and trying to find ways to look busy on the Redskins' sideline, all the while going virtually unnoticed by the media and fans alike. But at the very least, you have to think that when he goes to his home state for an autograph session after the season, he'll be greeted with a hero's welcome & right? Ehhh, not so much. Unless he changed his name during the offseason. Cousins showed up to do an in-store autograph session in Grand Rapids, Mich., only to find a sign promoting the appearance of "Kurt Cousins."

To recap: Kirk Cousins, a native of Holland, Mich., and former Michigan State star, wasn't even be called the right name IN MICHIGAN. Ouch. How hard is it to get someone's name right when you're paying him to be at your store? More important, what name did they put on his paycheck?

The far-nicer-than-most-of-us Cousins tweeted about the incident on Wednesday with a picture of the poster and the caption "God always comes up with new & creative ways to keep me humble."

That definitely is one way to keep someone humble. Although I have a feeling that wouldn't be too hard for him. Especially considering the most attention he got all season concerned a haircut.

Much ado about nothing

Everyone's favorite pageant queen-turned-football girlfriend-turned-media sensation-turned-Sports Illustrated swimsuit model/celebrity diver, Katherine Webb, is featured in the latest edition of Vanity Fair. A.J. McCarron's special lady friend tells the magazine that people call them the "Romeo and Juliet of Alabama." Thus leading me to assume that most people in Alabama don't know how that story ended. But I hope it works out slightly better for Katherine and A.J.

Webb also shared that she was an "ugly duckling" as a child and now hopes "being labeled as one of the most beautiful women" will serve as inspiration to all little girls out there. Because growing up and not being able to pose in a bikini for a men's magazine would be truly be a horrible existence. I kind of hope most little girls out there have role models who know that "Romeo and Juliet" is a tragedy. But maybe that's just me.

Got some hot wings at Stuart Appleby's (I want a wing so Aaron Baddeley)

If you loved the first "Golf Boys" video or have just been looking for a way to rhyme Louis Oosthuizen, the "Golf Boys 2.oh" is must-see viewing. The oh-so-punny foursome of Ben Crane, Bubba Watson, Rickie Fowler and Hunter Mahan name-drop their way through this clip while re-enacting every lyric.

And the best part is, it's all for charity! So you can finally feel OK about reading this column and/or your YouTube addiction.

Just your average Joe (with $120 million)

Shortly after signing his blockbuster contract with the Ravens, Joe Flacco went to celebrate at a nice little neighborhood Irish restaurant called McDonald's.

I was just trying to class it up there. The Ravens QB in fact went to the McDonald's that you know and & know. The one with the famed golden arches and the delicious Shamrock Shakes a certain individual is trying to avoid. &

Newly minted (clearly I have Shamrock Shakes on the brain) with a $29 million signing bonus and approximately a gazillion dollars guaranteed with his new deal, Flacco turned down eating just about anything that's available on the planet and opted for 10 McNuggets, an order of fries and an unsweetened ice tea. Fairly paltry meal considering he could have just as easily bought the entire restaurant.

Don't ever change, Joe.

Shoot for the stars, kids.

For months, Bucks forward Ekpe Udoh has had a dream. To win an NBA title? Uh, no. Well, maybe but it's not happening this year. Udoh has been determined to meet the one and only Betty White.

Athletes really are just like us! Or just like me, anyway.

His first documented attempt to meet the 91-year-old legend was in June on Twitter when he asked his followers how he could meet her. And his pleas continued throughout the summer. When asked on a Warriors World podcast about his fascination with the actress, he explained his lifelong "Golden Girls" fandom and that "she got all the swag." My thoughts exactly.

On Wednesday, Udoh's wildest dream was finally realized. HE MET BETTY WHITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He even tweeted a photo of their encounter with the caption, "Mission Accomplished." Dreams really do come true.

Have to wonder what would happen if he put the same kind of energy into improving his game.

Please welcome Nick Carter's brother back from obscurity!

Twelve years after Aaron Carter's "How I Beat Shaq" video, Shaquille O'Neal finally gets his revenge. And hilarity ensues. I AM KAZAAM!