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Friday, March 15, 2013
As the Worm Turns, Vatican edition

By D'Arcy Maine

In case you were busy shopping for green beer or corned beef and cabbage, here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.

It's Dennis Rodman's world, we just live in it

America's self-appointed global ambassador continues his tour to meet with world leaders and, uh, grace major events with his presence. And if people are looking for tattoo and piercing advice at the same time & even better! Everyone's third-favorite 1990s-era Bull (after Toni Kukoc and Ron Harper, obviously) took his talents to Vatican City this week to do his part for the papal conclave. Can I get an "amen"? No? I don't blame you.

On his trip, sponsored by an Irish gambling website called Paddy Power, Rodman campaigned for a black pope to be named. He told The Associated Press on Tuesday, "One of those two black guys is going to be the pope," but he was unable to specifically name either of the men he was speaking of.

Rodman was, however, a little more forthcoming with the gang over at TMZ, telling them about his all-time favorite pope (the Michael Jordan of popes, if you will), John Paul II. Why, you ask? Because "He was cool as hell. He pretty much was like a pimp." So there you have it, folks.

However, much like Rodman's attempts to enter Vatican City in a popemobile, the naming of a black pope did not happen and the honor went to Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina. Wonder what the new pope's thoughts are on marrying oneself.

What's next for Rodman? Probably showing up somewhere during the inevitable apocalypse that after hearing about this story I'm convinced is about to take place.

Fake tattoos are so 1999

Heisman Trophy winner and renowned party boy Johnny Manziel just wanted to enjoy his spring break in Cabo with his bros. You know, hanging out on the beach, having a few cocktails (see exhibit A), hitting the club scene at night, getting fake tattoos of the Texas Longhorn. Yah dude!

Perhaps the Texas A&M quarterback somehow missed the memo about that whole not liking UT thing. But, because it's 2013 and everyone has a camera phone, pictures of Manziel's new fake ink spread across the Internet like a "Gig 'em" cheer at an Aggies game. Fans and foes alike were aghast over the body art and let him hear it on Twitter even after he denounced it as just a temporary tat. Like the mature 20-year-old he is, Maziel went off on those who spoke out. In the since-deleted tweets, Manziel told his commenters things like "you suck," and my personal favorite, "tell your mom I said wassup." Classy! Although, perhaps my expectations are so low, I found myself pleasantly surprised he spelled out "you" and capitalized his "I." So there's that.

Say what you want about Manti Te'o, but you never would hear about these kinds of comments to actual living people if he had won the Heisman.

Maybe he was just trying to hitchhike a ride home after the game

Bucks center Larry Sanders was ejected from Wednesday's loss against the Wizards. While an ejection during a regular-season NBA game isn't exactly newsworthy, it's what he did that makes this one a classic. After being called for an offensive foul, Sanders went to argue with the referees, and gave each his own sarcastic thumbs-up sign, turning and looking at each of the three individually in the process.

While we're sure the NBA isn't pleased with Sanders' reaction, league officials should just feel fortunate he used his thumb and not another finger.

Still want to post a negative comment on this story?

Pay attention, all you middle-aged dudes who live in your mom's basement and think you can say whatever you want on Twitter and have it remain anonymous. Former soccer player-turned-professional boxer Curtis Woodhouse of England had been seeing taunting tweets from @jimmyob88 (real name: Jimmy O'Brien) for weeks, intensifying after a recent loss in the ring.

Woodhouse did what just about everyone who's ever received a rude comment from a stranger on the Internet would like to do and decided to confront his heckler in person. He made the 60-plus-mile trek to O'Brien's home after promising his followers 1,000 pounds in exchange for the address. Woodhouse tweeted at his tormentor during the drive, even posting an ominous picture of the street when he arrived.

In a move that should surprise no one, Jimmy was conveniently not home and quickly apologized profusely for his comments via Twitter. The two finally met face to face Thursday on an English television show, where they shook hands and O'Brien presumably just shook and trembled until it was all over.

The moral of this story: Don't mess with someone who gets paid to punch people in the face for a living. And, if you absolutely must do so, find one who lives far, far away from you.

R.I.P. Brandon Knight (not really)

By now your grandfather, your second-grade teacher and your childhood neighbor have all sent you the clip of DeAndre Jordan's posterizing dunk over Brandon Knight from Sunday's Clippers-Pistons game. It instantly became a viral sensation, sparking memes, GIFs and fake Twitter accounts within hours.

By Monday, even Jordan's Wikipedia page had been updated to reflect the dunk. Well, sort of. In the opening paragraph, it was changed to read, "Jordan was brought up on 1st degree murder charges on March 10, 2013, in his monstrous assassination of Detroit Pistons guard Brandon Knight. Knight died in mid-air." While we're happy to say that Knight obviously didn't actually die, we can't say the same for his dignity or pride. To add insult to injury, Knight hurt his ankle in Monday's game and is now sidelined indefinitely.

Jordan, however, gets to cash in on the moment, as Under Armour (the apparel company he endorses) already has released a T-shirt with the phrase "Show me your dunk face" and a cartoon image of the Clippers center's face after the dunk.

Can't wait to see what happens with the next dunk we deem "best of the year." Which most likely will happen by tomorrow.

Can we blame the hideous orange shorts for this?

Hooters has recently publicized its new strategy to entice women into their restaurants. You know, because everyone really does just go there for the wings and all. This video of a Hooters-employed ball girl at a Phillies-Rays spring training game probably isn't going to help get the female fan base.