That's What She Said: Filing grievances
The holiday season is upon us. That most rare of times when shared gifts are less important than shared experiences, miracles are everywhere and honesty is valued above all else. I'm speaking, of course, of Festivus. (It's for the rest of us.)
The aluminum pole is up, the meatloaf and spaghetti are on the table and the feats of strength are nigh. But first, the most important part of Festivus: the airing of the grievances. Fans, players, coaches and media have disappointed me in myriad ways over the past year. I've got a lot of problems with all of them right now -- and they're gonna hear about it!
Here we go ...
• Scoreboard wedding proposals and people getting married in stadium parking lots.
I don't care how much she likes sports, she does not want to get engaged at a ballpark. And she really doesn't wanna get married there!
• Those stupid hemp necklaces MLB players wear.
You're not at a Phish show, buddy.
• Home videos of people reacting to their favorite team's big win or loss.
This nonsense is totally staged and utterly stupid. Get a hold of your lives.
• That "magic spray" they use on injured soccer players.
It's bad enough you're faking that injury to get a call. Faking that you're cured by some magic medicinal spray is just doubling down on douchedom.
• NBA players wearing thick-framed hipster glasses with no lenses.
You're one Groucho Marx nose-and-mustache combo away from being a cheap disguise set. At the very least, put in some prescription-free lenses.
• People who say, "I'd rather stay home and watch on my couch."
Get off your butt and go support your team in person every once in a while. You sound like a crotchety old man.
• People who can't throw out a first pitch.
It's 60 feet away, not 600. You clowns act like you've never thrown a ball before.
• People shooting each other over college football upsets and stabbing each other over parking lot disputes.
It's just sports. Seriously.
• Oversized-font Nike-slogan shirts on out-of-shape old men.
Sir, I find it terribly difficult to believe you ever "balled so hard" or "grinded like a baller." Just stop.
• Saying that anything is an example of the "pussification" of anything else.
It's meat-headed, it's misogynistic and it makes no sense as an insult, as both men and woman can agree: Vaginas are awesome.
• 99.9 percent of all sports memes and GIFs.
No, that "Condescending Wonka" meme is not funny, and no, that GIF of a player scratching his butt is not worth my time.
Bring it like this, or don't bring it at all:
• New uniforms for every single college football game.
These bros change outfits more often than an Oscars host. Not to mention designers are running out of ideas -- half those new unis are ugly as sin.
• People who enter the "exit" door of a stadium bathroom and pretend they aren't aware they've cut a line of several dozen people waiting at the "entrance" door.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize your bladder had VIP status up in here. I'll keep my ready-to-burst coach class bladder over here until you're good and done.
• Fans who cheer for injuries.
I find your belief system fascinating. You should have your fan card revoked and be forced to hang out with the "I'd rather stay home and watch on my couch" guy.
• ACL tears.
See: Dustin Keller, Maurkice Pouncey, Henry Melton, Reggie Wayne, Rob Gronkowski, Sam Bradford, Mike Goodson, Tyrann Mathieu ... I could go on.
• Meniscus tears.
See: Derrick Rose (if you can, through all those tears).
• Bad clock management by professional coaches.
• Twitter trolls.
Go find something to do. Try to get your punch card full so you can get a free sub and a captain's hat, or something.
• Players signaling for a first down when their team is down 25.
You're an embarrassment, dude.
• The wave.
Just stop. The wave hit its peak coolness in "When Harry Met Sally." That was 24 years ago. (Side note: Holy cow, that movie is 24 years old.)
• Fans in spandex suits.
I came to see the game, not the outline of your twig and berries.
• Sky-high ticket prices.
You're better off taking your family of four to Maui for the weekend than a 100-level NBA game.
• Shirtless dudes at December football games.
We can see you shivering. Also, hypothermia ain't hot. (Literally.)
• People who get selected for the contest at basketball games and can't hit a layup.
That 2-year-old on Jimmy Kimmel has a better J than you, man. Embarrassing.
• People behind home plate who spend the whole game waving at the camera and talking on their phones.
You're the same geniuses who flinch on a fouled-off pitch coming your way despite that massive protective netting in front of you.
• Bobbleheads that don't look anything like the athlete.
Like, are they even looking at a picture when they make these things or just throwing on a random collection of noses, eyes and mouths?
• The St. Louis Rams fan who spilled his full plate of nachos on the stairs and just kept walking.
You, sir, you know who you are. At least three people slipped on the cheese and broken chips you dropped and didn't feel compelled to clean up. You're the absolute worst.