Taking a vacation from the hate
In case you were too busy selecting your Kentucky Derby hat, here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
Looks like we've found E!'s next reality show
In news that was instantly destined for this column, I'm thrilled to announce that our favorite college bro, Johnny Manziel, will be vacationing later this month with none other than Katherine Webb's boyfriend, AJ McCarron. They shared their plans with the world over Twitter. Of course.
In a bro-laden conversation (sample tweet: "always bro! ... be good bro!"), the two oozed excitement. While they didn't disclose their exact destination, McCarron told USA Today they were heading to either Key West, Fla., or Cancun, Mexico, with a group of friends. We're sure it will be filled with intelligent conversations about U.S. foreign policy and the economic crisis. Or just a lot of crushing beers, bro hugs and getting their tan on.
While I'm more excited than just about everyone else about this upcoming trip, aren't these dudes supposed to be SEC rivals? Do they not have any football players on their own teams to beach with? After pictures of Manziel's last getaway hit the Interwebs, maybe McCarron just couldn't resist the chance to experience it firsthand. Party on, bros. Party on.
Here's something we can all agree on
Twitter was full of support for Jason Collins after his historic announcement Monday that he was gay. While most of the remarks were positive and inspiring, Dustin Penner of the Los Angeles Kings easily had the best tweet of them all. Because nothing brings people together quite like a good Nickelback joke.
Honestly I don't care if you are gay or straight as my teammate. As long as you don't listen to Nickelback. #courage— Dustin Penner (@Dustinpenner25) April 30, 2013
News of the ridiculous
We were previously unaware of this, but apparently God hates the NBA. Because, you know, the supreme being really spends his or her time actively abhorring grown men who bounce balls for a living.
This is according to everyone's favorite hate mongers over at the Westboro Baptist Church, who clearly haven't seen the NBA's ratings this year.
The publicity-loving church issued a news release Tuesday announcing its plan to picket at two playoff games. You could almost count the turnout on one hand. The group is angry at Collins for being, you know, who he is and at Kevin Durant for living in the Bible Belt and doing nothing to stop Collins from being who he is. OK then. At least, I think that's what they're saying. It's really hard to decipher a news release that says "#GodH8sTheNBA."
So what happens now? Do all the NBA arenas get turned into salt? Will my living room be flooded when I turn on a playoff game? It's a shame, really. Now none of us will get to know if the Heat will in fact win not six, not seven … titles.
Rest easy, though, women's basketball fans. No mention of God's feelings about the WNBA.
Move over, McKayla Maroney
"Gangnam Style" singer PSY, whose 15 minutes have inexplicably yet to expire, danced for the crowd at a Dodgers game Tuesday night. Who wasn't impressed by the spectacle? Former team manager and current front-office executive Tommy Lasorda. Do yourself a favor and watch his reaction on the left of your screen.
I'm now impatiently awaiting the "Tommy Lasorda is not impressed" meme.
Terrell Owens abides
Terrell Owens made his long-awaited athletic return Wednesday in Reno, Nev.
At a bowling alley.
Sadly, you read that correctly. After a failed NFL comeback, a failed stint with an indoor football team and a failed reality show, Owens decided to try his hand at the U.S. Bowling Congress Open Championships. Because what else was left to try, really?
Owens told Bowl.com he was able to attend the tournament because "there happened to be a break in my schedule." I'm guessing by "break," he really meant the next 30 years.
And that is why you play nice with your teammates and coaches, kids.
A win's a win
Danica Patrick may be winless on the racetrack this season, but you can't say she can't win over a crowd.
The NASCAR star wowed the United Center audience in a Shoot the Puck contest during the Blackhawks-Wild playoff game Tuesday night when she calmly scored from center ice on her first attempt. The fans gave her a standing ovation. Danica shrugged like it was no big thing.
The rest of her attempts weren't as successful, but she still gets to say she scored a goal at an NHL game. Which is far more impressive than anything I can say about my life.
Condolences, Knicks fans
Knicks forward Kenyon Martin encouraged all his teammates to wear black ahead of Wednesday's Game 5 against the Celtics to represent what he deemed Boston's inevitable funeral. However, the joke was on the Knicks, as the Celtics managed to win their second straight game and force a Game 6 in Boston. There's a quote about karma I would like to put here, but I want to ensure my future employment.
That was fast
Like every major news story of our time, Tim Tebow's exit from the Jets has been turned into a hilarious Taiwanese animation. Enjoy.