Wheels fall off in wacky week
In case you were too busy watching Merritt Wever's incredible Emmy acceptance speech on a loop, here's the best of email and Twitter fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
Courtesy reminder: Decline next party invitation from Bryant McKinnie
A football player getting injured is about as common as a Kardashian joke in an NBA blog. A football player getting injured in a birthday-party altercation with a stripper is remarkably not as common. According to TMZ, members of the Baltimore Ravens celebrated Bryant McKinnie's 34th birthday with a party bus in Washington, D.C., on Sunday night. In addition to his teammates, McKinnie also was reportedly joined by a group of strippers. Because how else would a football player commemorate such a milestone as living another year?
Around 3 a.m. Monday morning, a fight reportedly broke out on the bus and Jacoby Jones allegedly was struck over the head with a bottle by a stripper named Sweet Pea. While Jones has denied being hit, sources told the gossip site he was "bleeding everywhere." Pea, whom I can only assume has another name written on her birth certificate, also denies the allegations, including the one about being a stripper. Police responded to the scene but made no arrests. So the Ravens can easily consider that their greatest victory of the season thus far.
McKinnie, for his part, also was involved in the Vikings' infamous party boat incident. We can only hope this adventure sparks as many punch lines as that occasion did. Worth noting is that he was sued (by Trick Daddy's father!) in 2012 for $375,000 in, wait for it, unpaid strip club bills. Hopefully, Sweet Pea will be paid in a timely manner.
And just when you thought this story couldn't get any better, the Ravens' coaching staff piped in a 1966 Tommy Roe song entitled "Sweet Pea" during practice on Wednesday. We're holding our breath that footage of the players' reaction to the song comes to light in the coming days.
For your consideration
If there were Academy Awards for tweets, Adrian Peterson might have a Meryl Streep-like lock on a nomination. After the Vikings suffered a demoralizing loss to the Browns on Sunday, AP proved just how sad that defeat really was.
So my daughter is laying here under me and just out the blue she says... I can't believe you lost to the Browns Daddy! Smh— Adrian Peterson (@AdrianPeterson) September 23, 2013
On the one hand, way harsh, Tai! On the other hand, this hilarious yet astute young lady might just have a future as an NFL analyst. She clearly knows her stuff.
LeBron has no comment (probably because he doesn't have a Gatorade deal)
In yet another attempt at a viral marketing campaign, Dwyane Wade and Kevin Durant got the Twittersphere buzzing on Wednesday with a totally sponsored, not-obvious-at-all Instagram/Twitter beef. YAWN.
Here's the backstory: Durant recently did an interview with CineSport in which he stated that James Harden should have replaced Wade in Sport Illustrated's recent list of top-10 NBA players. Wade was apparently furious (or handsomely compensated) and posted an, ahem, "note to self" on Instagram.
Obviously, Wade is unclear of the meaning of a "note to self," since he posted it for his 2 million followers but, hey, semantics. Durant immediately responded on Twitter with a middle-school-style subtweet.
Show me don't tweet me..— Kevin Durant (@KDTrey5) September 25, 2013
And while Wade didn't technically tweet him (he 'Gram-ed him), one can assume this was intended for the Heat star. And that's the whole fight. Seriously, that's it. Somewhere out there, probably on a private island working on new material for his eighth posthumous album, Tupac is SHDH at this being perceived as a "beef."
The duo famously appeared in a Gatorade commercial last season in which they were portrayed as rivals competing in each other's nightmares. This seemingly contrived feud seems like a setup for a sequel. Coming soon to a television set near you!
First the twerking-girl-on-fire video turned out to be a hoax, and now this. Is nothing on the Internet sacred anymore?
Actual nice-news alert!
If the week's ridiculous news has you feeling down or just plain concerned for society, take a second to admire this tweet from Serena Williams about her sister Venus and her success at the Pan Pacific Open. You might suddenly seem to have a piece of dust in your eye.
If u ever think about quitting- just think about my sister @Venuseswilliams she's the greatest.— Serena Williams (@serenawilliams) September 24, 2013
Give Rashad Johnson the finger. Please?
Cardinals safety Rashad Johnson was just playing a little game of football on Sunday when he wandered back to the sideline, took off his glove and … discovered part of his middle finger on his left hand had come off. So basically your worst nightmare ever.
The 27-year-old told the Arizona Republic he's "not even sure how it happened" and speculated it might have "dug into the turf there and snapped back and broke it that way." Oh, of course. Or maybe a zombie stormed the field and ate it off. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHEN YOUR FINGER SNAPPED OFF? I find this aspect of the story really concerning. Scratch that. This whole story is really concerning. Johnson, who is apparently the toughest and most nonchalant dude on the planet, plans to play this weekend. Not that he just LOST PART OF HIS FINGER or anything. Did I mention that this guy lost part of his finger?
For those of you curious (read: sick, twisted) souls out there, Johnson posted a picture on Twitter of his finger, or lack thereof. You can see it here, but consider this a warning. It's not for the faint of heart or for anyone who enjoys having 10 functioning fingers.
Excuse me while I go preemptively bandage my hands before leaving the house.
In what can only be deemed the best retirement-party tribute of all time, Yankees closer Mariano Rivera walked onto the field on Sunday at Yankee Stadium to a live version of "Enter Sandman" by Metallica. The legendary pitcher has used the song as his entrance music since 1999, and it only made sense he would go off to never-never land with it playing in the background. See what I did there?
Aww shucks. I knew I should have gone this route for my mom's retirement party rather than a slideshow and balloons.
That time someone just accidentally won a marathon…
What's the secret to winning a marathon? Apparently all you have to do is take a wrong turn. OK then.
Elementary school teacher Meredith Fitzmaurice entered a half-marathon in Ontario over the weekend as part of her training for a full race next month. The 34-year-old ended up missing the turn at the midway point and kept running. Eventually she checked her watch and realized she was well past the 13-mile mark. She had never run a full 26.2 miles before, but she decided to keep going when she realized there were no female runners ahead of her. Citing adrenaline and crowd support as her sources of motivation, Fitzmaurice just cruised to the finish line in 3 hours, 11 minutes, 48 seconds and captured the women's title. In the process, she qualified for the Boston Marathon. No big deal, eh? You know, that's how it goes when you just accidentally run 26 miles.
While the whole winning thing is pretty remarkable, I'm more impressed that she can run 15 miles at a blistering pace without ever bothering to wonder how far she had run. Pretty sure my knees or my feet or my shins or -- I don't know -- my brain screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME, YOU EVIL SOULLESS MONSTER???" would make it abundantly clear I had gone too far.
Once upon a time, Chiefs safety Eric Berry was just like any other child who loved watching cartoons about colorful ponies frolicking in the meadow and eating a steady diet of oats, grains, barley and rainbows. But that soon changed. Poor young Eric was bit by a pony, albeit seemingly not colorful or drawn, during a visit to a petting zoo. And he was all like, "Dang, horse, I trusted you." His life, he attests, has never been the same. Since that fateful day, Eric has been plagued by a deep and challenging fear of horses. Neigh. No, really.
His personal torment went on public display last season when he was openly scared by the Chiefs' mascot, a delightful-looking horse named Warpaint. His in-game microphone captured him shouting, "Oh hell no, there goes that horse. I don't [mess] with that horse." Fans everywhere were instantly curious about his animosity toward the animal. Thankfully for all of us, NFL Films decided to explore the topic in a semi-satirical, semi-greatest-thing-ever documentary short. Berry and his family and friends try to make sense of his phobia and he even faces his fear head-on with a dramatic and poignant apology to Warpaint.
The feature is close to eight minutes, but if your boss catches you watching, just send it along. He or she will completely understand. And probably make it required viewing for all employees.
Watch the video here.