AP Photo/Mark LennihanBarbie drives a bubble gum pink Corvette, rocks Pantene-worthy locks and thinks math class is tough. If she were human, her 36-18-33 curves would render her immobile, unable to stand up straight, let alone sink a free throw or hold plank position. This blonde sure doesn't make it easy for a 21st century feminist to respect her, does she?
But back in the day, before we knew any better, Barbie was a goddess (Charlie Sheen's companions notwithstanding.) To celebrate her March 9 birthday (girl is looking good for 52!), we put together a list of Barbie dolls we wish we had:
Workout Buddy Barbie: She'll text you at 5:30 a.m. to drag your butt out of bed and get you to hit the gym with her. In the weight room, she'll push you through each and every set, alternating between one of three sayings: "You can do it!", "Just three more reps!" and "That guy smells like tacos!"
Catcall Avenger Barbie: Never worry about running on a busy street again! Catcall Avenger Barbie carries a magic pink shield that renders you invisible to truck drivers, college boys, or anyone not wearing a priest collar. In response to egregious honks, she automatically flips the bird and snaps a photo of the offender's license plate, which is transmitted to iHollaback.org, a movement dedicated to ending street harassment using mobile technology.
Locker Room Barbie: Your body image BFF will throw herself on the scale to prevent you from hopping on and ruining your day with a "bad" number. An internal RSS feed keeps her programmed with fun celebrity gossip to entertain you in the steam room. LRB always carries a spare pair of flip flops to protect your feet from scuzzy shower room floors, and she praises your gorgeous body whenever you glance in the mirror.
Downward Dog Barbie: This plastic yogi knows you always forget to stretch, so she stands at the ready with a slew of easy, effective, do-anywhere poses such as Pigeon and Ragdoll. DD Barbie comes with a $100 gift card to Lululemon.
Emergency Kit Barbie: Is there anything this Barbie can't do? Emergency Kit Barbie uses her ridonculously gigantic boobs to store SPF 50 sunblock for long bike rides and runs, Band-Aids for blisters and Advil for achy post-workout muscles. Plus she always has a clean sports bra and pair of undies on hand for you.
Cheerleader Ken: He sits on the sideline, forced to wear revealing short shorts and ugly scrunched-up tube socks. Because payback's a bitch, Kenny-boy.
