The One-Man Mock Draft

Carlos Correa was a first-round pick by one of the Tristans this year. Which one was it? Stacy Revere/Getty Images

Loudmouth won last year.

Everybody hates when Loudmouth wins. Mainly because he constantly reminds you whenever he does.

On the day that he won, Loudmouth's first call was to Cocky, his long-standing rival, interrupting him at work. Cocky was so annoyed, he swore he wasn't going to return to the league in 2016. But as the winter weeks passed and the league emails began to circulate, Cocky changed his mind. He's back with a goal: to take down Loudmouth, whatever the cost. (Well, within reason. Thankfully, there's no "Rules Loophole Tristan" in this league. We refuse to answer his emails asking whether there's an opening.)

Welcome to The One-Man Mock Draft, Season 2. (Tristan, however, has been pushing his preferred title, "The One-Man Mock Draft Strikes Back.") For a look back at last year's edition, click here.

In this One-Man Mock Draft, one individual -- this columnist -- splits into 10 different personalities: each of 10 instincts I have or have ever had as a fantasy baseball player, first, then analyst. This is meant not only to provide a window into an actual draft experience; it's also to give you a sense of how different personalities might approach a draft. With whom do you most relate?

Meet the characters, in their draft order (reverse order of 2015 finish)

1. Newbie Tristan discovered the phrase "regression to the mean" this winter, but he's still trying to figure out what it means. He is therefore still a Newbie, though he's "definitely got it figured out this time."

2. On-the-Go Tristan arrived on time this year but he's in a really big hurry because work has been crazy and he's got a meeting right after the draft LET'S GO GUYS!

3. Homer Tristan bought himself a brand-new Greg Bird jersey. Yankees fans who have spotted him on the street during the past month and a half accuse him of being a jinx.

4. Party Time Tristan heard they have a new "Burgerizza" at Turner Field in Atlanta and has spent the past week trying to book his flight.

5. Geeky Tristan learned that if you format your cheat sheet using Arial Narrow, you can fit 26.2 percent more data on a single sheet than by using Helvetica. That's a net annual savings of $65.18 on ink cartridges.

6. Lazy Tristan.

7. Presenting your presumed 2016 One-Man Mock League champion, Cocky Tristan! All hail Cocky Tristan, owner of five league championships, two second-place finishes and three additional "money" finishes. He was also last summer's champion at New Jersey's annual I Refuse to Eat Any Hot Dogs Contest.

8. Tristan wrote these very words you're reading. He's going to stop now, because otherwise he'll begin making infinity-mirror metaphors.

9. Puppy Dogs & Rainbows Tristan lost the championship to Loudmouth by 1½ points, but he probably would've won had his first pick, Bryce Harper, not missed two games in the final week or his eighth-round pick, Matt Harvey, not skipped that one start in mid-September. Nevertheless, almost instantly after Loudmouth's phone call, Puppy Dogs & Rainbows shifted his eye to 2016 with renewed optimism. "This is the year! THIS IS THE YEAR!"

10. LOUDMOUTH [thumps chest] LOUD-MOUTH! C'mon guys, stand with me, LET'S GO! LOUD-MOUTH! [thrusts his championship trophy in your face] YEAH! (See what we mean?)

The draft

[We return to Tristan's basement, where our owners have gathered around tables set up in a U shape. Everyone is seated in their draft order, in reverse order of their 2015 standing, beginning with Newbie, then working clockwise, On-the-Go, Homer and so on, with Loudmouth at the opposite end. Loudmouth has taken up far more than his fair, 10 percent share of the table space, mainly so he can proudly display his championship trophy. Puppy Dogs & Rainbows is wearing a brand-spanking-new Bryce Harper jersey, in honor of his favorite pick from 2015. As everyone has been saying their hellos, he has been pointing to the jersey and saying with pride, "I drafted this guy." Party Time upgraded his cooler during the winter; it's now in the center of the U, which requires more walking, but it also greatly decreases the chances he'll empty it mid-draft, as he did a year ago.]

Tristan: "OK, as always, the ground rules. Two minutes per pick, and if the timer expires we'll give you the highest remaining player in the ESPN rankings. Any questions?"

Lazy: "Does anyone have a draft sheet I can borrow? Oh, and also a pen?"

Tristan: "Sigh, here you go. OK, let's get started. Newbie, you're on the clock!"

1.1 (Newbie): Bryce Harper, OF, Nationals

Newbie: "Can't go wrong with the MVP!"

On-the-Go: [quickly jumping in, as if someone is going to snipe his pick had it been an auction] "MIKE TROUT!"

1.2 (On-the-Go): Mike Trout, OF, Angels

Homer: "I take future Yankee-slash-eight-time Cy Young Award winner ..."

1.3 (Homer): Clayton Kershaw, SP, Dodgers

Cocky: "Dude, you say that every year about every first-round pick!"

Homer: "Well, I'm right this year. The Yankees could totally use him."

Cocky: "He's signed for like a billion dollars! And it's not like the Dodgers are the Yankees' farm team! By the way, have you even thought about how impossible eight Cy Young Awards would be?"

Homer: [confidently] "Five of them while with the Yankees."

[Cocky scowls, then heads upstairs.]

Homer: "Now he's gonna miss his pick."

Cocky: [from upstairs in a mocking voice] "I'm not gonna miss my pick!"

1.4 (Party Time): Paul Goldschmidt, 1B, Diamondbacks

Party Time: [pops the cap on his favorite beverage and toasts the air] "Thanks, guys! League conflict always benefits Team Party Time. Pick of the draft."

1.5 (Geeky): Jose Altuve, 2B, Houston Astros

Loudmouth: "REACH!!!"

Geeky: "Perhaps, but my projection model has Altuve's stolen bases worth 10.8 percent more relative to replacement this season than last, not to mention second base having the second-lowest replacement level behind only catcher. Though I'd have really liked to get Kershaw, since my system values him first by a wide margin."

[Cocky returns, grazing on an extra-large bag of potato chips.]

1.6 (Lazy): Josh Donaldson, 3B, Blue Jays
1.7 (Cocky): Giancarlo Stanton, OF, Marlins
1.8 (Tristan): Manny Machado, 3B, Orioles
1.9 (Puppy Dogs & Rainbows): Carlos Correa, SS, Astros

Puppy Dogs & Rainbows: "I love that guy!"

Newbie: "Way too early. He's got less than 100 games in the majors!"

Puppy Dogs & Rainbows: "Says the guy who took Harper. Really hoped I'd get him again this year, but that's fine, Correa's actually going to have a better year. Book it."

1.10 (Loudmouth): Anthony Rizzo, 1B, Cubs
2.1 (Loudmouth): Nolan Arenado, 3B, Rockies


Puppy Dogs & Rainbows: "THANK YOU! I could kiss you for passing on ..."

2.2 (Puppy Dogs & Rainbows): Kris Bryant, 3B, Cubs

Loudmouth: [giving Puppy Dogs & Rainbows a funny look] "Have fun with that. My guy's gonna lap him by 40 points in batting average."

Puppy Dogs & Rainbows: "Yeah, but Bryant's gonna hit 50 homers this year. Cubs win the Series in four, book it. He's so good, one day they're gonna rename the MVP award after him."

2.3 (Tristan): Andrew McCutchen, OF, Pirates

Tristan: "Seriously, does Andrew McCutchen have the plague?"

Cocky: "YOU JERK!!!" [smacks the table] "Fine, gimme ..."

2.4 (Cocky): Jose Bautista, OF, Blue Jays

[Cocky stands, postures and tosses his pencil across the room, mimicking Bautista's postseason bat flip.]

2.5 (Lazy): Miguel Cabrera, 1B, Tigers

2.6 (Geeky): Edwin Encarnacion, 1B, Blue Jays

Lazy: "Is he hurt? He's got a red 'DTD' next to his name."

Geeky: "He's due back this weekend. Besides, he's one of the most consistent players in the game, my consistency metrics grading him ahead of everyone in the game except Trout. These rounds are all about avoidance of risk."

Party Time: "YYYYYYYEEEEEAH! Thank you fellas, I'll take my bowling buddy ..."

2.7 (Party Time): Mookie Betts, OF, Red Sox

On-the-Go: "He bowls?"

Party Time: "Yeah, he even did a PBA Tour event. I actually tweeted him asking if I could bowl with him sometime, but he never replied."

2.8 (Homer): Dee Gordon, 2B, Marlins

On-the-Go: "Wow. I used to league bowl, but I kept missing our games because of work. Oh, I'm up. I'll take ..."

2.9 (On-the-Go): Max Scherzer, SP, Nationals
2.10 (Newbie): Jake Arrieta, SP, Cubs
3.1 (Newbie): Buster Posey, C, Giants
3.2 (On-the-Go): Jose Abreu, 1B, White Sox

[More than 90 seconds pass, as Homer fumbles with his papers. He's looking flustered.]

Loudmouth: "Just take David Price already and get it over with!"

Homer: "I am not taking a Red Sock!"

Loudmouth [gesturing toward Geeky, who raises a finger and is about to comment] "Don't even start, General Grammar!" [Geeky stops, looking disappointed.]

Homer: "And I am not taking a Met."

"And I am not taking a Diamondback. Stupid 2001."

3.3 (Homer): Starling Marte, OF, Pirates
3.4 (Party Time): David Price, SP, Red Sox

Party Time: [another air toast] "You're just handing me these picks."

3.5 (Geeky): J.D. Martinez, OF, Tigers
3.6 (Lazy): A.J. Pollock, OF, Diamondbacks

Tristan: "You know, injury or not, that's a good pick. This room's pretty down on outfielders for some reason."

3.7 (Cocky): Chris Sale, SP, White Sox
3.8 (Tristan): Charlie Blackmon, OF, Rockies
3.9 (Puppy Dogs & Rainbows): George Springer, OF, Astros

Tristan: "Yeah, that's the other guy I was torn between with Blackmon."

Puppy Dogs & Rainbows: "Yup, thanks. I win that one."

Tristan: "Oh?"

Puppy Dogs & Rainbows: "More homers, more steals, AL MVP? Um, yeah. Not close."

Tristan: "You're aware that Blackmon had more of every roto category last year? And he's played at least 100 more games than Springer the past two years?"

Puppy Dogs & Rainbows: "Hey, all that matters are 2016 stats. Enjoy your history book."

Tristan: "I'm as big a proponent of that argument as anyone, but you're underrating Blackmon. Boring can win leagues."

3.10 (Loudmouth): Madison Bumgarner, SP, Giants
4.1 (Loudmouth): Robinson Cano, 2B, Mariners

Homer: "Dead ... to ... me."

4.2 (Puppy Dogs & Rainbows): Jose Fernandez, SP, Marlins
4.3 (Tristan): Gerrit Cole, SP, Pirates
4.4 (Cocky): Chris Davis, 1B/OF, Orioles

Cocky: "Hey Puppy Dogs! Fifty-homer dude -- and 2016 league champ -- right here, my roster, thank you very much."

4.5 (Lazy): Matt Harvey, SP, Mets
4.6 (Geeky): Corey Kluber, SP, Indians

Puppy Dogs & Rainbows: "Kluber? But he's so boring!"

Homer: "Says the guy who took Fernandez two rounds too soon. Oooooooh, now that's a guy the Yankees need to sign."

Geeky: "Every metric says Kluber was one of the unluckiest pitchers in baseball last season. Sub-three FIP, his K-to-walk actually increased, he's still a top Cy Young contender. He's better than every one of the starters picked this round."

4.7 (Party Time): Todd Frazier, 3B, White Sox
4.8 (Homer): Stephen Strasburg, SP, Nationals

Homer: "Kershaw, Fernandez, Severino, Strasburg and Kaprielian; 2018 is gonna be freakin' awesome."

Lazy: "Harvey, deGrom, Syndergaard and Matz. Freakin' awesome right now."

4.9 (On-the-Go): Justin Upton, OF, Tigers

Newbie: "I'll take Dallas KOO-chul."

Tristan: "Do you mean Dallas Keuchel?"

Newbie: "Yeah, the guy who won the Cy Young. You guys left me both Cy Young award winners? Suckers!"

Puppy Dogs & Rainbows: "Um ... last year's stats?"

4.10 (Newbie): Dallas Keuchel, SP, Astros
5.1 (Newbie): Yoenis Cespedes, OF, Mets

On-the-Go: "Did anyone take Joey Votto yet?"

Tristan: "No. Good pick. We all slept on him too. I kind of hoped he'd hang in there until my pick since all these guys" -- [gesturing to his right] -- "have first basemen."

5.2 (On-the-Go): Joey Votto, 1B, Reds

Newbie: "He doesn't get any RBIs, he's on a terrible team and he'll never get pitched to. You guys can have him."

5.3 (Homer): Carlos Gonzalez, OF, Rockies
5.4 (Party Time): Jacob deGrom, SP, Mets

Geeky: "I really hate to take two pitchers this early, but there's no way I can pass up ..."

5.5 (Geeky): Carlos Carrasco, SP, Indians

Geeky: " ...he's an extreme ground-baller with a high-grade infield defense behind him and he gets strikeouts. I'm all-in on the Indians anyway; I've got them projected for 89 wins and the American League Central title."

Lazy: "How are you projecting the Indians to win that many more games this season? Their offense is so much worse this year! Dude, I think you're their starting center fielder!"

Geeky: "No, that'd be Tyler NAY-quin. Roughly a 1.3 wins above replacement projection by my system."

Loudmouth: "NO NAME-DROPPING! Let people do their own homework."

Tristan: "Relax. It's a 10-team mixed draft. I don't think anyone here would even be thinking about Tyler Naquin before the last round, if at all."

[Puppy Dogs & Rainbows raises an eyebrow and smirks. You can tell he's actually thinking about it.]

5.6 (Lazy): Adrian Gonzalez, 1B, Dodgers
5.7 (Cocky): Troy Tulowitzki, SS, Blue Jays

Cocky: "Your 2016 Blue Jays, gentlemen. One-thousand-run offense. Thirty-100 for Tulo, thank you very much."

Loudmouth: "I think he might miss 1,000 games."

Tristan: "You know, all these pitchers are staring at me but I just can't do it. This is probably a reach, but I like the guy ..."

5.8 (Tristan): Xander Bogaerts, SS, Red Sox

Geeky: "He had a .372 BABIP last year."

Tristan: "You know as well as anyone that BABIP is context-driven! Besides, have fun with the rest of the shortstop pool, fellas. It's hideous."

5.9 (Puppy Dogs & Rainbows): Jason Heyward, OF, Cubs
5.10 (Loudmouth): Carlos Gomez, OF, Astros

Cocky: "Your team stinks, dude."

Loudmouth: "DEFENDING CHAMP! Right here! From the 10-spot! And you guys stuck me with it again, total bias!"

Tristan: "The rules say the winner picks last! Suck it up ..."

[The doorbell rings; the pizza order has arrived.]

Tristan: "OK, good timing. Ten-minute break, then Loudmouth kicks off Round 6."

Post-pizza break: The early-to-mid rounds

[Round 6 begins, with pizza all around except for Party Time; he has a slice remaining on his plate, but he also ordered a large chicken parmesan sandwich and a chocolate fudge sundae, which are sitting off to the side.]

6.1 (Loudmouth): Zack Greinke, SP, Diamondbacks
6.2 (Puppy Dogs & Rainbows): Miguel Sano, DH, Twins

Puppy Dogs & Rainbows: "I changed my mind, Sano wins the home run crown, 51-50 over Bryant."

Party Time: [realizing his ice cream is quickly melting] "Hey, do you mind if I stick this in the freezer upstairs for a few?"

Tristan: "Sure, but you're up in four picks, so can you make yours and then do it?"

Party Time: "Oh, OK, yeah."

The remainder of Round 6: Nelson Cruz, Chris Archer, Lorenzo Cain, Kyle Seager, Adam Jones, Matt Carpenter, Sonny Gray, Ryan Braun.

Round 7: Brian Dozier, Prince Fielder, Jacoby Ellsbury ...

7.4 (Party Time): Adam Wainwright, SP, Cardinals

Party Time: "Team theme! I'm going to keeping taking guys I follow on Twitter." [Party Time feverishly types on his phone.]

The remainder of Round 7: Freddie Freeman, Noah Syndergaard, Eric Hosmer, Jon Lester, Kyle Schwarber, Kenley Jansen.

Party Time: "Adam Wainwright just tweeted me back. He said, 'Seventh round?! Check the stats. I'm way better than that.' See, boys, I drafted me a gamer!"

Cocky: "Congratulations, you drafted David Eckstein."

Round 8: Corey Seager, Francisco Lindor, Michael Brantley, Adrian Beltre, Felix Hernandez, Matt Kemp, Craig Kimbrel, Johnny Cueto, Wade Davis, David Ortiz.

Round 9: Yasiel Puig, Ian Kinsler, Aroldis Chapman, Trevor Rosenthal, Zach Britton, Albert Pujols, Cody Allen, Rougned Odor, Marcus Stroman, Danny Salazar.

Round 10: Gregory Polanco, Mark Melancon, Anthony Rendon, Christian Yelich, Cole Hamels, David Peralta, Adam Eaton, Brian McCann, Ken Giles, Jeurys Familia.

The middle rounds

11.1 (Newbie): Billy Hamilton, OF, Reds

Cocky: "That's a terrible pick. He's awful."

Newbie: "Yeah, but he's fast. I've got steals in the bag. Definitely wanted to get some legs faster than mine on my squad."

Cocky: "Dude, I've watched you run at softball. The two-ton grizzly bear who just climbed out of the molasses pool is faster than you."

Geeky: "You do realize that grizzly bears run faster than humans? Especially one more than twice its typical size."

Cocky: "Then go draft one!"

The remainder of Round 11: Ben Revere, David Robertson, Hunter Pence, Elvis Andrus, Jason Kipnis, Tyson Ross, Garrett Richards ...

11.9 (Puppy Dogs & Rainbows): Maikel Franco, 3B, Phillies

Puppy Dogs & Rainbows: "Major league-leading seven homers and 18 RBIs this spring!"

Homer: "Congrats on your fantasy Grapefruit League championship."

Brandon Belt concludes Round 11, then Round 12: Kole Calhoun, Masahiro Tanaka, Carlos Martinez, Jonathan Lucroy, Hanley Ramirez, Corey Dickerson, Ian Desmond, Brett Gardner, Michael Wacha, Evan Longoria.

Round 13: Francisco Liriano, DJ LeMahieu, Michael Pineda ...

Party Time: "I'll take Ian Kinsler."

The room: [in unison] "Gone!"

Party Time: "Jason Kipnis?"

The room: [growing more frustrated] "GONE!"

Party Time: "OK, what second basemen are still available? I need one."

Tristan: "Kolten Wong's the highest-ranked second baseman in the ESPN rankings ..."

Loudmouth: "Don't help him! Make him do his own homewo ..."

Party Time: [interrupting] "Daniel Murphy? Is he still there?"

Tristan: "Yes. Yours. Done. Next?"

Round 13 continues: Raisel Iglesias, Jordan Zimmermann ...

Cocky: "OK, I'll take Kolten Wong. Thanks Party Time!" [Party Time tips his cap, and offers Cocky a beer, but Cocky declines.]

Party Time: "Oh, man, I forgot to put my ice cream in the freezer!" [His sundae has entirely melted. He shrugs, removes the spoon and drinks it, in one gulp.]

The remainder of Round 13: Lucas Duda, Steven Matz, Shin-Soo Choo.

Round 14: Jeff Samardzija, Randal Grichuk, Billy Burns, Hector Rondon, Ben Zobrist, Jose Quintana, Salvador Perez, Mark Teixeira, Brandon Crawford, Jonathan Papelbon.

Homer: "UGH! Really?!"

Newbie: "Yeah, why not? He's got more than 300 career saves. He's a great pick this late."

Homer: "Hey, your team's funeral. I'd never draft that guy."

Round 15: Justin Verlander, Drew Smyly, Luis Severino, A.J. Ramos, Mike Moustakas, Neil Walker, Curtis Granderson, Stephen Piscotty, Byung Ho Park, Kendrys Morales.

On-the-Go: "Guys, I gotta run. Tristan, can you handle the rest of my picks?"

Tristan: "I'd rather not, but ..."

On-the-Go: "OK, thanks! Good luck this season guys!" [He swiftly exits.]

Homer: "Can we give him all of the injured players from the AL East? It's only fair."

The final rounds: the highlights

Round 16: Francisco Rodriguez, Taijuan Walker, Jake Odorizzi, Hisashi Iwakuma, Huston Street, Khris Davis, Evan Gattis, Dellin Betances, Jay Bruce, Dustin Pedroia.

Round 17: Gio Gonzalez, Scott Kazmir, Andrew Miller, James Shields, Jake McGee, Brad Ziegler, Patrick Corbin, Carlos Santana, Addison Russell, Kevin Pillar.

Round 18: Russell Martin, Delino DeShields, Shawn Tolleson, Josh Harrison, Jung Ho Kang, Yordano Ventura, Matt Duffy, Starlin Castro, Brett Lawrie, John Lackey.

Round 19: Ketel Marte, Shelby Miller, Mark Trumbo ...

19.4 (Party Time): Joc Pederson, OF, Dodgers

Cocky: "PERFECT fit. His 2015 pretty much matches your team -- amazing start, complete mess for the rest."

The remainder of Round 19: Devin Mesoraco, Julio Teheran, Dexter Fowler, Michael Conforto, Drew Storen, Logan Forsythe.

Round 20: Collin McHugh, Carlos Rodon, Jaime Garcia, Victor Martinez, Yadier Molina, Mike Fiers, Alcides Escobar, Alex Rodriguez, Travis d'Arnaud, Alex Gordon.

Round 21: Sean Doolittle, Kyle Hendricks, Carlos Beltran, Josh Reddick, Anthony DeSclafani, Ender Inciarte, Pedro Alvarez, Wei-Yin Chen, Yu Darvish, Kenta Maeda.

Round 22: Glen Perkins, Jorge Soler, Nick Castellanos, Aaron Nola, Anibal Sanchez, Jonathan Villar, Santiago Casilla, Didi Gregorius, Mike Leake, Ryan Zimmerman.

Round 23: David Wright, Alex Wood, Gerardo Parra, Trevor Bauer, Joe Ross, Matt Wieters, Steve Cishek, Roberto Osuna, Wil Myers, Melky Cabrera.

Round 24: Andrew Heaney, Kevin Gausman, Jeremy Jeffress, Brad Miller, Jose Reyes, Marcell Ozuna, Hyun Soo Kim, Aaron Hicks, Steven Souza Jr., Matt Holliday.

Round 25: Lance McCullers, Erick Aybar, Aaron Judge ...

Party Time: "I'm up? Geez, I dunno ... who was that guy Geeky mentioned earlier?"

Tristan: "Tyler Naquin?"

Party Time: "Yeah, he's good. I'll take him."

Round 25 continues: Arodys Vizcaino, Justin Bour, Brandon Phillips, Stephen Vogt ...

25.9 (Puppy Dogs & Rainbows): Byron Buxton, OF, Twins

Puppy Dogs & Rainbows: [sings to the tune of Bow Wow Wow's "I Want Candy"] "BY-RON BUX-TON OH YEAH!" [He breaks into a little dance.]

Lazy: [quietly, to Party Time] "You, uh, been sharing your brew?"

[Party Time quietly chuckles.]

Loudmouth: "And, to conclude the 2016 draft, Mr. Irrelevant and the anchor to my championship roster ..."

25.10 (Loudmouth): Jarrod Dyson, OF, Royals

Cocky: "He's an anchor all right ..."

Loudmouth: "When can we start making add/drops?"

Cocky: "Yeah, your team's gonna need 'em."

Team rosters