Masters in English

Scott Van Pelt and Ryen Russillo examine the always-affable, never-boring Brits

Updated: July 16, 2014, 9:43 PM ET
ESPN The Magazine

The British Open (July 17-20) is nigh! So what better time to brush up on the Brits? And who better to share their infinite wisdom than Scott Van Pelt and Ryen Russillo? You're welcome, America.

SVP: OK, Brits ... they fascinate me.
RR: Yeah, but if you put a map in front of me and say "Pick out Great Britain, Scotland, parts of Ireland" ... I just don't know. What's Leeds?
S: No clue.
R: Wales?
S: No idea.
R: That's an island, I think.


S: So they have these biscuits -- these digestive biscuits -- that are fantastic.
R: To do what? To help you digest?
S: It's just a better name for a cookie. It's what you eat after you've eaten.
R: Is it a better name?
S: No, it just makes it seem like it's not a treat. It's a digestive biscuit.


S: The English are intriguing, because as far as sports go, they don't win anything. I mean heck, they adopted Murray.
R: Tim? The new GM of the Sabres?
S: What?!? No ... Andy!
R: For Wimbledon?
S: Suuuuure! He's a Scot, but they're happy to claim him. Gotta take what they can get.


R: So here's a question -- who's more mad: Boston Guy, Philly Guy ... or the Brit?
S: It isn't close. The Brits are so much more proper. Boston Guy, Philly Guy ... they don't have those over there. At least I've never seen them.
R: But that's kind of where they come from, so I just thought it all started there.
S: That was a long time ago on a boat, man.


R: Brits just all seem so aggressive and mad. And they all look out of shape.
S: But none of them are really fat. You never see just a morbidly obese person over there, which is incredible because they fry butter and eat it, wrapped in bacon -- and then they make a smoothie out of it with mayonnaise.
R: And you know what they do then? They have those digestive biscuits.

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Illustrations by Kagan McLeod

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