Ah, Hollywood, the dream factory, land of sunshine and stars, silicone and liposuction, where opportunity waits on the corner of pipe and dream, a broken heart for every… ah, whatever. The 10th annual ESPY Awards went Hollywood last night, and we were there, basking in the glow at the nexus of sports and culture. Truly, one for the books. (Well, online books, anyway.)

1:30 p.m. -- Media (that's us) arrives. Droves of ESPY Awards enthusiasts are already sitting in the bleachers overlooking the red carpet. No confirmation yet on how long they've been there, cooking on the hottest day of summer. Estimates range from "two hours" to "longer than the geeks who camped out to see Attack of the Clones at Grauman's Chinese Theatre."

4:00 -- How blurry has the line between entertainment and sports become? E Entertainment Network commandeered our own Stuart Scott to provide commentary. Entertainment Tonight, The Tonight Show, and Access Hollywood occupy prominent spaces in press row.

4:10 -- The first celebrity to chat up emcee Chris Connolly is Indy winner Helio Castroneves. (A review of the tape confirms he was passed illegally by an over-anxioius seat filler.)

4:36 -- The ESPY Awards provide a great deal of mystery. Can you choose between Shaq and Tiger? How did Shane Battier manage to get nominated in the "Best Male College Athlete" category after finishing his rookie season with the Memphis Grizzlies? "I'm the Strom Thurmond of college basketball," Battier quips. "Seems like I was there forever." Eric Crouch is still stinging from his gate-side rebuff at Hef's pre-party. He missed his ride and showed up late in a cab with his girlfriend. No dice. "I guess you had to come in a shuttle bus with everybody else." That's one rookie mistake he won't make again.

5:15 -- Sports Makes Strange Bedfellows, Vol. I.: The Rookie, Dennis Quaid stands side-by-side with funk legend Bootsy Collins, as Alexei Yashin and Carol Alt linger nearby.

5:55 -- Five minutes from the live broadcast. With time stretched tighter than Joan Rivers' face, athletes and stars are hustled into the Kodak Theatre. Media are shuffled into the press room, awaiting visits from winners.

6:45 -- Comeback Athlete of the Year Jennifer Capriati carries her trophy through the gauntlet of cameras and questions. Despite playing huge matches on a worldwide stage, Capriati found the process of accepting her ESPY intimidating. "I didn't really look at anybody," she said. "I was really nervous. It was harder in a lot of ways than playing tennis." No surprise. The ESPY Award is not just a big honor, it's a big trophy. Huge, actually. Like the World Cup on steroids. Barry Bonds might use his ESPY to take a few warm-up cuts.

7:40 -- Sports Makes Strange Bedfellows, Vol. II: As Wayne Gretzky prepares to meet the press, actor Tom Sizemore, having just delivered a treatise on 20th century sports history, leaps back on the dais to apologize to The Great One for never learning to skate. Sizemore subsequently bearhugs every athlete he can find, and snags a sandwich off the plate of an ESPN.com staffer before finally (thankfully) leaving the room.

7:55 -- Clearly, the ESPY Awards are superior to the Oscars, if only because they're ending on time. With five minutes left before the 11:00 p.m EST SportsCenter, host Samuel L. Jackson is winding things down.

8:40 -- Jackson wraps up the final press conference of the night. The evening is over ... or is it? "Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin'!" yells musical guest Snoop Dogg as he spies Chris Berman across the room. The two exchange a hug and handshake that simultaneously qualifies for Sports Makes Strange Bedfellows, Vol. III, and a new category: NFL Primetime Team We'd Pay to Watch. They could … go … all … the … way!

Andy and Brian Kamenetzky are frequent contributors to ESPN The Magazine.