"There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"
-- Elaine Dickinson, from Airplane (1980)

That's a joke, all right? And don't tell me you're not in the mood for jokes this morning, just because the U.S. got it's second dose of butt-whuppin' in World Cup qualifying Wednesday night, losing 2-0 to Costa Rica on the road just three days after a 3-2 home loss to Honduras at RFK Stadium (aka San Pedro Sula).

Bottom line here: The U.S. probably has to beat Jamaica and Trinidad & Tobago to get to the World Cup. If the Yanks cannot do that, well, I don't even want them taking up valuable TV airtime in 2002.

That's called cutting to the chase.

This part of qualifying, the Hexagonal, is 10 games for a reason -- to give the teams that deserve to go to the World Cup the best chance to qualify. Maybe the U.S. felt some sense of entitlement after starting out with four wins and a draw in its first five games. If they did, they paid for it, losing the last three. Now, the U.S. men have two games to win back the berth they feel rightfully belongs to them.

Either they deserve to go or they don't. But there is no entitlement here. Not after the resounding defeats suffered in the last two matches. I'm not sure 3-2 and 2-0 scorelines do justice to how badly the U.S. was outplayed in these two games. In the aftermath, I'm left searching for a single player who performed well in these games. Thus far, my search has been futile. Okay, I can't fault goalkeeper Brad Friedel for either defeat, but of the field players, I cannot name a single player who should feel good about his game.

Have injuries to Clint Mathis, Josh Wolff, Claudio Reyna and others hurt the U.S.? Of course, but truth be told, the U.S. wasn't exactly steam-rolling their CONCACAF opponents with those guys in the lineup. They were, as they say, "getting results." In their 2-0 win over Mexico, the U.S. cashed in on a brutal bit of goalkeeping by Jorge Campos to turn a game that had 0-0 written all over it into a victory. In the 1-0 win over Costa Rica, they got a fortuitous bounce on a corner kick that led to a garbage goal for Wolff. In their 2-1 win at Honduras, they scored two goals without creating a single chance in the run of play.

I could spin the story to "missing an opportunity at home" last Saturday at RFK, or "not getting the job done" on the road, but the U.S. got absolutely waxed in these games. Spinning it any other way would be unfair to Honduras and Costa Rica. In the first game, the U.S. paid the price for being too aggressive and impatient. In the second, they were punished for being too defensive.

From here, I say the U.S. players should be feeling pretty darn lucky they're entering these last two games with 13 points and any shot at all. Had the U.S. not gotten a few breaks in the first half of the Hexagonal, the defeat at Saprissa Stadium Wednesday night could well have been a final nail in the coffin. Instead, all they have to do is beat the worst two teams in the group, Jamaica and T&T, to go the World Cup.

And like I said, if the U.S. cannot do that, who wants to watch them in the World Cup anyway?

Pub Talk

· I've read a lot of e-mails, people calling for Bruce Arena's head, but from where I sit I see more of a talent problem than a coaching problem. And don't go throwing the "we spend X amount of dollars to develop players" jive at me. Can't you see that's part of the problem? That we have to spend money?

· Why Europe may not be the answer for American soccer players in four words or less: Jovan Kirovski. Tony Sanneh.

· On my milk carton at the breakfast table this morning: Frankie Hejduk.

· This has nothing to do with soccer, but for the second time in my life, I've fallen in love with Icees.

· Wondering if KC still wants David Regis at the max?

· The fact that Jamaica has nothing to play for on October 7 makes me think the U.S. has more to worry about than they would if Jamaica was fighting for a berth. And a game at Port of Spain on November 11 ... let's just say I hope God doesn't put the sun in Friedel's eyes this time around.

· Why do I get the feeling that DC United is having a lot more fun these days without Marco Etcheverry on the field?

· Today, I'd like to officially re-name Columbus Crew Stadium "U.S. National Stadium." Playing in Foxboro on the postage stamp-sized pitch on Oct. 7 is not a good idea. Not a good idea at all.

· By the way, last year I dissed C-bus fans for not filling the seats at Crew Stadium often enough. Well, this year, you've shown me you are for real. A 17,500 average -- 20k, 17k, 19k and 24k in your last four home games. MLS investors take note, this is not normal ... attendance is not supposed to go up in the third year of a new stadium. Get some more of these joints built, now!

Jeff Bradley is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at jeff.bradley@espnmag.com.