That headline is not a reference to my favorite hash brown order at the Waffle HoU.S.e, but rather to my insides right now. Those of you who watched World Cup soccer from 7:30 till 9:30 a.m. ET Friday morning know what I'm talking about. It's also a reference to how I'm going to serve up this Boot Room.

My positive (bizarro) spin: I've decided to live my U.S. World Cup experience in reverse. It all started with this embarrassing 3-1 loss to Poland. Man, this is what none of U.S. wanted to see.

First of all, the U.S. gives up a goal on Poland's first corner kick. As if that's unlucky enough, less than a minute later the U.S. scores an apparent equalizer, but Landon Donovan is whistled for a dubioU.S. foul and the goal is disallowed. D'oh! Now, the U.S. looks like a bunch of college kids and Poland races to the other end and promptly makes it a 2-0 game.

	When you lose, this haircut just looks dumb.

Could there be a worse scenario for the Yanks? They get behind 3-0 before pulling one goal back for the final margin. The boys get slammed by the press, ridiculed for such a poor opening to the Cup. Is this going to be '98 all over again?

On to Game 2 against South Korea. The U.S. gets badly outplayed in the opening 25, but Clint Mathis scores a pretty goal to give the U.S. a 1-0 lead. Brad Friedel does all he can to make Mathis' goal stand up, including stopping a penalty kick, but Korea ties the game late and the U.S. walks off the field with one point and mU.S.t now beat Portugal (yeah, right) to advance.

And now, as Jack Buck once said, I can't believe what I jU.S.t saw. The U.S. scored on its first corner to take a 1-0 lead on Portugal. Then, the craziest bounce anyone's ever seen, a Donovan cross deflects off the back of a Portuguese defender's head and into the goal from a wild angle. A Brian McBride header off a sweet cross from Tony Sanneh, and the U.S. has an incredible 3-0 lead on Portugal in a match that will decide who advances to the round of 16!

Some scary moments over the final hour, but the U.S. hangs on, wins 3-2 over Portugal and this impossible dream has come true! Who's ripping the Americans now? Were these guys clutch or what?

My negative spin: Jeez, how can the U.S. come out in the biggest game it has ever played in a World Cup and spit the bit? Did anyone tell these chickens with their heads cut off that all they needed was a draw to advance?

I turn on a World Cup game and and an early-season MLS game breaks out! All this talk about "coming out with an attacking mindset." Will you all jU.S.t shut up, please? The U.S. needed to keep the ball out of its net today more than it needed to score goals. There's no reason this match should've started out so frantic and the U.S. will rue the day if it doesn't come out with more poise against Mexico.

Jeff Agoos, you've become a scapegoat and you don't deserve as much blame as you've gotten for the goals the U.S. has allowed ... but your World Cup experience should now be over. Time to give someone else a shot in the center of the defense, if only to change the karma back there and get the spotlight off you and your bad haircut.

My realistic spin: I said it after Game 1 when the U.S. was feeling so good about itself after beating Portugal. There were 180 minutes left to play, and plenty of good and bad things were going to happen. Was I right, or what?

Be thankful the good outweighed the bad for the Yanks. Remember Friedel saving that PK against South Korea (never forget it's a save for Friedel but a miss for the guy who struck the ball)? Remember that sitter the Koreans missed in the final moments of that match? Sure, Donovan's goal against Poland could've stood, but wasn't it about time a break went against the U.S.?

Of course, the U.S. would get paid back in spades with Portugal losing its head, getting two players sent off. And if you didn't do like me and turn off the U.S. game at the 60-minute mark, you may have seen Portugal's Nuno Gomes whiff on a chance from four yards out that would've been easier to finish than to miss. You'd also have seen Sergio Conceicao hit the inside of the post ... while South Korea missed two breakaways on the other end! What a rollercoaster.

My 15 cents worth: DaMarcU.S. Beasley mU.S.t start, more for what he does on the defensive end than what he brings to the U.S. attack ... At the risk of pumping the Chicago Fire players too much, I'll refrain from saying Josh Wolff deserves a start against Mexico, but let's not forget that cold night in ColumbU.S. when Wolff scored one and assisted on another against El Tri ... May the U.S. never be "favored" in a World Cup match again ... There's nothing wrong with saying that luck has been on the U.S. side in this World Cup. It's been on the side of many teams who are still alive, and it's been on the opposite side of many who've gone home. That's soccer, don't take offense to it ... The U.S. can be thankful that South Korea is not a "sophisticated" (a.k.a. European) soccer country. You know a Euro team would've taken the draw and moved on rather than play for the win ... I picked a Portugal-Argentina final and I jU.S.t want to say, "Psych!" ... Here's my backline for Mexico -- right to left -- Tony Sanneh, Eddie Pope, Greg Berhalter, DaMarcU.S. Beasley ... my midfield: Landon Donovan, Claudio Reyna, Pablo Mastroeni, John O'Brien ... My forwards: Clint Mathis and Josh Wolff ... Note the key word in that lineup is that it's my lineup, not Bruce Arena's ... My favorite line from a World Cup commercial: "Dude, a lot, there's like two jU.S.t for volleyball." ... I got my first wish granted: The U.S. played exciting soccer (for two games anyway) in the first round ... And you (the majority of E-mailers) got your first wish: They advanced. So, we can all be happy ... Finally, I know this is probably way too complicated for the mainstreamers to gather -- I fully expect the U.S. team to get slammed for "backing in" to the second round, but last time I checked, Group Play was about a three-game season.

Jeff Bradley is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at jeff.bradley@espnmag.com.