Technically, my name is Phalange. You can call me Mr. Phalange. Now, I don't want to step on any toes, but before this interview begins let's get a few things straight: The shades stay on, the bodyguards remain in the room and any questions about fungus, the ingrown toenail incident from 1983, the rumors of nail polish or my failed business venture with Thorlo and -- poof -- I walk.

As Eddie George's big toe, I can do that, ya know.

Now, the reason I have agreed to sit down with you for this interview is that I want to set the record straight before speculation begins to run rampant on my status. As you know, I was operated on during the offseason and had a ligament repaired, which caused the NFL player attached to me to sit out for most of the summer and three of the four preseason games.

As a former Heisman Trophy winner at Ohio State and now only the second running back in NFL history to rush for 1,200 yards in each of his first five seasons, let's face it, Eddie George is the best running back on what many still consider the best team in the NFL.

Which means one thing: You could make the argument that the entire 2001 NFL season rests on, well ... me and my big, funny-looking nail.

Right now, I guess, I truly am the Sergeant Hulka of the NFL. And I think I speak for all big toes when I say, it's about freakin' time. I'm tired of only being acknowledged when the leg of the coffee table gets in the way. And as big toes we're all sick and tired of going to the market. For once I want to have roast beef, at Spago, baby!

Knees, necks, shoulders, come on -- they're all hacks and wimps and lightweights. The thumb? O-ver-rat-ed. After all, you don't elbow the line or heel the line, right? No. You toe the line. So after I lead Eddie and the Titans back to the Super Bowl this year, I want players to stop tossing their wristbands and gloves into the stands and start celebrating after big games by ripping off their socks and heaving them at fans.

What? It's the other toes that stink, man, everyone knows that. You think I'm joking with you? Do I amuse you in some way? Ask yourself this, smarty pants: How has Deion been since he hurt his big toe?

Yes, Eddie looked rusty and tentative in Week One against the Dolphins, and he gained a measly 49 yards on 18 carries, but it wasn't my fault. Like they say, he just wasn't on his toes. But I gave him my full support.

Now listen to me and listen very carefully. I am not swollen. I am not sore. I am not causing him any pain. I'm not injured. I'm fine. "I'm just not gonna use that as a way out," I heard Eddie say after the 31-23 loss to the Dolphins. "We have a lot of work to do. [Starting the season] can be like trying to start an engine that you haven't used for a while. You gotta clean out the cobwebs."

See? You saw for yourself after the game, Eddie has more tape on his fingers then he does on me. He didn't even need to ice me afterward. And when he walked out in his stocking feet to hug his son and eat a turkey sandwich, the little tyke bounced up and down on me and Eddie never even winced.

But, hey, Connie Chung, don't take my word for it, listen to Titans coach Jeff Fisher. "Eddie is fine, physically," he said last Monday at the team's training facility. "As far as our running game goes we had breakdowns everywhere, wide receiver, tight ends, offensive line, backs and play calling, it was a total breakdown. Some of it was Eddie. He didn't press the hole a few times and he was looking for home runs instead of 4-5 yard gain."

You see? He didn't say anything about me. I'm fine. Eddie will be fine as soon as he shakes off the rust. And wherever he goes this season, as his big toe, I will lead him there.

Now this interview is over.

I'm off to get a pedicure and then have lunch with Anne Heche.

David Fleming is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail flemfile@aol.com.