He looked much fatter than I remembered. And I would have figured a man of his incredible wealth and prestige could do better than the upper deck of the east end zone in the Pontiac Silverdome.

But there he was on Sunday -- ladies and gentlemen, The King! -- all decked out in a four-sizes-too-small white polyester jumpsuit that was stretched so thin and under so much pressure it was fraying at the seams -- which, if you think about it, is kinda like what's happening to the 0-6 Detroit Lions right now.

Twenty-three seconds into the game, after Bengals back Corey Dillon had raced, untouched, 96 yards for a TD, Elvis responded in a way that assured me this was not some guy dressed up early for Halloween. He flapped his red silk cape in disgust, fiddled with his gold-rimmed shades and nearly pulled out fistfuls of his mushroom-cloud pompadour.

Then, while leaning against the railing he let out a giant ... yawn ... and one could only imagine what was going through The King's head at that very moment:

Boy, that AstroTurf would look good in my living room.

Nope ...

You think the concession folks would deep-fry a Snickers for me?

That's not it ...

Back in the '50s I was the king of music and the Lions were the three-time kings of football. I drove all the way from Kalamazoo for this? Could someone please tell me what the hell happened to this team?

Viva Las Vegas--you got it!

It would be my pleasure to explain the Lions' sorry state to you, Big E, but I must warn you it's gonna be as painful as re-watching Blue Hawaii.

You see, the Lions, who are 0-6 for the first time in 46 years, could very well end up needing a win against Dallas in the season finale to avoid becoming the first NFL team to go 0-16.

In a nutshell, Barry Sanders retired and Bobby Ross quit and the Lions' answer was to hire Matt Millen, who has as much front office experience as I do. Millen's answer was to then hire Marty Mornhinweg, who has as much pro head coaching experience as I do. And Mornhinweg's answer was to use the West Coast offense with a quarterback who has as much experience with it as I do.

Now, Elvis, most quarterbacks get four years to learn this complicated and verbose system, but when the gifted Charlie Batch struggled after four whole quarters Mornhinweg yanked him and thus established the sense of panic, confusion, anger and finger-pointing that has been festering inside the Lions locker room for six weeks.

Mix in a long list of injuries and a defense so timid they should be forced to drink out of juice boxes during timeouts instead of water bottles and -- voila! -- Heartbreak Hotel. You remember that TV shot a few weeks back of Millen celebrating wildly in his luxury box against the Vikings? Well, I think he had just gotten word from his lawyer that there was an escape clause in his contract.

"I look at it like this," says DB Ron Rice. "Even if we win next week we'll be 1-6 ... and that's horrible."

Just like the entire season, Sunday's game against the Bengals was one long string of blue-suede buffoonery. After five minutes of play, fans were booing from inside their brown paper bags and chanting "Let's Go Red Wings!" A little while later two Detroit DBs collided like crash-test dummies, taking each other out of the play and allowing Bengals wideout Darnay Scott to waltz into the end zone to make it 21-6.

Trying to mount a late comeback, fullback Corey Schlesinger dropped a sure first down that hit him in the numbers, and tackle Aaron Gibson, with a physique that would make you, Elvis, hit the stairmaster, stalled a drive with a personal foul penalty (the team's 52nd flag of the season) that was surpassed in stupidity only by Terry Fair's taunting penalty in Week 5. Taunting?

Give Mornhinweg credit, he yanked Gibson after the play, and then released him on Tuesday. The hound-dog look on his face after the game -- imagine someone at the very moment they realize they forgot to take the winning Super Lotto ticket out of their pants before throwing them in the wash -- said he wished he could sit the whole team down.

"I look around and I think, 'We've got problems, yes we do.' We have to address them," said Rice. "Things start to snowball in this situation."

Rice grew up in Detroit, so he should be familiar with the Motor City Kitties' infamous futility. (The team started 4-0 in 1980, released a music/rap video titled Another One Bites the Dust and then went 5-7 the rest of the way and missed the playoffs.)

"I was always a fan of the Lions," he said. "But one thing the fans don't see is how close we are to winning. That's what pushes me on. That's why I roll out of bed with broken bones and stretched ligaments and keep on fighting. I just think, 'One day, one day we're gonna get one.' "

Yeah, sure, that'll happen. And Elvis lives.

David Fleming is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at flemfile@aol.com.