Greetings and welcome to my Star Power Seminar for NFL Tight Ends.

It's great to see everyone here -- however, my assistant tells me that you all showed up sober and an hour early in order to sign autographs and help set up the chairs. Except for Frank Wycheck of the Tennessee Titans who, I'm told, was delayed helping some old ladies across the street and was therefore only able to arrive sober and a half-hour early.

Shame on you, troublemaker.

"Sorry 'bout that."

Come on Frank, I'm joking.

Good lord, do I have my work cut out with you people. Now, we all know why your agents sent you here for my seminar. YOU'RE STARS, BIG-BIG-BACKSTREET-BOYS-BIG NFL STARS, AND IT'S MY JOB TO MAKE SURE YOU ALL START ACTING LIKE IT.

In other words, you tight ends gotta quit with the tight ends.

I mean, the ludicrously loquacious Shannon Sharpe, who I might add successfully completed my course several years ago, is about to surpass his boss, former Brown and current Raven GM Ozzie Newsome, to become the all-time NFL tight end leader in catches and receiving yards. And he's handling it with the kind of aplomb only this course could teach.

"When I was growing up, I wanted to be Ozzie Newsome," Shannon has said. "So I can't think of a better place to play because I see the guy every single day. And he can see me every single day as I break his records."

That's beautiful. Brings a tear to my eyes, fellas. The rest of you need to ride this rare wave of good tight end PR.

Shannon once bet a teammate a Mercedes. Last year he promised to retire if Marvin Lewis didn't get a head coaching job. He now leads the Ravens in catches. Just like good-guy Tony Gonzalez in K.C. And Frank in Tennessee.

In fact, this is the sixth year in a row that Frank has led the Titans in catches. Frank started the play that became the Music City Miracle, he's the guy who usually seals off the defensive end or steamrolls the 'backer when Eddie George breaks a big one, and he's completed 100% of his passes in the NFL.

"But I've only made four throws!"

See Frank, that's what I'm talking about. You have to stop acting like the guy who got cut by the Redskins and signed off waivers for a hundred bucks in 1995 and mix in a little Dennis Rodman, a little Neon Deion, a little Mark Chmura ... uh ... scratch that last one.

Yes? Okay, go ahead, Frank, say your piece:

"Well, I'm just not the kind of guy who is gonna talk about myself. I'm a regular guy. A lot of us tight ends are. I don't play the star role too well."

Get out Frank. Get out of my seminar. YOU SEE, THIS IS WHY THERE ARE ONLY THREE FREAKIN' TIGHT ENDS IN THE HALL OF FAME!

"I've just been taught by my parents to never get too high an opinion of yourself."

You are hopeless Frank, hopeless. Why don't you go rescue a cat out of a tree or something?

Listen up you guys -- Frank, Tony, Kyle Brady of Jacksonville, Mark Bruener of Pittsburgh, Freddie Jones of San Diego, Wesley Walls of Carolina, Anthony Becht with the Jets, Dave Moore of Tampa, Chad Lewis of Philly and Stephen Alexander of D.C. -- I understand where Frank's coming from. There was a time, not too long ago, when tight ends were the right fielders of the NFL: too small to be blockers, too big to be wideouts, too slow to be running backs.

But now, the only thing cooler than being a Chicago Bear is being a tight end. Some teams covet tight ends so much they play two of you guys! You're so hip you've made fullbacks obsolete!

Sure, the NFL sees you as boring, interchangeable, vanilla, lunch-pail goodie-two-shoes doofuses. But you have to start seeing yourselves as Kyle Turley clones -- with decent haircuts and clutch hands, of course.

Maybe what you need are nicknames, like The Wizard of Oz or Iron Mike. Only Damon Jones in Jacksonville has a decent nickname. He goes by Big Sofa (or Sofa to his friends ... or Sofer to his friends in the deep South.) And it's no coincidence that of his 41 career catches, 11 have been for TDs. Sofa, you go to the head of the class.

Or how about some new touchdown celebrations? Most of you just hand it to the ref! COME ON. Now, Wesley, you used to do that shotgun, duck-hunting thing after TDs. Wesley, you've been to four Pro Bowls. You make the shotgun a flame-thrower and I'll book the flights to Hawaii, baby!

"Well I guess people like the fact that tight ends are so versatile now, it gives defenses fits."

HEY FRANK. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE.

"We are the quarterbacks' safety valve. We have to have receiving skills, we have to be able to go work on a linebacker and work in the trenches with the linemen or fly down the middle of the field to stretch a defense. I guess that's pretty huge ..."

There we go, FRANK. Atta baby, KEEP GOING!

"But is it cool to be a tight end now in the NFL? Well gosh, I don't know. It's nice."

NICE! NICE? HAVE YOU HEARD A WORD I'VE SAID?

For cripe's sake, you guys are hopeless. I give up. Get outta here.

Oh, before you go ... please send the punters in.

David Fleming is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at flemfile@aol.com.