The nightmare always starts out the same. I'm in my Jackson 5 pajamas, of course, sitting in what looks like a press box. In front of me is my high school principal, dressed like Marilyn Manson, constantly turning around to remind me that graduation is tomorrow and I'm still several credits short. To my right sits Billy Packer. To my left, Billy Packer. Behind me, an entire row of Carson Dalys. I glance down at my credential, almost too scared to look.

Oh god, please ... not the MLS!

Instead it says, February 3, 2002: The NFL and Shreveport, La., Welcome You to the Toilet Bowl.

"Everyone else at ESPN is in New Orleans," whispers Billy. "But you were specially selected to cover the Toilet Bowl -- a game between the 0-16 Detroit Lions and the 1-15 Carolina Panthers to determine, once and for all, the worst team in the league."

Neither team averages more than 18 points per game. The Panthers rush for a league-worst 76 yards per game and have lost on seven Sundays by a combined 17 points. The Lions? They're minus-10 in turnovers and have lost nine games by a combined 38 points.

"Well," I say, "this should be a doozy."

"Duh," says Billy in stereo. "It's a nightmare."

John Tesh finishes up his pre-game tribute to Carrot-Top, and the Lions begin the game with an on-side kick that hits Panther wideout Muhsin Muhammad right in the numbers. He drops it. Then picks it up and races 45 yards for a TD. It's 7-0 Carolina and Muhammad is now the leading candidate for the Toilet Bowl MVP and in line to win a gilded toilet-bowl scrubber, the keys to my family's wood-paneled Ford LTD station wagon and unrestricted free agent status.

Early in the second quarter, Lions coach Marty Mornhinweg benches QB Charlie Batch. Then he does the same to Ty Detmer, Mike McMahon, Chuck Long, Greg Landry and Rodney Peete before settling on Eric Hipple -- who is picked off by Panther DB Doug Evans. Carolina converts and goes up 14-0 at the half. Big deal. The Panthers, ranked last in total defense and total offense, have blown nine halftime leads in '01.

Hmmm. According to my watch, the first half of this nightmare matchup took exactly .. uh ... 47 days. But, somehow, the semi-growth on Carson's face remains perfect. The halftime meal is a sampling of White Castle's new experimental line of sushi. And instead of the usual game stats provided by NFL PR folks, I am handed in order, a copy of a Reggie White sermon; a blank piece of paper with the title: "Deion Sanders' greatest NFL tackles" across the top; and an eight-page To Do list, from my wife, starting right when the season ends.

I'm reading No. 82 on the list -- cut yard with kitchen scissors -- when the halftime show, featuring O-Town's tribute to Poison, wraps up and the teams prepare for kickoff.

Thanks to five clutch catches for 27 yards and six tough carries for 48 yards and a score by unsung Lions fullback Cory Schlesinger, Detroit claws to within a TD, 14-7. On the next series Detroit's stud rookie nosetackle Shaun Rogers plants Carolina QB Chris Weinke headfirst like an oak sapling and recovers the fumble at the Panther 22.

Mornhinweg benches Hipple for the Weinke fumble. And Batch connects with Johnnie Morton in the corner of the end zone to tie the game at 14. The pass, however, was not thrown laces up so Batch gets benched in favor of Mel Farr for the extra point.

The tilt remains deadlocked until late in the fourth quarter when injuries force the Lions to play with only 10 men on defense and the ensuing flag (Detroit's league-leading 96th penalty) puts Panther kicker John Kasay at the 28-yard line for what could be the winning field goal with :03 to play.

The snap is perfect.

The hold, flawless.

The kick is up.

It's right down the middle.

End over end.

Does it have the distance?

No.

It falls just short of the cross bar, lands awkwardly and bounces in a high arc back toward the field. Dejected, the Panthers march off the field and toward their locker room to prepare for OT. Kasay sits alone on the turf, head down.

But wait. What's this?

Standing at the 5 watching the final seconds tick off the clock, Lion return man and former Super Bowl MVP Desmond Howard is actually doinked in the back of the head by the bouncing ball. He spins, grabs it and, as per NFL rules, begins to advance the missed field goal up the field, weaving in and out of his own players who don't even realize what's going on.

He's at the 15. The 20. The 25. The 30. The 35. OH MY GOD, he has one man to beat!

Kasay jumps up and heads for Howard. He's got him in his sights. He continues to charge and close the gap. Two more steps and Kasay will be on him. And then… BOOM!

Kasay collides with referee Phil Luckett and Howard trots the final 60 yards untouched and into the end zone where he is mobbed by his teammates. Lions win! Lions win! Lions win!

Kasay is out cold. So is Matt Millen. George Seifert has gone catatonic. Wayne Fontes is hugging me. Why is Wayne Fontes hugging me? Carolina tight end Wesley Walls is complaining to Billy Packer about not getting the ball enough. Howard is in tears. "Congratulations," I say, catching up to him, "you guys just screwed yourselves out of the best possible draft pick."

The sound of 50 champagne bottles popping echoes over the PA system as Lee Roy Selmon and Steve Spurrier and other members of the 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs team that went winless celebrate their ongoing ignominy.

As the nightmare ends, Howard is granting an exclusive interview -- to Carson Daly of course -- when he stops for a minute, looks into the camera and shouts: "I'm going to Dentist World! "

David Fleming is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at flemfile@aol.com.