There used to be five of us Wizards fans, and now there's suddenly five million. You'll be able to tell the real five by the tears of joy rolling down our cheeks this week, but we're glad to have you along anyway -- even if you've never heard of Joe Pace.

It's been 22 years since anyone's paid attention to our franchise, but Michael Jordan has decided to run with us, and that can only mean one thing: WE'RE IN THE LEAGUE AGAIN!

We're usually on national TV once a year -- for the draft lottery -- but now you and the networks will be chronicling our every move, and, trust me, you're going to need a little background.

So, let us re-introduce ourselves and our lineage: We're the Washington Wizards/Washington Bullets/Capitol Bullets/Baltimore Bullets/Chicago Zephyrs/Chicago Packers and God-knows-where-elses, and we don't think we've ever had one of our players pose for a bobble-head doll. We've played exactly one playoff series since 1988, and it lasted about a weekend. The first two times we made the NBA Finals, in '71 and '75, we got swept. We finally did win one, in '78, but most of the playoffs were on tape-delay, and I'll bet you can't name our last man off the bench that year (that's who Joe Pace was).

More recently, we've made a lot of gaffes, as you're well aware. Not to bore you with it all, but we traded Chris Webber for Mitch Richmond, and Rasheed Wallace for Rod Strickland, and if you take both of those back, we're in the Eastern finals or semi-finals the last two years, and Michael's not having his head examined for wanting to play for us.

But all that's moot now, because we are what we are: awful. On the other hand, despite what all the pundits say, we think with the right dose of Jordan, we might be able to pull something together.

So here's the all-important rundown of Michael's newest squad:

Starting Point Guard: In a surprise, some of us believe it should be Richard Hamilton. He can handle the ball shockingly well, and, in limited time at the position in the last two years, he scored at will. And against zones, he will be lethal. The only concern will be the new eight-second rule when it comes to bringing the ball up the court. But as they used to say in junior high, a pass beats a dribble any time. Richard knows this.

Starting Shooting Guard: Courtney Alexander. He is a big-time scorer, and a Jordan favorite. He has an attitude (we hear even Jerry Tarkanian at Fresno State thought he was a bad kid), but he can get his own shot any time, and, at this position, that's all that matters.

Starting Small Forward: No. 23. He will post up more, and play some point forward at times, but if you have Hamilton and Alexander as starters, he won't have to score as much. In fact, his biggest impact may be defensively, plus all the intangibles. He'll still get the calls from the refs. He'll still draw double teams. He'll still be like Mike.

Starting Power Forward: Christian Laettner (with an asterisk): He will begin the season as the starter, but maybe not finish as one. Rookie Kwame Brown was promising in summer league and may eventually step in for him, and there's also the remote possibility of signing Anthony Mason. But Laettner can still hit the open jump shot, and will cheat and grab your jersey to attain better position under the boards. And he won't act up with Jordan around. They know each other from the Dream Team days.

Starting Center: Jahidi White. He can't guard Shaq and he can't stay out of foul trouble very often, but, as rotund as he is, he's a surprising shot blocker and leaper. He's no worse than Bill Wennington or Luc Longley or any of those other stiffs that Jordan won titles with.

Sixth Man: Brown. The rookie will be the team's most athletic player, other than Jordan.

Backup Point Guards: Chris Whitney will be a zone buster, and potential starter over Hamilton at the point. Tyronn Lue is an unknown. He was somewhat of a deterrent to Allen Iverson in the NBA Finals last year, but the Lakers didn't flinch when he threatened to leave. So the jury's out.

Backup Shooting Guard: You know Jordan was going to keep a Carolina guy around. Hubert Davis can still fill it up.

Backup Forwards: Popeye Jones will be an important rebounder, because Michael knows you need the ball to score. Etan Thomas, a lottery pick by Dallas a year ago, is a wild card, because he has an NBA body with skills. Tyrone Nesby can't shoot a lick, but he can finish, and Loy Vaught can still bury the open 15-footer.

Backup Center: This is scary, considering starter White is foul- and injury-prone. But all there is behind him is rookie Brendan Haywood. He will block shots, without a problem, but he often plays soft, too. Michael will have the green light from Dean to get all over his case.

Coach: Doug Collins knows what he's doing. He knew how to disguise a zone when it was illegal, and now he'll be able to play one for real. We won't be outcoached, for the first time in a while.

Front Office: He's in the front court.

If you're not ecstatic about the team we just named, think about it: How much talent did Jordan have around him in Chicago? During his first three titles, he had a young Scottie Pippen and a young Horace Grant and role players. Of course, Michael was young then, too. And during his last three titles, he had Pippen and Dennis Rodman and Toni Kukoc, plus, again, role players. We're not going to win any titles this year, but we're not gonna lose 50 either. Hallelujah!

We haven't been this excited since Hamilton represented us in the All-Star game last year (okay, it was in the 2-Ball competition, but at least we were there).

So I know I speak for all five of us real Wizards fans when I say to everyone else, welcome aboard. Oh, and our team colors are blue, black and bronze.

Tom Friend is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at tom.friend@espnmag.com.