All six of us real Bullets fans are very confused. We get Michael Jordan, our first stroke of luck in 20-some years, and now we’re going to trade him?

@#%*$#!!!!!

In other words, no friggin’ way.

I recently read on ESPN.com that trading Mike is the right thing to do, that the team would get back some sort of prospects and/or draft picks that will serve us in the long run. Well, guess what? We’re already in the long run, and we’ve been in the long run since the days of Larry Wright, and all six of us Bullets fans would like to try THE SHORT RUN for a minute.

What irks us even more are those drooling GMs out there, figuring they can trick Wes Unseld into just about anything (which they probably can). Executives from Toronto and Orlando have openly talked about MJ going on the open market, and the reason they say he’s tradeable is because he earns the minimum and can fit under any salary cap.

Well, thanks for telling Wes about the loophole that’ll screw us! Wes traded away Chris Webber and Rasheed Wallace for used-up short guys, but we've got Mike now, he's ours, and we're not letting him out the door. In fact, us Bullets fans have just read the first media-contrived trade rumor -- San Antonio’s Tony Parker for MJ -- which is enough to make us keel over. Parker’s had a nice couple of months, and now he’s Jason Kidd? Stop it.

The truth is, Michael’s helping us over the long and short run by staying exactly where he is. We don’t want to hear how his presence is retarding Courtney Alexander’s growth or how he’s nit-picking Kwame Brown to death. In two months, he has taught them more about winning than they knew their whole lives. He’s taught them about not moping when your shot is off. About actually playing defense when your shot is off (see that, Courtney?). About hitting the boards and boxing out when your shot is off (see that, Kwame?).

We’ve also heard people say he’s retarding the growth of Richard Hamilton, but that’s an absolute crock. Richard Hamilton is averaging the most important 18 points of his life right now. Had 30 on Tuesday night in Memphis. He is getting to be a consistent threat every night, and at least he’s trying on defense, and he’s smart enough to realize Michael is dragging the team out of its culture of losing.

At Dallas, for instance, when the fellas blew a 21-point lead to the Mavericks, Hamilton remembered exactly what MJ did.

"He said, 'We're going to win this game and whoever doesn't want to be out there can sub themselves out,' " Hamilton recalls Jordan saying during a fourth-quarter stop in the action. "He let guys know that this is our time to win. That's what MJ does. He's so smart. He knows how to find the open man and get rebounds."

And we’re going to trade that? We’re going to trade MJ after he willed us to the victory in Big D? We’re going to trade him now that we’ve won three straight and five of six on the road? We’re going to trade him now that the Atlantic Divison power is actually New Jersey?

We’re not promising we can make the playoffs, but have you seen Brendan Haywood lately? Teams aren’t waltzing in for layups anymore because of the 7-footer, and, on offense, Haywood has shown incredibly efficient hands, Chris Webber hands. Had 17 points, 15 boards and four blocks in Memphis. Of course, all of those drooling GMs are coming after Haywood now, figuring they can dupe Wes into trading him (which they probably can). Alas, the Washington Post just reported that the Bullets consider Haywood an "untouchable." We’re hoping that’s a sign that Wes isn’t actually in charge, and we’ll leave it at that.

Still, all this pyschoanalzying of the team is bugging us. We’ve just read that Michael supposedly still likes Alexander better than Hamilton, and that Hamilton could still be trade bait. Well, that’s insane. Anyone who’s watched Hamilton thrive knows he’s superior to Alexander. Hamilton moves non-stop without the ball the way his coach Doug Collins used to move, whereas Alexander doesn’t come off screens well, holds the ball too long every time he catches it, and was just put on the injured list with some phantom injury. Plus, Hamilton won big games for his UConn team in college. Obviously, if Hamilton could bring you a guy like Shawn Marion -- who, mind you, Wes passed on in the 1999 draft -- we’d do a trade, but the other team will have to give up an athletic future superstar to get us to part with Rip.

The other enigma everyone’s talking about is Brown, and we think you all need to leave him alone. He’s 19, for godsakes. The rumors are that he’s not the hard worker the team thought he was, and that he’s playing soft, but let me take you back to Tracy McGrady’s rookie year, right of high school.

His coach at the time, Darrell Walker (in our front office now), thought the kid didn’t care. Thought the kid wasn’t even trying. Thought the kid jogged too much up the floor. Thought the kid could turn out to be a bust.

The kid just had 47 the other night.

The point is, Brown just needs to keep observing Haywood, and keep figuring this four-games-a-week thing out. Just a few games ago, he went for 10 points and 12 boards, and he’s got a nice touch. You can play him at the 3, even. We’ve heard this godforsaken rumor about Brown being shipped to Chicago for Tyson Chandler, and that is absolutely asinine. Chandler is softer than Brown, can’t shoot as well as Brown, isn’t as strong as Brown, and is further away than Brown.

In other words: no, Wes, no. If you’re in charge, don’t do it. And if you’re not in charge, don’t do it, either.

Don’t trade Michael, don’t trade Rip, don’t trade Kwame, don’t pick up a phone, don’t casually speak to Orlando’s John Gabriel, don’t scout Tony Parker. Instead, watch a few more Bullets games, and you’ll know exactly what we’re talking about.

Love,
All six of us

Tom Friend is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at tom.friend@espnmag.com.